Earlier this week, I resigned from the Bush Cabinet.
Admittedly, mine was a secret cabinet position – so secret that even the President himself didn't know I was there. Sure, he occasionally found the beer cans and pizza boxes I left around, but advisors told me they actually made him fond and nostalgic. So everyday when I arrived, I showed them my Blockbuster card and Homeland Security let me in.
We all do our part.
It can now be told that I served for four years as Secretary of Football Predictions. I was totally loyal because I believed in the cause, but now I've quit and decided to write a book and stab everyone in the back because I completely believe in the other cause.
Yes, I am exactly like the NFL and the Fox Network. The NFL is capable of both promoting and condemning porn in much the same way that the talking heads at Fox News condemn the kind of stuff showing on Fox Entertainment. In that way, I completely believe in everyone that I totally trash. It is the American way.
A cynic might say that the Browns' problem is an inept coaching staff but skeptic would point out that the team also doesn't have very much talent.
Those known to see the glass as half-empty could just say this is an underachieving team, while a depressed person might point out that the team has no discipline. A doubter would be convinced the team has no plan while pessimists just worry that the Browns are going to wear orange jerseys this weekend.
JETS AT BROWNS – Jeff Garcia is sacked on every single offensive play of the first half. From his hospital bed, Garcia calls out his guards for their poor play and then, in a full body cast, he returns in the second half to take more punishment. It turns out that the Browns offensive strategy is the Rope-A-Dope – the other team is supposed to get tired from hitting so hard. By the end, Lee Suggs gains a ton of yards because my job is to predict a win. Browns 24, Jets 16.
COWBOYS AT RAVENS – At halftime, Bill Parcells is so angry that he cuts a linebacker and puts himself on the roster. Ray Lewis, who is continually run over by Vinny Testaverde and every other Cowboy that shouldn't be in the NFL, says, "Waaah!" After the game, Parcells cuts himself from the team, and then he punches himself for doing so. Ravens 18, Cowboys 15.
CARDINALS AT PANTHERS – Philosophers in Belgium are holding a major conference this week on whether this game has meaning. Cardinals 20, Panthers 10.
COLTS AT BEARS – Peyton Manning throws touchdown passes. Colts 39, Bears 19.
STEELERS AT BENGALS – Chad Johnson wants Bengals' fans to donate a dollar each to help pay his fine for when he celebrates after scoring a touchdown. But why would he be fined for an imaginary act? Bengals 27, Steelers 21.
LIONS AT VIKINGS – If an injured and gutsy Randy Moss limps on the field a-la Kirk Gibson and saves the day for the Vikings, look in the sky for flying elephants. Lions 20, Vikings 18.
BRONCOS AT SAINTS – Sometimes in the NFL as in life, things happen for no logical reason. Saints 32, Broncos 10.
49ERS AT BUCCANEERS – This game has such little meaning that lineman for both teams play a hand of poker before each snap. Thus, a lot of illegal motion penalties. Buccaneers 27, 49ers 20.
CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – Screeech! Oh my gosh, the bandwagon crashed. Raiders 23, Chargers 16.
DOLPHINS AT SEAHAWKS – The Dolphins don't even bother to show up. They stay in Miami. Seahawks 40, Dolphins 5.
FALCONS AT GIANTS – The first start of Eli Manning's career will be fondly remembered by players on the Falcons defense. Falcons 28, Giants 3.
REDSKINS AT EAGLES – Terrell Owens is conspicuously missing from the game. Eagles 26, Redskins 10.
PACKERS AT TEXANS – You don't want to play the Packers right now. You do want to play the Texans right now. Packers 32, Texans 17.
PATRIOTS AT CHIEFS – The Patriots are capable of winning every kind of fight – a shootout like this game or a grind-it-out punching match. And Adam Vinateiri is football's version of Mariano Rivera. Patriots 39, Chiefs 36.
I have great news.
I heard that the NFL is planning to put a professional football franchise in Cleveland.
Ever since that dark day when Art Modell sold his soul and moved the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore, there have been rumors that the league is going to put a team back in Cleveland. In fact, someone told me that the league even put a pretend team in Cleveland the past few years just to see if the city would support a bunch of guys wearing orange helmets.
If you keep cheering, my source tells me, one day a real team will show up.
This column is sponsored by the Dennis Kucinich Presidential Library & Shed.