What's Gonna Happen: Week 13

<B>(Home of the Ugly Hat)</B><BR><BR>Indefatigable and polysyllabic, perspicacious prognosticator Brian Tarcy pontificates...<BR><BR>Thesaurus.com rocks.<BR><BR>

I think the conversation went something like this:

Butch: You're fired.

Randy: You can't fire me! You quit.

Butch: I quit?

And so Cleveland's latest imported power player saw his ego incinerated in the textbook fashion of someone rising to the level of incompetence – like the time I tried to walk and chew gum. I still have a scar.

And let's face it, the blur of dozens of Cincinnati Bengals running into the end zone didn't help Butch's cause when those two talked.

Still, I think Randy Lerner had the right idea. I believe Butch Davis can be a good NFL coach. I don't care what the whiny, losing players say. The players are the problem.

Butch Davis, unfortunately, was the worst General Manager in the NFL. When Gerard Warren is the gemstone in your Salary Cap, it can be said that you have an ugly hat.

Meanwhile, a reminder that Browns' fans can sometimes be, well, glaringly wrong comes in wearing two shiny new rings. Bill Belichick, the man who invented the words "bling-bling" is running something akin to a football machine while our sorry lab experiment continues.

And now, another good coach got some great NFL training in Cleveland. Butch Davis will sit back, reflect, and probably change some things. Maybe he'll understand his limitations, or more likely, he'll be forced to accept them next time. And though he'll never measure up to what Bill Belichick is doing in New England, he'll be successful. He could sit a few years and he may find success before the Browns do.

The only thing left to say is:


PATRIOTS AT BROWNS – Browns players are totally stoked when they hear the new coach's one-sentence inspirational speech – "My name is not Butch Davis." He gets a standing ovation. Then Luke McCown says, "I've never been sacked," and his flattered offensive lineman give him donuts. The Patriots have never seen a team so inspired by blind trust. "When they pulled out the donuts, we got confused," admitted Coach Belichick. Browns 26, Patriots 20.

BENGALS AT RAVENS – Bengals players are surprised to learn that the guys in different uniforms are allowed to tackle them. Even though Rudi Johnson runs over Ray Lewis like a ragdoll, the rest of the Ravens defense shocks because it tries. Ravens 23, Bengals 7.

VIKINGS AT BEARS – Trailing by 28 at halftime, the Bears bring in Jeff George to start the second half. He throws five perfect bombs in a row and then he throws five interceptions. Vikings 52, Bears 20.

CARDINALS AT LIONS – Archeologists in Egypt just unearthed an ancient NFL bylaw stating these two teams must always stink. Lions 29, Cardinals 14.

TITANS AT COLTS – In a normal year, this is the kind of game the Titans should win because it's a logical upset. But Peyton Manning is not having a normal year, and his last four weeks (19 TD passes) are almost mythical. Make it five weeks. Colts 32, Titans 12.

BILLS AT DOLPHINS – Woody Allen said that eighty percent of success is just showing up. The Dolphins don't show up. Bills 30, Dolphins 7.

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – What does a coach say when he thinks he is going to be fired? Jim Haslett said: "All I can promise is this: I will do everything in my power to do the best possible job to get our football team to win the next five games." That's all he can promise? Panthers 28, Saints 21.

TEXANS AT JETS – While a rusty Chad Pennington returns, David Carr for some reason decides to have the best game of his career. Texans 31, Jets 21.

49ERS AT RAMS – Can a scoreboard hold a big number on one side and a zero on the other? Philosophers ponder. Rams 42, 49ers 0.

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – The bad Michael Vick shows up this week. Buccaneers 28, Falcons 13.

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders have stumbled upon a new strategy – the blocked kick. Raiders 31, Chiefs 28.

BRONCOS AT CHARGERSDrew Brees begins to believe his press clippings and that would be a huge mistake if Champ Bailey, AKA "Toast", wasn't playing in the Broncos secondary. Chargers 20, Broncos 13.

PACKERS AT EAGLES – At the end of the game, the Eagles face fourth down and 26 yards to go, just like last year in the playoffs. The only difference is, in this game they'll be losing by 10 and the play will be irrelevant. The key play: a celebration penalty on Terrell Owens. Packers 26, Eagles 16.

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Before the game, old Joe Gibbs is found wandering aimlessly in a forest talking to himself about transmission fluid.  Giants 20, Redskins 10.

STEELERS AT JAGUARS – Hey, I can be just as stubborn as the Steelers. They refuse to lose. I refuse to pick em. Jaguars 23, Steelers 20.

COWBOYS AT SEAHAWKS – Ownership of both teams decide fans would be more interested in a Sumo wrestling match between the two fat coaches. Seahawks 29, Cowboys 13.


Paul Brown was from Ohio.

This job search should be about geography, identity.

Randy Lerner should stay out of the South and the West.

No more bringing in coaches who are not of the Cleveland mode. This must be a blood and guts, brown and orange search – the Cuyahoga River, the Terminal Tower – it's about Cleveland. It's time to reconnect with the fans. It's been a long time.

It's time for the Browns to get back to appreciating and living up to the intelligent and passionate northern culture.

Look Northeast to Midwest. Bring in a coach who is of the land. And get Bernie Kosar involved.

This column is sponsored by Terry Robiskie's house.

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