I used steroids before I correctly predicted the Buccaneers would beat the Falcons last week and by now, everyone has read what I said to the grand jury.
I thought it was candy. I didn't know the package that my trainer gave me contained steroids. Yes, I saw the large box letters that spelled out, "STEROIDS."
Still, you can't judge a book by its cover – not that I would actually read a book, but - that's what my trainer told me to say. How was I to know? Besides, that stuff shriveled my, um, brains – where I produce my best thoughts.
And as for the results, the steroids had nothing to do with my superhuman insight. I've just become a really good predictor. I've shown the power to go deep with an off-the-wall prediction come true. I am gifted. My powers do not come from a bottle. Cheers!
Lastly, some have commented on the dramatic improvement in my physical appearance. Again, I can explain. See, I finally found my lost bar of soap.
BROWNS AT BILLS – The Browns' strategy this week involves a boiling cauldron, the eye of newt, and an ancient chant performed at 1 p.m. by Gregorian monks. In my Zoloft universe, it works. Browns 24, Bills 13.
RAIDERS AT FALCONS – Kerry Collins is starting to play with some consistency, a word used as often as "boring" to describe Michael Vick. This week, Vick remembers to eat his spinach. Falcons 36, Raiders 24.
GIANTS AT RAVENS – Eli Manning discovers he was adopted. His biological name is Eli Leaf. Ravens 30, Giants 9.
COLTS AT TEXANS – Yawn. Peyton Manning does more astonishing stuff. Blah, blah, blah. No one in the history of the NFL …yadda, yadda. Colts 32, Texans 13.
BEARS AT JAGUARS – Chad Hutchinson is the savior in Chicago. You ask for humor, I give you a joke. Jaguars 23, Bears 15.
SEAHAWKS AT VIKINGS – The Seahawks tradition of opening a bottle of champagne with three minutes to go in the fourth quarter might have to stop. Vikings 35, Seahawks 20.
BENGALS AT PATRIOTS – When he is finished singing the National Anthem, Troy Brown sells a hot dog to everyone in the stands before starring on offense, defense, special teams as well as the after-game tailgate party. Troy Brown, you ask. Hall of Fame, I answer. Patriots 32, Bengals 14.
DOLPHINS AT BRONCOS – A.J. Feeley threw three touchdowns in the first quarter and five interceptions after that. This week, he is benched after the first quarter. It doesn't help. Broncos 41, Dolphins 21.
JETS AT STEELERS – I am now starting to throw a temper tantrum. I am on the floor, pounding my hands and feet and screaming. I don't care how many times the Steelers win. I refuse to believe it. Jets 27, Steelers 21.
LIONS AT PACKERS – It's a new holiday in the Midwest – Mediocre Day! Packers 23, Lions 20.
49ERS AT CARDINALS – The 49ers have changed their name to the 1929ers. Cardinals 28, 49ers 12.
RAMS AT PANTHERS – At 5-7, the Panthers look right now like the second best team in the NFC. That's what a four-game winning streak in the NFC does. Panthers 24, Rams 21.
BUCCANEERS AT CHARGERS – Now that the Chargers look like legitimate Super Bowl contenders, it's time to see if Philip Rivers can play because my team needs a quarterback next year. Chargers 25, Buccaneers 19
EAGLES AT REDSKINS – If Terrell Owens scores one more touchdown this season, the rotund Andy Reid has promised to wear tights, proving the NFL now covets the demographic of people who yearn to see fat men in tights. Eagles 31, Redskins 17.
CHIEFS AT TITANS – Before the season began, this looked like a great game on paper. Therefore, the NFL has ruled the game must actually be played on paper. Chiefs 34, Titans 16.
This column is sponsored by the jingles of recalled dangerous pharmaceuticals.