A 3-10 football team (AKA – "it") requires that one do Jedi mind tricks to get through the morning sports pages. Imagine trying to talk to Santa Claus.
But I talk to Santa every week because he is on my bowling team.
Every Thursday at the local lanes, Santa puts on a Towne Tavern bowling shirt and rolls his average 170. I digress because I don't want to think about, you know, it.
Santa, who drinks a six-pack of milk (and shares some great Mrs. Claus cookies!) while he bowls, told me that he doesn't like to hear about it from angry fans. When Santa has had a lot of milk, he gets talkative.
"Do you know what Browns fans always ask for?" Santa Claus asked me yesterday.
Let me guess – two guards and a left tackle?
"How did you know?" asked Santa Claus.
I don't want to talk about it.
REDSKINS AT 49ERS – Dennis Erickson is about to be fired as coach of the 1929ers and so he almost applied for a job to coach Mississippi. Successfully living in both San Francisco and Mississippi, scholars say, qualifies you for the Nobel Peace Prize. Redskins 26, 49ers 20.
PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Michael Vick is in "highlight film" mode. Falcons 32, Panthers 13.
CHARGERS AT BROWNS - In my fallout shelter, Tim Couch, 17 yards, 58 points, 295 yards, 500 injuries, and orange jerseys are a myth. I see no evil, hear no evil. I do not know of this "football" that you speak of. I am sorry, I am not from your country. Browns 100, Chargers 0.
TEXANS AT BEARS – Sleep doctors have recommended that their patients watch this game. Texans "um", Bears, "uh".
BILLS AT BENGALS – Each team's slogan is, "We beat up the Browns." Bills 35, Bengals 24.
VIKINGS AT LIONS – One of these weeks the Vikings are going to explode. I checked – this is one of these weeks. Vikings 37, Lions 7.
COWBOYS AT EAGLES – It's cool to pick the Cowboys in this game but I'd rather be right than cool. And yet, really, I want to be cool way more than I want to be right. This is America – cool is right. Still… Eagles 38, Cowboys 10.
BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer made obscene gestures at fans, and yet fans in each pass through the turnstile make monetary gestures toward Jake - the, er, snake. – Chiefs 31, Broncos 21.
RAMS AT CARDINALS – If you need a win and you can't find the Browns on your schedule, the Cardinals are Plan B. Rams 21, Cardinals 20.
SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Theologians, philosopher and football fans ask, why – why are the Saints at the Buccaneers? What purpose does it serve? Saints 10, Buccaneers 7.
JAGUARS AT PACKERS – This is an incredibly important game in the race for the final spots in the NFC playoffs, which means it is not important at all. Packers 23, Jaguars 16.
RAVENS AT COLTS – When Ray Lewis shouts, "You can't score on us," Peyton Manning throws a touchdown. When Rays yells, "You'll never do it again," Manning does it again. When Lewis yells, "You won't break the record against us," Manning breaks the record against them. Then when Ray cries, Manning laughs. Colts 32, Ravens 14.
PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – At halftime, the United Nations intervenes. Patriots 1,000, Dolphins 7.
Remember all that hate?
Art Modell this, and Art Modell that? Remember?
Oh yeah, no matter the crime, it seems, you've got to be able to forgive.
Otherwise, as we are witnessing, instant karma's gonna get you. It gets you
This column is sponsored by the Ukraine Poison Prevention Center.