My name is Scrooge and I'll be your waiter. Sorry but we only offer one thing to drink, and our menu is limited.
Happy Holidays, you got an ID? I don't care how old you are. Are you a Browns' fan? Prove it. Bark like a dog.
Browns fans again, huh? You people have been here so much that you could own this place. Ha! I don't mean to be crass it's just that, well, I know this kid, Tiny Tim and, ah, who cares about him?
So every year, they tell us we'll be serving dinner to a different group and yet every year I see you folks. Anyway, take a seat over there between the Democrats and those five people who root for the Montreal Expos - yes, they all speak French. You know each other, right?
So now we're all going to hold hands, stare at our Browns' posters, and sing the traditional holiday tune, "Desolation Row," by Bob Dylan. It starts, "They're selling postcards of the hanging."
You've probably memorized the menu by now. There's not a lot on it. You can't always get what you want. Unless you want coal. Ha! But hey, I know you - you love the stuff.
So, I'll see you nice folks again next year, right?
Hey, you have yourself a swell holiday! Want some Kool-Aid?
PACKERS AT VIKINGS – I'd love to watch this game but I always start my Christmas shopping at 3 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Each of these teams should be finished shopping, seeing as they've taken a number of Sundays off. Vikings 24, Packers 22.
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Did you know that some people – I'm not saying who – think that a Jaguar under a pine is better than an oak under a Yugo? I thought I was pretty original – and romantic! Plus I drove off the road during the last Browns game. Chiefs 22, Raiders 17.
BRONCOS AT TITANS – I loved the Billy Volek story when it was called the Scott Mitchell story. Titans 25, Broncos 21.
BEARS AT LIONS – These 5-9 teams are alive for the playoffs, which is why three out of four dentists in Chicago and Detroit believe in Santa Claus. Lions 30, Bears 10.
CHARGERS AT COLTS – In the playoffs, the Chargers will win. But this game is fixed by a bookie, who turns out to be a 14 year-old kid in New Jersey named Howie. You laugh, but Howie owns a Ferrari. Colts 34, Chargers 21.
TEXANS AT JAGUARS – "I've said all year that we're better than what our record shows," said David Carr. That's the punch line. Jaguars 25, Texans 16.
FALCONS AT SAINTS – Michael Vick just received $130 million for Christmas. And how about you – do you like your Falcons' tie? Saints 23, Falcons 20.
RAVENS AT STEELERS – This is it – all I have left to do is to root against the Steelers. If it takes rooting for the Ravens to make my dreams come true, well then I will hold my nose. I will be especially happy when Jerome Bettis fumbles while he is running over Ray Lewis like a rag doll. Ravens 22, Steelers 21.
PATRIOTS AT JETS – After the Patriots lost to the Dolphins a guy called a Boston sports talk show, and the next thing you know Charlie Weiss resigned the Notre Dame job. Boston is a media town. Patriots 31, Jets 21.
BILLS AT 49ERS – Can you hear it – the sound of air going out of the Bills balloon? I have good hearing. I hear voices. 49ers 21, Bills 16.
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – The Panthers played in the Super Bowl last year. I can't believe it either. Buccaneers 21, Panthers 20.
REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – This is an epic rivalry – with all the energy Ali-Frazier would have if they fought today. That's what America needs – a golden age rematch. Cowboys 24, Redskins 21.
CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Both teams are such a disappointment that Christmas is cancelled. Cardinals 21, Seahawks 20.
BROWNS AT DOLPHINS – This just in – Jim Brown, Gene Hickerson, Paul Warfield and Brian Sipe have been added to the Browns roster, and the game is being refereed by Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Browns 31, Dolphins 14.
EAGLES AT RAMS – Terrell Owens limps on the field just like Kirk Gibson and…oh sorry, I knew I lost that script that Disney rejected somewhere. Rams 24, Eagles 21.
The entire staff of this column (we're hiring, apply now!) would like to wish you and your family a Happy Festivus as well as a New Year full of amnesia.
Pray for peace.
This column is sponsored by the Land of Misfit Toys.