I don't know what you did to get thrown in here but if the punishment is supposed to fit the crime, it must have been pretty bad. You look like you've been through hell.
Anyway, I have good news. In this prison, I am the warden's lackey and the warden mentioned while I was busy lacking that your long sentence is almost over.
It's true. If you can ignore the odor of decay and pestilence of this place, you should be able to smell freedom. In two days, the people in orange helmets who kept you chained to your couch will disappear like the cast of a bad horror movie into a worse TV sitcom.
And then, finally, you can put away your harmonica and quit banging your tin cup across the bars. You are about to be set free. Just be sure to check with your probation officer next September. This form says they expect you back here.
BROWNS AT TEXANS – There are a couple of plausible scenarios for the Browns to win this week: 1) the Tsunami washes a magic lamp onto the shores of Lake Erie and Terry Robiskie finds it. 2) The plan to run on every single down not only lands Terry Robiskie a job coaching high school football, but it inexplicably works for one week in the NFL. Browns 23, Texans 12.
DOLPHINS AT RAVENS – There sure was a lot of hype about Nick Saban. He agreed to coach the Dolphins next year and he also agreed to organize world peace. Something's gonna give. Ravens 22, Dolphins 20.
STEELERS AT BILLS – The Steelers plan to rest all their important players so it's going to be interesting to see Bill Cowher without a chin. Bills 36, Steelers 21.
SAINTS AT PANTHERS – These two less-than-average teams fight for a playoff spot. This proves the NHL is still in business. Saints 23, Panthers 20.
PACKERS AT BEARS – I was right when I knew that I was wrong all along because the Packers are a fraud, proving that I am not. See, I used to believe in the Packers but I wasn't sure it was the right decision and… well… Bears 21, Packers 20.
49ERS AT PATRIOTS – The 49ers are going to win because…oh that's right. January 1 is New Year's Day, not April Fools. Patriots 38, 49ers 14.
BENGALS AT EAGLES – If you plan to win the Super Bowl, you don't lose to the Bengals in the final week of the season. At least the Eagles have plans. Eagles 30, Bengals 13.
JETS AT RAMS – The Chad Pennington lecture series on PBS continues. Rams 31, Jets 12.
LIONS AT TITANS – Billy Volek wonders where his 15 minutes have gone. Lions 27, Titans 13.
VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – The Vikings problem is that their high-powered offense is under pressure to score every time to keep up with their defense, which apparently doesn't try. The Redskins' problem is that they usually don't win. Vikings 35, Redskins 28.
BUCCANEERS AT CARDINALS – I have been anticipating this game since never. Cardinals 22, Buccaneers 15.
FALCONS AT SEAHAWKS – At halftime, Mike Holmgren gives birth to a pie. Seahawks 24, Falcons 13.
COLTS AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning is intercepted three times by the guy that works in the deli. Broncos 31, Colts 10.
JAGUARS AT RAIDERS – "You can't ask for much more than we gave out there," said Raiders running back Amos Zereoue after last week's loss. Well, you could ask the team to win. Jaguars 31, Raiders 21.
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Philip Rivers debuts as a potential Browns' quarterback. Chargers 25, Chiefs 23.
COWBOYS AT GIANTS – The NFL stages a Bill Parcells wardrobe malfunction to distract attention from this pathetic game. The surprising part is when Parcells agrees to let Justin Timberlake pull at his Cowboys logo. Cowboys 23, Giants 7.
If you are rooting for the Browns to lose so they get a higher draft pick, what makes you think the Browns know what to do with a high draft pick?
So anyway, the Browns, Raiders, Cowboys, Dolphins, and 49ers are among the teams that draft high this year. It is funny how the world turns.
Finally, this is a secular column that believes deeply in the separation of church and football. That said, the staff of this column mourns the loss of Reggie White. But, sorry, we're not joining the he-was-a-great-man choir.
Reggie White was a great football player who did a lot of good things as a man. But he was, by his own words, a person who did not recognize individuals. He instead saw groups of people with traits. He did not see humans. He saw stereotypes. As Reggie White might have said, dead people are especially good at getting compliments. Rest in peace, Reggie. We hope you end up with people exactly like you.
This column is sponsored by Happy New Beer.