I think you know why we've called you in here.
As you know, the past year was a trying time for all of us here at Cleveland Browns Incorporated. Frankly, we've been a bit skittish since 1999 and someone, finally, has to take the blame.
We picked you.
There was a vote around the corporate offices and we can't get rid of all the fans. But we can do without you.
We still all talk about how you forgot to wear your lucky socks on draft day, 1999. Donovan McNabb was sitting there for the taking, but you and your regular socks led us to pick Tim Couch. You have been like that ever since, ignoring superstitions, acting on the wrong ones. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, it turns out wrong for us. It really is all your fault.
So if you could just clean off your office, er, your couch, and leave the remote control behind, we can move on. Yes, the rumors are true. You're being replaced by someone from Baltimore.
Quiet! I know you tried your best, but the record speaks for itself.
And now that you have seen the executioner's face, it's time for some joy.
RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Shaun Alexander has been complaining about being stabbed in the back by his team because he didn't get to run one more time to win the rushing title. William Green had a similar complaint last year. What's with these running backs always complaining about knives in the back? Meanwhile, these two teams that have no right to be in the playoffs play a playoff game because companies need to sell beer and erectile dysfunction drugs. Smart fans will take either, or both, to avoid having to watch this meaningless game. Okay, I lie. It will be entertaining and the Rams will win because every time he carries the ball, Alexander will be reaching behind to try to pull out the imaginary knife. Rams 35, Seahawks 21.
JETS AT CHARGERS – Herman Edwards has been flashing around his letter from Commissioner Tagliabue inviting the Jets to participate in the playoffs. It turns out to be a forgery. The Jets really are not invited, as they find out by the rude welcome they get to San Diego. When Edwards read the letter to say "playoffs," his team heard the letter to say "day off." And while Edwards is the most entertaining coach in the league this side of Bill Parcells, his team doesn't seem to be on the same page or even in the same book as their coach. He's reading "The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People," but something is lost in the translation and the team is hearing "For Whom The Bell Tolls." Ah yes, it tolls for thee. On the other hand, Marty Schottenheimer's crew, with a gleam, proves that winning is even more entertaining than funny press conferences. Chargers 31, Jets 13.
BRONCOS AT COLTS – Jake Plummer flipped the bird at Denver fans, so I think he just might be the right quarterback for the Browns next year. I mean, haven't you always wanted to do that? If you are offended, don't take me seriously. I really don't think Jake Plummer would be a good quarterback for the Browns next season. This game will prove why, although by the second quarter Plummer should be rendered meaningless as Peyton Manning puts on a historic playoff performance, throwing for six touchdowns. Colts 42, Broncos 10.
VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Back when the Packers had a defense, a playoff game in Lambeau Field was a no-brainer prediction. And while I still have no brain, the
Packers have no defense making this a particularly difficult prediction. It is
still in Lambeau Field after all. And the legend, Brett Favre, throws touchdowns
at will against the Vikings this year. Nevertheless, I think Stephen Hawking
could get open against the Packers secondary so I don't imagine it will be too
difficult for Randy Moss, if he decides to stay on the field. Yes, every once in
a while Randy Moss has one of those games. This is one. Be ready to be awed.
Vikings 41, Packers 31.
I have predicted the Cleveland Browns to win every single game since they reentered the league in 1999. That's why I am offering my wise advice to Phil Savage, who hopefully gets all his ideas from the Internet.
Here's what I see. Drew Brees just won comeback player of the year and the Chargers have big dreams right now. The Browns, with the third pick in the draft, could pick a quarterback or they could trade the pick for Philip Rivers, who people compare to Bernie Kosar.
Trade the pick, bring back Bernie.
And spend every other dollar that you have for offensive linemen.
So Phil, write back.
By the way, I expect you to win every game next year.
This column is sponsored by the Coalition of Humans Opposed to Snowmen.