The rapture arrived in the form of Randy Moss' butt.
Get ready to meet your dead relatives. It's all over but the plagues. Locusts! I see locusts!
Hi there, I'm Joe Buck. You can tell I am Joe Buck because I'm wearing a halo. I bought my halo with money I earned selling beer. Actually, I have monthly payments so I work a lot of jobs plus I've sold my soul, so that helps. Especially when I'm being righteous.
Now it's the World Series and I'm talking to the world famous Leon – a cartoon-like character who appeals to children – about how cool beer is. Never mind that there's a WORLD SERIES GAME BEING PLAYED on the field. Let's talk to Leon. I have a halo payment due in a week.
Now somebody decided to put a football game in front of me. Football? My, such jocularity! Gosh golly gee willikers! Oh my goodness gracious! Why I never! I'm so sorry for you having to see that on Fox. That is so disgusting.
Can Leon get your children a beer?
Oh, and be sure to check out the great new Fox TV lineup – especially My Big Fat Obnoxious Play By Play Man. On it, I wear only thong underwear while I eat bugs out of the buttocks of a famous football player. It should be disgusting - make sure to watch with your whole family!
JETS AT STEELERS – Wanting the Steelers to win in the hope of future pain for their fans (a more devastating later loss) is wrong on too many levels to contemplate – worst of all, what if it doesn't work out and they keep winning? So that's why I'm with crazy Herman Edwards and whiny Chad Pennington and a surprisingly tough Jets defense. Okay, I'm really picking against a rookie quarterback (who, psst, has played a whole bunch of games already and really isn't a typical rookie) because, well, if I wasn't completely biased the Steelers should have this game won by halftime. Jets 31, Steelers 26.
RAMS AT FALCONS – When you have a one-man team (and the Falcons sort of do) you better hope your guy shows up. However, I don't' think Michael Vick is ready to show up for the big game. And while it might be okay with most people if Mike Martz were to by chance fall into a vat of boiling French Fry oil, I think he will climb out in time to offer me ketchup and Marc Bulger a good game plan. And I don't believe Michael Vick is ready yet to step up and dominate like he could – and he could, right now he could. He won't. Rams 34, Falcons 14.
VIKINGS AT EAGLES – Before the season started, I picked the Browns to play the Vikings in the Super Bowl so for that reason alone I can't imagine the Eagles winning. Most people will think I am crazy to pick three upsets in the playoffs. I may drool constantly and, yes, I dress like Doctor Spock for all formal events but that doesn't mean picking the Vikings is crazy. Actually, the Vikings will win because Randy Moss is a better football player than Joe Buck is an announcer. When the game is over, I hope Randy Moss moons the broadcast booth. Vikings 31, Eagles 26.
COLTS AT PATRIOTS – It doesn't matter what the liquored-up kicker said. This is a show-me game. Peyton Manning has had the greatest season of any quarterback in NFL history but he's never been able to beat the Patriots and well – show me. Sure, Peyton can put up numbers like Einstein but I won't care a bit until he beats this specific team because I believe Tom Brady is a better quarterback and I think he will prove it again on Sunday. If it's close at the end, there is no way to bet against Brady and Vinateiri. Patriots 24, Colts 21.
This coach search already has me exhausted. Thankfully, Phil Savage is around to help. And though we've looked at a lot of coaches, my recommendation has thus far been ignored. I want Marv Levy to be hired.
Bring in the old guy. He's got more energy than Chris Palmer and a lot more personality than Butch Davis. He's been to four Super Bowls, he knows Lake Erie weather, and let's face it, he'd bring a real sense of urgency to the job.
This column is sponsored by Moons Across America.