What's Gonna Happen

(Home of an Upset Genius)

Think of this as an adventure. And don't believe those lying documentary people. If you bet all your money on my picks last week, I'd like to suggest that living in a cardboard box is not nearly as bad as it's been portrayed.

Look, I'm sorry.

The truth is that last week the dog ate my homework. The dog ate my crystal ball. That darn dog…and so I made my picks by laying out the sports pages on the floor and…

Last week, when I picked three upsets in four games and there were zero upsets, I was upset. But those three losers didn't make me into a loser. Not at all.

You can ask anyone - I've always been a loser. But last week I guess I lost it.

I was under the mistaken impression that the St. Louis Rams had defensive players on their payroll. And I didn't realize that the Jets' kicker, Doug Brien, wouldn't eat his Wheaties that morning, causing one of his two potential game-winning field goals to fall 3/8 of an inch short. As for the Vikings, well, I always fall for the flash and I forgot that for the Eagles to annually lose the NFC championship game, they had to win last week. I plead negligence. Truthfully, I had good notes about those games but then…

Fido, stop!

Oh hell, wanna know what's gonna happen next? It's right here on the floor in front of me. Wow, Fido, that's a pretty big prediction.


FALCONS AT EAGLES – Hello, Philadelphia Suicide Hotline, can I help you? Press 1 for rope, 2 for a gun, 3 for poison, and 4 for a replay of the Eagles game. Is reveling in the agony of others so wrong? Okay, but it's also great sport and this game offers another wonderful opportunity to revel in the agony of Philadelphia fans. Losing would be excruciating to Cheesesteak City, and that's why it's so appealing. That's not wrong, it's American. And thankfully, the Atlanta Falcons and their Wishbone offense should be weird enough to provide the kind of necessary last-second dramatics that have led Philadelphia fans, over the years, to boo even Santa Claus. All those Philadelphia fans who booed when the team picked Donovan McNabb in the 1999 draft instead of choosing Ricky Williams and his pet bong will be running to the mountains of Oregon to meditate with Ricky when the Eagles lose. And although the Falcons are a dome team heading to cold weather Philadelphia, the Falcons are also a running team that could actually flourish in cold weather. Sure, Michael Vick will be slowed by the conditions. So will the Eagles defense. Besides, as Marty Schottenheimer continues to prove, the NFL loves a perennial playoff loser, just like Andy Reid. Falcons 24, Eagles 21.

PATRIOTS AT STEELERS – When Ben Rottenburger throws a touchdown on the opening drive for the Steelers, idiot smiles will glow all across Western Pennsylvania. "If this continues, I'm a going to have to brush my tooth on account of because I'll be smiling so much at you'uns," the insurgents will say. Terrible towels full of snot will spin in the air. Then, when Ben Rottenburger throws another touchdown before halftime, Steelers fans will ask, "Didn't we have toothpaste in the house a couple of years ago? I could have sworn it was down by the paint thinner and now I can't seem to find it. Do you know what it looks like? I need it on account of because I'm a smiling so much at you'uns." So by halftime, as the Steelers have gone to a 17-3 lead on the arm of young Rottenburger, Bill Cowher calls his mentor, Marty Schottenheimer, and asks what he should do. Meanwhile, in the other locker room, Tom Brady and Adam Vinateiri are pulling out their superhero costumes. And well, you can guess the rest as Cowher plays not to lose and Bill Belichick, who knew Cowher's strategy before Cowher did, stacks the line daring Rottenburger, who has already burned his defense twice, to throw. But Cowher sticks to his game plan. And years later, studies of Marty Shottenheimer, Andy Reid and Bill Cowher reveal a genetic deficiency that causes a loss of blood to their brains in crucial moments of playoff games. In fact, the name of the disease will be Schottenheimer, as in, "Bill Cowher was a great coach but he had a bad case of Schottenheimer. It was sad at the end." Patriots 32, Steelers 23.

So during the campaign, George W. Bush visited the Cleveland Browns. But on the first day of his second term, as he put forth his agenda to fix the world, there was not one mention of any plan to fix the Browns.

From now on I'll never trust another politician. Until Thursday I had believed every politician always.

This column is sponsored by People For Immediate Global Warming.

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