What's Gonna Happen: Super Edition

(Home of Hypocrisy On The March)

All the people we used to know They're an illusion to me now
- Bob Dylan

Announcer: Hey, you've just been named MVP of the Super Bowl! What are you going to do now?

Star Player: I've got nothing to do.

This year, nostalgia for flatulent horses and the crotch-biting dog is only natural. And we all wish we could again see the only part of Janet Jackson that any of us really cares about. It made me proud to be American and, let's face it, an infidel.

But what's really missing in this year's Super Bowl will be the MVP saying, "I'm going to Disney World."

In America, tradition is anything that has happened at least once. "I'm going to Disney World" started in 1987 with Phil Simms (Romeo Crennel was there). Such longevity is downright legendary, like the cast of Saved by The Bell. Oh, that Screech.

But I digress because while freedom is on the march in other parts of the world, the Super Bowl reminds us that we won't tolerate another stray nipple between our Levitra commercials.

Super huh? Yeah, super duper – sigh.

What's so super about a game that your team is never in? It's super horrible, that's what.

Just before the team gets good enough to go to such a game, they moved to Baltimore. That's super?

The coach who stunk before the team moved to Baltimore is now being compared to Vince Lombardi. This is super?

It's not so super, not so super at all.

On the other hand, a day that traditionally begins with donuts smothered in gravy really is super. It's a super duper tradition.

Oh, a prediction. Well, that's a tough one. It was an unfortunate case of mistaken identity at the bowling alley. Anyway, after my crystal ball sadly shattered on a 7-10 split, I found a grizzled wizard who sold me a clock with a fast forward button, a pause, and a rewind button.

I had to get some kid to show me how to use it.


COIN TOSS – Patriots coin flip coach, Biff Parsons, has analyzed every coin flip in NFL history and considered weather conditions, time of year, and the decibel level at which the captain makes the call. The Patriots, yelling loudly, call "Heads." It's heads.

FIRST QUARTERTerrell Owens says God cleared him to play even though his doctor didn't but according to Homeless Jim living a refrigerator box, God did not clear Owens to play. He cleared him to pray. And Jim talks to God everyday on his invisible cell phone, so he should know. So when Owens runs out to play, Patriots defensive backs hit him so hard that he starts to pray like this, "Oh my God, my leg!" Homeless Jim is never wrong. Still after the Patriots score an early field goal, Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook drive the Eagles down the field and take a lead.

Eagles 7, Patriots 3.

SECOND QUARTER – Early in the quarter, Andy Reid gives birth to some sort of French pastry. "We've seen this before," says John Madden, who has himself given birth to many a pie. But the Patriots give birth to a game plan that starts to chip away at the Eagles. Corey Dillon, who once said he would quit football to flip burgers, grinds up the Eagles defense. Tom Brady is inefficient and flustered by a relentless rush that disrupts his timing early in the quarter. But he still throws a touchdown and hands to Dillon for another while Donovan McNabb also throws two touchdowns, including one to Terrell Owens who responds with a catch in the corner of the end zone.

Patriots 21, Eagles 17.

HALFTIME – Women who screamed for Paul McCartney in 1964 are now 64. And yes, they still love him.

THIRD QUARTER – The Eagles are not going away. Opening kickoff is brought back to the 50 and the camera shows that Bill Belichick appears worried. Well, he looked that way when he'd just won the Super Bowl but still, he looks worried. And his concern shows merit as the Eagles drive down the field, stop his team, and then drive down the field again. A field goal later and John Madden is starting to talk about the end of a great season for the Patriots.

Eagles 34, Patriots 21.

FOURTH QUARTER – May I see the script please. Oh, that one again. Okay, so in order to get to the script the Patriots need 13 points before 1:20 or so to go in the game and that is easily done with one Brady bomb to David Givens and then a couple of Vinateiri field goals. So, anyway this year's script says the Patriots will get the ball back in a tie game at about the 11-yard line with 1:23 to go. Dillon will run for four before Brady completes six passes in a row to get the ball to the 30-yard line with 2 seconds to go in the game. As time runs out, Adam Vinateiri hits the ball straight down the middle for a 47-yard field goal to win the Super Bowl.

Patriots 37, Eagles 34.

The Super Bowl is an American holiday, a time to gather and indulge. Even those who don't care at all about football watch the game.

Plus it is the only holiday in which you get together with people you want to be with, not the people you have to be with. Those other holidays are way too stressful. Of course, if the Browns ever made this game it would send the stress meter off the charts. I'm not worried.

Want a donut?

This column is sponsored by the 1964 NFL season.

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