Newswire: Whamp, Whomp, Whump

You were saying something? Pardon me? ** Whap! **

Tuesday is the union-mandated off day for NFL players, so the Browns didn't practice. Naturally, that means that there isn't a whole lot of new Browns news to digest on Wednesday morning.

I remember when Webmasters Union demanded Thursdays off during the Great Webmaster Walkout of 2002, but lost bargaining power when many of us were replaced by former sheepherders from Uzbekistan and a couple of the more trainable chimps.

You'll still draw an angry glare from the guy behind the counter if you mention that dark day while in your local Gamestop.

With precious little new information available yesterday, the local media takes a look at some of the major developments on the Browns so far this season.

High on that list is the dramatic improvement in the Browns offensive line. A lot of Browns fans, myself included, are still struggling to deal with the notion that the Browns actually seem to have an effective offensive line. Sean McClelland of the Dayton Daily News helps us deal with this strange new reality, which has many Browns fans desperately watching tapes of the 2003 team and looking doe-eyed at old photos of Steve Zahursky just to reduce the impact of such jarring change.

But facts are facts, and nature kills off any creature that can't adapt. The Browns do, in fact, have an improved offensive line, and we're either going to have to deal with that or go the way of the carrier pigeon.

It appears that Tom Reed of the Akron Beacon-Journal is struggling with it as well, based on his nostalgia for Butch Davis' reality-bending press conferences.

The look back continues as both Jeff Schudel and Steve Doerschuck ponder the impact of players left over from the Davis regime. Jeff looks at the contributions of DE/DT/DE/DT/DE Orpheus Roye, while Steve looks at Butch's leftovers in a more general sense.

Further off the beaten track, the Daily Oklahoman talks to the Antonio Perkins about his reaction to being inactive during the season opener.

Also, the Kokomo Daily Tribune has the first article this week on how Maurice Carthon is going to be opposing his son, Ran Carthon, during Sunday's game. You will see more of those, most likely.

Also revealed in the story is Maurice's nurturing technique of whapping (the article says "pushing") his son on the back of his head and telling him to read his playbook.

It's only the fathers who seem to realize how easy it is for boys to tune out annoying things they're asked to do, and therefore know the appropriate time to cuff, whomp, or nudge. After all, they did the same thing when they were annoyance-avoiding kids and might still have the technique refined to deal with maintaining a good relationship with their spouses.

After all, if women realized how much the male ear can filter out, we'd all be getting a constant pokes in the back of our heads. After a while, this gradually escalates up to breaking furniture over our domes in order to focus our attention.

It's for this reason that males have devised the life-prolonging technique of uttering the timely "uh-huh". Without an ability to time the execution of the "uh-huh" and the "really?", the species would have be wiped out long ago.

- BDMc

 


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