Don't you know that you are a shooting star, and all the world will love you just as long, as long as you are - Bad Company
Yesterday for lunch, I ate live squirrel because everyone knows they are tastier when they twitch. So anyway, I was pouring ketchup on the tail when Keyshawn Johnson approached me and asked, "Hey, is that live squirrel?"
He's pointing his finger at me and his eyes are all bugged out like a maniac because he wants to be eating my live squirrel – tastes like chicken – while I'm spitting out fur and thinking: Catch your own damn squirrel.
And then I realize: Keyshawn could only catch a squirrel if it jumped right into his hands at chest level. And even then, I'm sure he'll find a way to blame the squirrel for its inability to be accurate.
PANTHERS AT LIONS – The Lions let their defensive players dress like wide receivers because in this Halloween season Steve Mariucci has learned that the way to win in this league is with deception. That's why he keeps telling Joey Harrington he is a good quarterback. Lions 24, Panthers 21
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Every young quarterback needs a hiccup and it's common knowledge that Tuna can cause you to burp. Cowboys 29, Giants 10
VIKINGS AT BEARS – The Bears, fresh off of making Trent Dilfer into a two-play Joe Montana, just recorded their new video, The-Super-Bowl-is-a-Game-We'll-Watch-on-TV Shuffle. "I'm Kyle Orton and I'm here to say…ouch!" Vikings 34, Bears 17
BYE AT CARDINALS – Bye at Cardinals…hmm…bye at Cardinals? Oh yeah, goodbye Cardinals.
BROWNS AT RAVENS – In a trick play, Trent Dilfer throws the ball to the Cleveland Clinic where Braylon Edwards catches it with one arm and then he laterals it to Kellen Winslow Jr., who uses a motorized scooter to run over Ray Lewis. The linebacker is then mistakenly scraped up and served with rice at the Road Kill Café. Tastes like chicken, proving the bird flu has indeed spread. Browns 35, Ravens 12
BENGALS AT TITANS – This is a true fork-in-the-road game for the Bengals because it's still possible, even plausible to a dreamer like me, that the team could fall back to suckdom. Each Bengals' victory makes me sadder and more concerned about Armageddon. Bengals 34, Titans 17
DOLPHINS AT BUCCANEERS – The game takes longer than most because the NFL, embarrassed by last year, requires Ricky Williams to pee in a cup after every first down. Quick, someone get Ricky more Gatorade! Dolphins 29, Buccaneers 12
BYE AT PACKERS – In the season in which nothing goes right, the bye comes at just the right time, huh?
JAGUARS AT STEELERS – Bill Cowher performs with the Pittsburgh Ballet Theatre at halftime, while the Pittsburgh Opera marching band plays Superfreak for the cultured ones of shining city on the hill. Okay, sometime I get my facts confused because I never knew about the cultured ones. Help me, I am scared now. Steelers 24, Jaguars 16
FALCONS AT SAINTS AT SAN ANTONIO – Before the season I predicted the New Orleans Saints would win the Super Bowl and I would now rescue those words if I could but FEMA runs me. Meanwhile, look for the man with the name of a whale feeder, Alge Crumpler, to have a big game. Falcons 37, Saints 20
CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – LaDanian Tomlinson is the best player in football. Randy Moss could be. I vote for "is" over "could be". Chargers 30, Raiders 20
PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – You want to know why Bill Belichick's teams win? It's because they play "professional" football. They do their job. Oh yeah, plus Adam Vinateiri and Tom Brady wear their uniform. That explains a lot too and, in fact, both of those men are total pros. A coincidence? Patriots 29, Broncos 28
JETS AT BILLS – The Kelly Holcomb Traveling Circus for dysfunctional franchises is most likely due to throw five touchdowns this week, because according to my calendar the broken leg, four-interception, two-fumble, nine-sack game isn't due for a couple of weeks. First, the Hall of Fame game. Bills 42, Jets 14
BYE AT 49ERS – Alex Smith has nightmares about horseshoes.
TEXANS AT SEAHAWKS – The Texans make a formal request to the United Nations to receive protection from a hostile NFL. Seahawks 36, Texans 13
RAMS AT COLTS – Peyton Manning needs to catch up to last year so he throws a touchdown on every single play from scrimmage. Hey you…the one who just read that sentence…don't believe everything you read. There are morons out there writing stuff. Trust me. I know one. Colts 44, Rams 21
If you don't take comfort in the misery of others, why do you watch sports? The thrill of victory is always partnered up with the agony of defeat. So when your team loses – yes you – I love it!
And I'm not the only one.
This column is sponsored by The People's Republic Of Paper Plates.
Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, MA.