Brains in the pot, they're beginning to boil; They're dripping with
garlic and olive oil
- Bob Dylan
My name is Tom…and I AM a turkey. Really. Gobble, gobble, okay, are you convinced? My last name is Owensmoss – yes, it rhymes with Rosenhaus.
So yesterday, a date which shall live in infamy and leftovers, our species was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the forks and knives of supposedly grateful humans. Poor, poor Aunt Thelma. But first, let me ask those humans – the evildoers, as I call them - thanks for what? Some humans are actually New York Jets' or Houston Texans' fans – seriously, why are they thankful?
Every year about now, humans give thanks by mass murdering us - only us – then arguing with relatives about stuff that happened two or more decades ago, and finally by watching the Detroit Lions play football. What a species! Some thanks. How would they like it if their funeral and subsequent autopsy featured gravy and a Lions game?
And yet, by the grace of poverty and vegetarianism, a few of us survive. So on the bright side, we have a bus leaving for the mall in an hour. It turns out that what Aunt Thelma – it's sad about Aunt Thelma – said is true: If you live past Thanksgiving, you can get some great deals on Friday!
Anyway, like all of you living turkeys gathered here for our annual post-Thanksgiving memorial service, I was saddened and horrified by the magnitude of yesterday's carnage – yes, the Lions game. But I am not giving into post-traumatic stress, and neither should you. Sure, the smell of gravy frightens me, I have nightmares about cranberries, and as for yams - I hate the freakin' yams! But that doesn't mean that I'm afraid to shake my neck at anyone. I urge you to please join me... Please join The Turkey Liberation Army – we don't squabble, we just gobble.
Halleluiah, Amen, and Grace. Oh and no thank you - I'm not hungry for leftovers today. I think I'm coming down with the flu. But go ahead, you eat.
FALCONS AT LIONS – The future, I can do. It's always tougher for me to figure out what's gonna happen yesterday because I can never remember. The Lions are thankful that their new careers in insurance sales will give time to watch the Red Wings more often. The Falcons are thankful that Michael Vick is learning how to throw a football. Falcons 27, Lions 7
BRONCOS AT COWBOYS – The Broncos are thankful that Ron Dayne never played NFL football before. Bill Parcells is thankful he didn't win one of the Phil Simms iron awards because in Bill's mind, well, what's an iron? Broncos 24, Cowboys 21
PANTHERS AT BILLS – The Panthers are thankful that Steve Smith plays like a diva wide receiver but doesn't act like one. The Bills are thankful that J.P. Losman isn't horrible on every play. Panthers 26, Bills 10
RAVENS AT BENGALS – When Ray Lewis finishes thanking the clerk for his new Barbie doll on the busiest shopping day of the year, a pig-tailed girl with a button nose beats him silly and steals his doll, and then he is swept away as trash by the mall janitor. Later, people thank the janitor for cleaning up the mall. Bengals 24, Ravens 6
RAMS AT TEXANS – The Texans are thankful for Reggie Bush exactly as much as Reggie Bush is not thankful for the Texans. The Rams are thankful they are playing the Texans. Rams 44, Texans 3
PATRIOTS AT CHIEFS – The Patriots are thankful that Tom Brady is one of the most fortunate humans on the planet. The Chiefs are thankful that Larry Johnson put that banana peal under Priest Holmes' feet. Chiefs 28, Patriots 24
BROWNS AT VIKINGS – Proving inspiration comes from mysterious places, Romeo Crennel thanks Reuben Droughns for getting arrested and turning his game around. Meanwhile, Mike Tice is thankful his team went on their still-being-investigated sex cruise and turned their game around. Whoever quarterbacks the Browns will be thankful for Braylon Edwards. Browns 27, Vikings 18
BEARS AT BUCCANEERS – If you get to see this game, you might be thankful for the entertainment. Kyle Orton is thankful for the Bears defense. Jon Gruden is thankful to himself for not trading Chris Simms when he could have. Buccaneers 17, Bears 14
CHARGERS AT REDSKINS – The Chargers are thankful the season is 16 weeks long because they started way too slow. The Redskins are thankful that Daniel Snyder hasn't fired Joe Gibbs…yet. Chargers 29, Redskins 17
49ERS AT TITANS – Both teams are just thankful the season is nearing the end. Titans 10, 49ers 9
JAGUARS AT CARDINALS – The Jaguars are thankful they can keep quietly winning with no one paying attention. The Cardinals wish anyone would pay attention. Jaguars 28, Cardinals 21
PACKERS AT EAGLES – Drew Rosenhaus calls Terrell Owens and ask, "Hey, aren't you going to thank me?" Brett Favre thanks T.O for getting him involved, while Andy Reid is thankful for alcohol at his point. Eagles 21, Packers 16
GIANTS AT SEAHAWKS – Thanks for this game. This could be fun. Shaun Alexander is thankful for the end zone, otherwise he'd have to just keep running because apparently no one can tackle him. Eli Manning thanks Tiki Barber, who thanks Eli Manning yet at the end of this game neither is talking. Seahawks 20, Giants 19
SAINTS AT JETS – No thanks. Saints 24, Jets 10
STEELERS AT COLTS – Peyton Manning thanks Archie Manning for taking time from his busy football career many years ago to have sex. Tommy Maddox thanks Vince McMahon for creating the XFL. Colts 28, Steelers 21
Thank you for reading.
And for those of you that don't know how to read, thanks for pretending.
This column is sponsored by pie.