I'm gonna find me a hole in the wall, I'm gonna crawl inside and die
- The Marshall Tucker Band
Last Sunday after Cleveland Browns receiver Braylon Edwards predictably injured his knee, I decided to cook my own heart. I had already ripped it from my body and chopped it into bite-sized chunks. So I thought to myself: chili!
Here's the thing. I don't ride a motorcycle. But I've seen the t-shirt worn by those that do and it says: "If I have to explain, you wouldn't understand."
Have you ever heard of Tim Couch? I wish I hadn't. Did you know that Bill Walsh said Courtney Brown was going to be the next Lawrence Taylor? I remember reading a comparison between Gerard Warren and Warren Sapp, and I also remember some "expert" said that William Green reminded him of Emmitt Smith. That was before Green's girlfriend stabbed him in the back but about the time I began my hobby of hitting myself in the head with a hammer.
You want to buy a bill of goods? Cheer for a Cleveland Browns first round draft pick. Kellen Winslow Jr. turned out to be not a better version of Kellen Winslow Sr. as we were told, but rather an Evil Knievel wannabe. And then there's Edwards, who looked like he was going to blossom into a superstar until his knee inspired me to make chili.
Anyway, here, have some. I put my heart into it.
PATRIOTS AT BILLS – Players in Buffalo are lucky because they get paid for a full game but are only expected to try for one quarter. Anyway, in the second quarter in between a couple of plays, Tom Brady cures cancer. Patriots 30, Bills 10
BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – It's so sweet that competing running backs DeShaun Foster and Stephen Davis cheer for each other even though they both want the same job. It reminds me of American politics. Panthers 17, Buccaneers 14
BROWNS AT BENGALS – Charlie Frye examines the options in his contract: 1) Play great and suffer a horrible injury. 2) Suck. 3) Become addicted to antifreeze and bubble gum and enter rehab with an ice pick in your left eye. 4) Buy a motorcycle with an obscene name and then ride it over curbs. "Who writes these contracts?" asks Charlie. Turns out it was Carmen Policy's idea. Browns 28, Bengals 26
COLTS AT JAGUARS – Do you know anyone who is perfect? Aren't those people annoying? Colts 29, Jaguars 13
RAMS AT VIKINGS - Koren Robinson said that Vikings quarterback Brad Johnson is "throwing it on time and he's throwing it precise. He's like Greg Maddux." If it's third down and I'm the Vikings offensive coordinator, I'm calling for the split-fingered fastball on the low inside corner. Rams 28, Vikings 10
RAIDERS AT JETS – Human Rights groups have become concerned about the inhumane treatment of Jets fans. Raiders 34, Jets 7
BEARS AT STEELERS – Sing along: One of these teams is not for real; One of these teams is a big, fat fraud; It's the team that's called the Steelers; Ha! Ha! Ha! Let's all applaud. Bears 20, Steelers 9
TEXANS AT TITANS – Just as fans start making room for a new Reggie Bush jersey, this happens. Texans 23, Titans 21
REDSKINS AT CARDINALS – Quietly, Kurt Warner is having a year like one of those baseball pitchers who get no run support. Sure Albert Pujols is a big hitter but he can't tackle. Cardinals 29, Redskins 19
GIANTS AT EAGLES – The Eagles sign Drew Rosenhaus to play quarterback just so Andy Reid can legally watch the crap get kicked out of him. Giants 27, Eagles 3
49ERS AT SEAHAWKS – Three weeks ago, the Seahawks beat the 49ers by only two points in San Francisco. And 49ers quarterback Alex Smith is playing better so that means… no it doesn't! Seahawks 35, 49ers 10
CHIEFS AT COWBOYS – Like one of those "switch" movies, Bill Parcells and Dick Vermeil switch personalities just before game time. Drew Bledsoe is so in shock that Parcells is nice that he throws three touchdowns. Meanwhile, Dick Vermeil cuts Larry Johnson. Cowboys 28, Chiefs 21
RAVENS AT BRONCOS – Of course, during surgery juju beans are dropped into Ray Lewis' hamstring causing a bad case of candy poisoning. Broncos 40, Ravens 12
DOLPHINS AT CHARGERS – Sage Rosenfels should start for the Dolphins because it's fun to hear announcers say Sage Rosenfels. Chargers 30, Dolphins 13
LIONS AT PACKERS – Some people want Brett Favre to walk that way, towards the sunset but what if, just saying, Reggie Bush shows up alongside him next year? It won't happen because, um, Matt Millen's brain built the opponent. Packers 27, Lions 24
SAINTS AT FALCONS – Al Michaels learns to knit. Falcons 32, Saints 12
So last week on a hunch I picked the Eagles to beat the Seahawks and the Seahawks instead squeaked out a 42-0 victory.
Every year I wait for a performance like that to ask my readers: If you bet the farm on my football predictions, what were you growing on that farm?
This column is sponsored by The Coalition to Speed Up Global Warming.
Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, MA. www.briantarcy.com