Do you ramble on and on about football for hours until your spouse threatens divorce and your dog bites you on the foot?
Do you read BTNG Crew commentary and say to yourself: "Self... I think I could do better than that while drunk and suffering from a non-fatal head injury"?
Does football run through your veins like some sort of gunky plasma?
Then you, perhaps, are qualified to participate in the BTNG Crew's Commentate-Off 2K2. Winners, so to speak, will be given the opportunity to provide fan commentary for Bernie's Insiders through the 2002-3 football season. Not only that, but you'll get the same pay as the BTNG Crew!!! Nothing! But at least you'll have a chance to spew your strange world view onto an unsuspecting audience of tens of thousands of innocent people. And who knows? With the exposure, perhaps you'll attract the attention of some big-shot sports publisher somewhere. Probably not, but, hey, it's happened.
How Do I Get Involved?
Send an email to Arthur B. Bietz, fellow unpaid commentator, at email@example.com. Art will keep a list of who wants in until he gets sick of taking names. Then, you will be contacted and informed that you are part of the fabulous commentate-off and asked to provide an article on one of a list of possible topics we will provide to you. The commentary must meet our exacting standards:
- Subject must be on one of a list of Browns topics we will provide
- Articles need to be in either MicroSquish Word or plain text format.
- Relatively coherent, well-written, and spell-checked
- Length in the range of 750-1500 words, not including words we don't understand
- Avoidance of the gratuitous use of obscenity, libelous comments, or praise for things we find annoying
- Anything else we can think of
In other words, we reserve the right to not run any
particular "try-out" articles if we don't think that they will be enjoyed by
our readers or might get us in some sort of trouble.
What Do I Get in Return?
Well, you get squat other than that we'll try to slam in
your commentary during the upcoming season. Each piece will have to be viewed
as being of appropriate quality and interest for our readers. As you can tell
from my columns, our standards aren't really all that high, but we will
reserve the right to not run particular columns. The columns will not be part
of the Bernie's Insiders Club package (i.e., they'll be free for everyone to
read), and will become the exclusive property of BerniesInsiders.com, although
we have no clue what we would ever do with them. That being said, we wouldn't
expect to see the same article show up on web sites other than BerniesInsiders.
We will design logos for regular fan columnists and will provide our usual
level of pimping for stuff we think is good. You will not be compensated for
the columns in any way, shape, or form other than having BerniesInsiders serve
as a platform for your writing. No charge for attendant fame and fortune.
How Will You Pick the Fan - Commentators?
We will select the fan columnists through a combination of the following, which we haven't finalized and reserve the right to change: a poll of visitors to the site, the opinions of the BTNG Crew, the opinions of various TheInsiders big-shots, feedback on the columns from visitors to our forums (who will be encouraged to offer feedback about the try-out columns), email received at Bernie's Insiders, the facial expressions of our lawyers upon looking at the columns, and whether columns make us snicker knowingly. The decisions will not be made by any individual, but rather through the consensus we see emerging from the above and will be made by a group of people involved in the site.
If you read all the above drivel and still feel like taking a crack at it, write to AB at firstname.lastname@example.org.