SWB: You Know What Would Suck?

The season is over. Our old friend Bernie has moved on to new challenges, but the rest of the gang remains and we now call ourselves "The OBR". Starting today, other changes will begin as we strive to continue our in-depth coverage provided by the best Browns writers anywhere - while also returning to our roots as a site driven by Browns fans. Be warned, what you are about to read is FAN PERSPECTIVE, containing STRONG LANGUAGE, and intended for MATURE AUDIENCES.


You know what would suck?  Being an Arizona Cardinals fan.

Think about it: if you were a Cardinals fan, your team would suck. Not only that, but it would have sucked quite a lot for quite a while. Sure, there was the one playoff appearance in the past 10 years, against your most hated rival even, but the team would be rife with bad personnel decisions, an inability to commit to one philosophy over the long haul, changing coaches and quarterbacks all the time, drafting some serious whiffs in the first round … I mean, where would it end?

You'd draft the running back with a great track record in college but maybe some questions about his character, and then he'd turn out to be a complete freaking idiot when it came to reading holes.

Sure, he'd look strong and everything, but he wouldn't run with authority and you'd finally give up on him.  

And then there's the young quarterback you'd get in the first round who'd show flashes of brilliance, but then do something just flat-out dopey and he'd get hurt and leave and good freaking riddance.  

The problem, of course, is that the offensive line is pretty much crap day in and day out, and how much would it suck to root for a team like that?   You know there's no chance of sustained success, but what are your f**king options?

And the front office turmoil, don't get me started.  You'd have the defensive guy who says the right things but the team quits on him, and who can blame them?  

They suck!  How hard would it be to play for a consistent loser like that?  

So to get credibility, you hire the large African-American guy with the great track record, and although you certainly appreciate the effort and the smarts, he just isn't given much to work with.  Jury's still out on that one.  You hope he can turn it around, though.

Except he's working with a starting quarterback who won a Super Bowl, sure, like at the turn of the freaking century.  

He got bounced from his last job due to a combination of injuries and just being freaking pathetic: he was available for a reason, you know.   He sure makes some weird decisions, though.  And gets hit a lot.  That's encouraging.

Of course, you had a guy, the last guy to take you to the playoffs, kinda erratic, but it's not like he was devoid of talent.  

I mean, after he left, he took a team with the iconic coach and the great running game all the way to the conference champeenship game.   Sure, he lost, we all knew he'd lose, he's not that good, but it's more success than the Cardinals have had any time recently.

And hell, it gets worse: the goddam biggest rival is that fXXXXng team riding the coattails of their old seventies glory  with the Hall of Fame quarterback and the Hall of Fame coach who never showed any fXXXXng emotion.

You would make more fun of them except them they came back and won another Super Bowl with the big goofy All-Pro quarterback and that damned wide receiver who was always smiling.  

You knew, I mean you KNEW that guy was going to get the ball on third and medium-long, and sure enough, they threw it too him and he got the goddamn first down.  


And then they had the running back who people thought wouldn't ever be that great, I mean, he didn't have the physical measurables and wasn't that fast and all of a sudden you look up at the end of his career and he's passed Jim Brown and a bunch of guys and he's in the top five in all-time rushing because he's freaking hard to tackle and everybody loves him because he's cute and cuddly and makes me freaking barf.   And the worst part is, every time they come here to my stadium to play, the crowd is ****ing half full of bandwagonning fans cheering for them instead of us!   Man, that would suck.

And we have the most classic uniforms in NFL history, and they decide to screw them up. Man, only the Cardinals would mess up something as classic as that.

Of course, it goes without saying that the Cardinals have never gone to the Super Bowl.  How pathetic do you have to be to have NEVER gone to the Super Bowl?   Philadelphia went to the Super Bowl.  Carolina went to the Super Bowl!  Tampa Bay, TAMPA F***ING BAY, WON the Super Bowl!   Man, that would suck.  I couldn't even watch that crap.

So, I mean, let's recap: bad team, has been bad for at least 10 years, no real prospects except wishing and hoping, front office turmoil, stadium taken over by your rival, lame revolving door of subpar quarterbacks, spotty running game, decent defense that manages to keep you in games so you can lose, long history of futility, rival renews bragging rights over your sorry ass … you know what I'd feel if I were a Cardinals fan?  

Rage.  Inarticulate, inchoate, livid rage.  And ennui.  I wouldn't care, and when I did, I'd be furious.   A crap sandwich with a shot of urine on the side.  Man, that would suck.

Thank God I'm not a fan of a team like that.


Steve Buffum grew up in Akron, Ohio. He now works as a data cudgeller for a firm in Austin, TX. Technically, he was alive for Cleveland's last major championship, but at age four months, celebrated by getting colic. He can be reached at steve.buffum@gmail.com.

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