Inside The NFL Studio: Brian Billick

With the advent of league and team-owned TV networks, the highly trained OBR staff realized that we needed to fight back with our own deviously concieved media strategy. When we realized that we needed to deliver coverage which out-fawned and under-controversied the competition, our collective brain trust said as one: "GET JAMES LIPTON RASHAD". So we did.

You may write to J.L. Rashad about this and future interviews at: jlrashad@theobr.com. Thank you.


Rashad: Hello, and welcome once again to "Inside the NFL Studio."  I am your humble, yet erudite and sycophantic host, James Lipton Rashad.   It is my distinct pleasure ... nay, a near orgiastic experience ... to be here with you today in the presence of greatness.  No, not mere greatness, but rather a light whose beacon shines with the power of an untold variety of stars.   Even this does it injustice.  In the words of the immortal Daffy Duck, with whom I have conversed many times, I may go so far as to call it, "mediocre."

I am speaking of course of my guest, a head coach in the National Football League, a man among men, who needs no introduction, yet this is my job, so I provide one: Mr. Brian Billick.   Thank you for joining us, sir, it is indeed an honor.

Billick: Yes.  Yes, it is.

Rashad: And may I say sir, that you look positively radiant today.

Billick: You may.  And, I might add, you should.

(both men laugh, one sycophantically, one majestically)

Rashad: Tell us, sir, how did you come to invent the game known as modern football?

Billick: When I was a young man, perhaps seven or eight, I cannot recall exactly, I noticed that the men playing the game we call football were not taking advantage of all the opportunities laid before them.   There they were, toiling under the misconception that a team must have certain elements: a running game, a stout defense, talented receivers, insignificant things, and yet, they could be doing so much more.   It pained me, even at that early age, to watch such a pedestrian sport, such a humdrum sport, such a sport with no me in it.

Rashad: It sounds terrible.

Billick: Yes, James, it was.

Rashad: And so you dedicated yourself to the reinventing of the sport?

Billick: Well, first I had to complete my elementary school education.

(both men laugh, one excessively, the other haughtily)

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Rashad: Indeed.  Tell me more.

Billick: Of course.  After years of careful study and training, I was able to enter the coaching profession.   I was torn, of course: to cure diabetes, correct the misconceptions of quantum mechanics, or coach football, so naturally I chose the most challenging field.

Rashad: Your greatness inspires me.

Billick: Yes, it does.  It inspires us all.

Rashad: At what point did you know that Dennis Green was stunting your development as a genius ... or should I say, supergenius?

Billick: The precise term is hypergenius.

Rashad: Of course!  How stupid of me.

Billick: Yes, James, it is.  And yet I forgive you, for I am as magnanimous as I am uncannily brilliant.

Rashad: Uncanny!

Billick: Naturally.  Why, as I said to John Finestine while ...

Rashad: Excuse me, I believe he pronounces it "Fine steen."

Billick: He used to, yes.  I have since corrected him.  As I pointed out, and of course I could not have expected him to have notcied, his powers of observation do not approach mine, but as I told him, "John, the syllables are spelled with identical endings: they simply must rhyme.   You may be either Fine Stine or Feen Steen, but you may not be Fine Steen.  I recommended Fine Stine, based on my study of Germanic languages, and naturally he agreed.

Rashad: What choice did he have.  Your etymological skills surpass those of William Safire, sir.

Billick: Well, of course.  But this is to be expected, is it not?

(both men laugh, one implausibly, the other monomaniacally)

Billick: Yet I must congratulate you on your perceptiveness, James, to see that Denny was holding me back.

Rashad: It was written on the cue card you gave me.

Billick: Indeed it was.  And so, given the opportunity to leave, I wisely chose Baltimore as my destination, and it was there that my hypergeniosity resulted in a Super Bowl victory.

Rashad: Indeed, to think of all the great men never to have won a Super Bowl: George Halas, Paul Brown, John F. Kennedy, Charlemagne ... you are clearly the better to them all.

Billick: Yes.  Yes, I am.

Rashad: So, what can we expect from the Ravens in the upcoming season?

Billick: Well, there aren't a lot of franchises with the vision and patience to allow me to put my nine-year plan into place, but thankfully, Baltimore is one of them.  Because of my mind control training, I have convinced the various and sundry ownership and front office personnel to yield to my every whim, which, of course, is the best way for all.   You will see more of Kyle Boller's intense Brownian Motion Error Band completion methods ....

Rashad: I can hardly contain myself!

Billick: ... and, of course, a continuation of our patented two-yard running game ...

Rashad: A true innovation!

Billick: ... yes, but unfortunately Houston has sent spies to our practices and has been copying our plan to lull defenses into a false sense of grandeur, simply waiting for our opportunity to strike with laser-like precision at the time of our choosing ...

Rashad: I quiver in a near-euphoric state!

Billick: ... and then when the time is right, I will unveil my most quasibrilliant offensive development on the league, which will, correctly, I might add, cower and sulk as the overmatched troglodytes they are.

Rashad: I am speechless.  No, wait, I cannot contain my speech: I must create a new word, just for this occasion: your ginormity is an excelebrationary fantasmitude!

Billick: I knew you would say that, as I invented the term before our interview.

(both men laugh, one moronically, the other moronically)

Rashad: Coach Billick, thank you so much for gracing us with your presence.  I cannot remember a time I felt more awed, more overwhelmed with gratitude, more nauseated.

Billick: No, James, you cannot.

Rashad: That's all the time we have for this week: join us next week when our guest will be Cleveland Browns coach Romeo Crennell.

Billick: A piker, a veritable schoolboy compared to me.

Rashad: We shall see.  Good night.


 
The Right Hon. Sir James Lipton Rashad received a Bachelor of Arts in Lackeying from the University of Ohio at Barrett.  He received a PhD in Toadying soon thereafter and is now the Trivisonno Chair of Bootlicking at UOB.  He has trained many members of the Cleveland Press Corps, but left to pursue his own interests when his pupils surpassed his sycophantic skills.  He can be reached at jlrashad@theobr.com, where he will no doubt be thrilled to receive your missive.

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