Sorry, The Owl just can't take it anymore. All this moaning and groaning about what Romeo Crennel should do with Braylon Edwards. Sure, Crennel should suspend him for a game. Prove to him the cattle don't run the ranch, as Jim Brown said in the locker room Sunday.
Okay, so Edwards learns his lesson and instead of throwing tantrums on the sideline he throws them elsewhere. He isn't the first player to go bonkers. It's just that the camera caught him grabbing Charlie Frye, and this four days after Edwards stupidly said Brian Russell was wrong for cleaning Chad Johnson's clock.
Forget all that crap. What I want to know is what in the name of Paul Brown could Phil Savage possibly have said to Randy Lerner Sunday? About the football game, I mean, because what happened between the sidelines while losing another home game, 30-0 to the Bengals, was a much bigger embarrassment than what happened in a heated moment in front of the Browns bench. Let's listen into how their conversation might have gone.
Randy: "Hey, Phil. You can't hide in the bathroom forever. You went in there when it was 7-0. Now it's 23-0. We blocked an extra point. You shoulda seen it."
Door opens, clicks shut, and Savage sits in the chair next to Lerner in the owner's box. He pulls his chair away a couple inches when he sees the look on Lerner's face and notices fans are already leaving the stadium.
Phil: "Yeah, well, you know, Randy, a lot of big decisions are made in the john. I was looking over these scouting reports."
Randy: "Scouting reports on college guys?"
Phil "Yep. Here's one on offensive tackles, one on guards, one on centers, one on defensive ends, one on nose tackles, one on cornerbacks and one on running backs. Oh yeah, and one on quarterbacks. I was studying that one real close."
Randy: "Hmmm. I can see why you were in there so long. Tell me again about this plan of yours and how we're getting better. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't this Cincinnati defense just give up 49 points two weeks ago?"
Phil: "You are exactly right."
Randy: "Then how come we can't even get a field goal."
Phil: "Because Phil Dawson missed one."
Randy: "You know what I mean. How come this offense looks like 11 guys who never met each other before noon today? Why is the offensive line so leaky? Why did I give Reuben Droughns a three-year contract extension if Jason Wright is starting and Droughns is on the bench? And as far as Braylon Edwards acting so weird, I thought Joe Jurevicius was supposed to stop the weirdness. Edwards and Kellen don't seem like the type guys who would listen to Jurevicius, so what's up with that?"
Phil: "Joe hurt his back in training camp and then he had that rib injury."
Phil: "So I'm just saying he's feeling better now."
Randy: "Phil, that's the kind of answer I expect Romeo to give the reporters. They asked him how come Jurevicius has only 16 catches and he said it was because passes aren't being thrown to him very often."
"Phil: "And he's right."
Randy: "But why aren't passes being thrown to Jurevicius!?
Phil: "That's a question for Romeo."
Randy: "Okay, we'll let that one go. Tell me again why I should believe Charlie Frye is going to be a good quarterback. To tell you the truth, Phil, I'm not seeing it. It doesn't look like the fans are seeing it, either, because they're looking at the steps in front of them so they don't trip while they're WALKING OUT OF MY STADIUM in the third quarter which means THEY ARE NOT BUYING BEER or SOUVENIRS and which also means THEY MIGHT NOT COME BACK NEXT WEEK or NEXT YEAR!!"
Phil: "Hey, Randy, be honest. Would you want to buy a ticket to watch a game like this? You get in for free and you get to sit in this cushy owner's box. Those poor schmucks had to pony up for PSLs, then they had to buy tickets, and then sometimes they have to pay 20 bucks to park. Beer is around a thousand dollars a bottle. Get real! I don't blame them for leaving early or not showing up at all. I mean, come on, your team is going to be 3-8 as soon as this clinker is over."
Randy: "Phil, I think you should get back in that men's room."