John Taylor's Tales From A Notebook

Much like the game itself, the following notebook contains a "TV-MA" rating. Click and read at your own risk. The OBR is not responsible for any damage, mental or vision-wise, that results from said viewing.

Random notes, thoughts, questions and impressions from yet another joyous Christmas Eve celebration of football and family at Cleveland Browns Stadium.

(WARNING: The following compilation of notes contains the phrase "a whale's vagina". If you are uncomfortable with yourself or your children reading the phrase "a whale's vagina", do not continue reading because you will, at some point, come across the phrase "a whale's vagina".)

("Doonesbury" rocks.)

--Thankfully, for all involved, this was no "Christmas Eve Massacre". No, this was more along the lines of a "Christmas Eve Kick in the Testicles By A Toddler Wearing Those Really Hard Baby Shoes". Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe, I guess.

--I had a choice to make on Sunday: either watch the Browns game or shove my head into a vice and slowly ratchet it down until my skull was compressed into the density of a human hair. I was under the assumption that the former would be less painful than the latter. I was wrong.

--After Sean Jones blocked the PAT in the third quarter, I thought to myself that they're only four field goals down and have plenty of time at their disposal to mount a comeback. Then I realized that, in a little-known provision pork-barreled into the ban on smoking at Cleveland Browns Stadium, the Browns are not allowed to kick a first-quarter FG or make a third-quarter FG past the third Sunday in December, at which point I lost all hope and started searching draft websites.

--I read somewhere that the word "draft" is Latin for "porn". Can anyone confirm this or point me to a link? And by "link", I mean a really good "draft" site.

--My new slogan: "Pooch Punts By 4-10 Teams At Home Are For (slang word for "a whale's vagina"). Kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

--I love Brown. I love Brown.

--What did Browns fans do to deserve this? I mean seriously. OK, God, we get the point. Ha, Ha. Good one, Big Guy. It was funny at first, but, I gotta say, this is getting really old really quick. We apologize. For whatever it was that we did.

--Rack RAC for sitting Braylon Edwards. Might be a couple of weeks/months too late, but the "better late than never" axiom would be apt here.

--You could say that Braylon dropped the ball on how he handled the temporary demotion, though, couldn't ya?

--And Romeo dressing down a player on the sidelines? That's a find of Holy Grail proportions. Or, at least, a shot of Art Shell taking a breath on the sidelines.

--Why was there no announcement that Tiger Woods was gonna be doing the color commentary for the game today? You'd think that would've merited a note or blurb or something in the week leading up to the game. (Watch the opening minutes of the broadcast again and tell me I'm wrong.)

--Would a broadcasting duo of Corky and my father's black lab have done a worse job than the twosome who set broadcasting back at least two generations? What about an end table and my nine-month-old daughter? I think not. Even the black lab knows that the Browns kick returner is Josh Cribbs.

--I would've hit the mute button and piped in the radio feed, but it was kinda like a car wreck. Or Shannon Sharpe in studio. I just had to listen.

--That FOX robot annoys the living shiite out of me.

--On the brighter side of the game being on FOX, though, it was broadcast in HD. Which means, of course, that we could see the empty seats with greater clarity. You could almost see the ghosts of fans past, the picture was so vivid.

--Jesus turns water into wine. The Japanese can turn a television into a watch. Reuben Droughns turns twenty-yard gains into seven yarders. He's like the anti-Christ. Or Chinese. Or something.

--If Adrian Peterson is available when it comes time for the Browns' first selection in next April's draft, the Browns need to take approximately a nanosecond to fill out his name on their card before handing it to the commissioner.

--They have a "Big Man's Camp" for aspiring NBA/collegiate centers. They have tennis academies for aspiring tennis players. If there's a "Throwing The Long Ball" seminar somewhere in the continental United States during this upcoming off-season, Derek Anderson needs to sign up.

--Speaking of Anderson, he was very Charlie Frye-esque in the first half. And the second half. And that is definitely not necessarily a good thing. Still, I want to see some more of DA and how he bounces back from an utterly abysmal performance.

--Oops, scratch the above. Judging by the ferocity of the pile-drive Anderson's shoulder endured, I'd say he won't be available a week from today. And I'll bet that RAC lists him as "questionable" with a knee strain.

--The Browns had better not "Vince Young" this draft. That's all I'm saying.

--It doesn't matter if somebody "flashes" in front of you or not. You have to catch the football. And I think Kellen Winslow Jr. would be the first to say that very same thing. As soon as he gets RAC out of his face, of course.

--Leon Williams bears a striking resemblance to The Predator. Come to think of it, so does Joshua "Bryant". Too bad the team doesn't bear the same striking resemblance to a real live NFL team.

--Ralph Brown delivers a huge hit on some Tampa receiver. To update the score, it's NFL wide receivers 118, Ralph Brown 1. We'll keep you apprised of any scoring changes made by the Elias Sports Bureau, Crappy Team Subdivision.

--Ted Washington sitting on the end of a really long bench. There was the potential for high comedy right there.

--Nice job by Simon Fraser nearly laying out Daven Holly. Holly was clearly out of bounds, though, and Fraser was lucky he didn't get flagged for a late hit or unnecessary roughness.

--Did Jerome Harrison get a quarterback killed and I missed the press release of him being brought up on charges? There are a lot of things that defy description from this lost 2006 season, and Harrison going from pre-season stud to regular-season ghost ranks right up there.

--UPDATE: NFL WRs 126, Ralph Brown 1.

--If the Browns do indeed decide that Crennel is the coach that can lead them to the Promised Land--with "Promised Land" being a .500 squad around here--they had better be damn sure. Because, if not, keeping the status quo will add at least two more years to the misery from the point of his eventual firing. Bare minimum.

--What good is continuity when the only constant is rudderless suck? Discuss amongst yourselves...

--Did anyone else find themselves laughing uncontrollably when Derrick Brooks returned the interception for a touchdown? And I don't mean laughing in a "wow, that was quite humorous" kind of way. I mean laughing in a "the repo man just ran over my dog and barely missed the sheriff's deputy, who was delivering me the eviction notice, and the mailman, who was delivering me the shut-off notices for all of my utilities, while my retainered divorce lawyer was bending over my wife" kind of way.

--Why do I get the feeling that Romeo's press conference tomorrow will take on all of the jubilance of a Bud Dwyer meet-and-greet with the media?

--In my Yahoo! Pick 'Em league, I have chosen the Browns to win each and every week. I should be under some type of investigation.

--He did not just say "Holly, appropriately enough, on this Christmas Eve..." did he? I believe Brian Kinchen summed it up best when he eloquently stated "That's kind of gay".

--Seeing Ken Dorsey hurriedly taking snaps on the sidelines, I now know how terrorists feel upon coming face-to-face with Jack Bauer.

--Nothing says "Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays" like the Browns being booed off the field in their home finale. It ranks right up there with other Christmas traditions like grandpa getting drunk and breaking a hip, or swallowing a glock. It's just something that, even as an adult, you look forward to year in and year out.

--On a positive note, God bless you Kamerion Wimbley. You are one of the lone beacons of hope in a sea of festering feces. 10 sacks with one game remaining from a rookie. Not bad, Mr. Wimbley. Not bad at all.

--That's all the positivity I can muster. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of the loyal readers of The OBR. Just wait 'til next year. Right? Right?


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