John Taylor's 'Tales From A Notebook'

Ridiculous? Check. Embarrassing? Check. Humiliating? Umm, you think? John Taylor sat through the entire debacle, and had his pen and notebook at the ready. And it's not pretty. Oh, the humanity...

-- I could've sworn there was a game tonight. ESPN was there and everything. Guess the guide button on my Dish Network remote is on the fritz.

-- First and foremost on everybody's mind heading into tonight's game: How exactly will the all-brown pants the Browns will be wearing look? For a fashion critique, I'll let my better half take it from here for the next few sentences:

It's football, not a fashion show.

I think the brown "pants" look black, and too shiny from far away. They need to get them dirty. I have never been so happy to see a fat old man in a Speedo until I watched this pre-season game tonight. That's how…odd…they look from far away.

Close up, they look good on Brady! Poor Anderson. I hope he's alright.

They might look better with some stripes down the legs. Or, actually, instead of being like everyone else, how about, instead of putting some big ole "attention zones" on the legs, let's put them on the butt crack and package?

As if I wasn't watching for the football, I may pay more attention then!

-- Ladies and gentlemen, that's the type of in-depth analysis you will not find anywhere else.  And something you will see week-in, week-out here at The OBR.  Subscribe now!

-- Of course, there was a game tonight as well.  I think.  On to that, I guess.

-- Wow. Just wow. Embarrassing. I don't care that this was the pre-season or not. Three huge special teams breakdowns. Two blown coverages. Passes thrown behind, short, wide. A Pro Bowler leaves the field with an injury. Six penalties for 98 yards. 23 points allowed. And all of this transpired in the first quarter.

-- OK, take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Feng shui and stuff… There ya go, now we are centered and… crap, they started the next quarter…

-- A fumble return for a touchdown, and Derek Anderson gets dinged. Within the first two minutes of the start of the second quarter. Did they last play a game eleven days or eleven years ago?

-- My math skills are a little rusty, but, if my calculations are correct, all of the above transpired in seventeen minutes. Time sure flies when you're getting the shit kicked out of you.

-- No offense to the other 58 players currently on the roster, but what happened with the starting 22 on the field carries a hell of a lot more import than the "comeback".  Every single player who started that game should be embarrassed. Overconfidence due to the positive press they've received thus far? That should be a thing of the past.

-- "We've got these guys how many times on national television this year???"

-- And to think, in my pre-game 12-pack, I was looking forward to the Browns OL/ Giants DL match-up. I really need to start drinking before I start writing that.

-- The Giants did not have their top three receivers on the field at all tonight. Just thought I would point that out.

-- The only thing I can come up with to take a shot at my most favoritest ex-Browns head coach is "the Giants have left the Browns be-Fudd-led." I really need to stop drinking while I write this.

-- "Syndric Steptoe. You are a madman! When you stole that football, and the defensive back tried to steal it back from you? I wanna party with you, cowboy. The two of us together? Forget it."

-- I think I'd be worried if I were Steve Sanders, and possibly even Travis Wilson.  Seeing Steptoe tonight gave me a Josh Cribbs circa 2005 vibe for some reason.

-- I think I would prefer to listen to Tony Kornheiser write an article as opposed to broadcast an NFL game. I'll know for sure once the numbness vacates my brain's mortal coil.

-- 56-yarder from Phil Dawson that would've easily been good from 57 yards. Very nice kick, Mr. Dawson. I may have to get off your back this season. Finally.

-- I don't know if Jamal Lewis will match, exceed or fall short of his production of last year, but damn does he look quicker and lighter of foot. More so than at any point since his 2K rushing year way back in 2003. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd lay good money on Lewis – if he stays healthy – trumping what he did in '07. By a relatively wide margin.

-- We need something positive in this space, no? Dammit, I think I pulled a muscle with that reach…

-- Some how, some way, this Browns' staff needs to find ways to get Jerome Harrison even minimal touches each and every game. Why this doesn't happen continues to be a mystery to me, and will be something I run so far into the ground that the Chinese will bitch about it.

-- That's OK, Eric Wright. Not a big deal. It was one series. OK, two series. Get it out of your system now.

-- For those who are wondering, before typing the above, I knocked on wood with crossed fingers and toes crossed.

-- What I got from the #1 offense of the Browns going against the #1 defense of the Giants: that unit needs as many real-game reps as it can get. Not only is it not yet a finely-tuned Porsche, it doesn't even have a veteran driver to be the calming influence behind the wheel. The first-team offense needs more reps than you would normally prefer in both exhibition games and in practice settings. And if that means less time for Brady Quinn and others with the "ones", then so be it. It has to be about this year.

-- What I got from the #1 defense of the Browns going against the #1 offense of the Giants: if they put no pressure on the QB – how many years consecutively have we been saying that? – the talent and progression of Wright and Brandon McDonald will be wasted. And it won't matter much if they bring in Ty Law, Ashton Youboty, Lester Hayes, Hanford Dixon or anybody else, for that matter, to fortify the schlep behind the starters.

-- Can we get ESPN to acknowledge the penalty which negated a good gain to Charles Ali instead of an interview with Michael Strahan? Can we even get a mention, a hint, a clue, as to the transgression? The World Wide Leader is the best and worst thing that's ever happened to televised sports.

-- If that Giant would've been between five and seven yards past the line of scrimmage, Andra Davis would've landed the punch.

-- I'm thinking that late second-quarter drive by the offense was a big ol' flip of the bird from both Quinn and offensive coordinator Rob Chudzinski. To no one in particular. Although you particulars do know who you are.

-- Speaking of Quinn, he looked pretty damn good. I was kind of surprised to see that he has the physical ability to throw a football more than a couple of yards past the line of scrimmage, though. Didn't think he had that in his pop-gun arsenal.

-- Can you really judge anything – secondary-wise – when it's Anthony Wright/David Carr and the fourth-, fifth- and sixth-best receivers on the field? That'd be like judging the merits of the Three Stooges based on Shemp, Joe Besser and Curly Joe.

-- I'm still knocking, Corey, and you still aren't answering. And you are better than that.

-- Memo to Mike Tirico: Quinn's "hometown" would be Cleveland, not Green Bay. That's OK, though. Easy mistake to make. All of us Midwesterners look the same.

-- "Ryan Tucker, get well soon." Sincerely, Browns' starting quarterbacks and running backs. Rex had not an average game nor a poor game. Think lower.

-- And, oh yeah, I just did that. And you'll see why when you read the next note.

-- OK, I'll be honest: I spent more time over the last quarter of the game on beer than actually watching the game. Sorry, Ahtyba Rubin. I'll catch ya tomorrow on the second look.

-- I haven't decided yet, whether I'm more pissed off over what transpired over the first seventeen minutes of this "game" or over the fact that my two-year-old daughter spread Easy Mac all over her bedroom during roughly the same time frame. I'm thinking the latter, but I'll need the night to mull it over.

-- And speaking of mulling it over, RAC and staff, you're on…



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