TO: Ross Verba, Offensive Lineman, Cleveland Browns Football Club
FROM: Arthur B. Bietz, Official Dude with a Bad Right Ankle of the NFL
RE: Public Relations Issues
I was at the game Sunday and I didn't hear your name called on the loudspeaker after the game started at all. I also didn't see a defensive end other than Julius Peppers sacking the quarterback, so I figured I would check out the field and see if you were still playing. And there you were! I'm glad to hear that you're still with the team and still getting playing time.
I have to tell you, this just isn't working from a PR standpoint, bud.
How do you expect to get name recognition if you aren't getting your number in referee announcements, showing your bravado in the press, or showing a terrific "spin around like a top" agility as a defensive lineman blows past you?? These problems are just going to get worse if the team ever moves you to your best position at guard. Then you'll be hidden between two other players and will never get anyone's attention.
Think about getting a bit more visible will ya? I'm looking out for you.
TO: Butch Davis, Head Coach, Cleveland Browns
FROM: Arthur B. Bietz, Official Unofficial Beer Guzzler of the NFL
RE: Happy Holidays!
Thanks a bunch for the recent holiday gift of a victory against the Saints! Well done!
As the season has worn on, I've continued to think about your wise words regarding the challenge of "going to 9-7 from 7-9". With the NFL the way it is these days, the secret to getting into the playoffs seems to be staying injury-free and getting lucky in the lower rounds of the draft for a couple of years. Not exactly our strong suits, eh?
Anyhow, I figured I would send along a couple of Slap A Front Office Exec cards for you to use before next season.
If you see any front office types rattling on about the team being in the playoffs or Super Bowl, these cards enable you to viciously slap them without worrying about any negative comments coming from the press. It's just like a Get Out Of Jail Free card, only more satisfying.
I'm only including two, so use them wisely.
Yours in Merry Mediocrity,
TO: Maj. General Bob "Spooky" Wintergreen, Central Intelligence Agency
FROM: Arthur B. Bietz, Official Foot Deodorant User of the NFL
RE: Formula XP-197 Testing
Dear Gen. Wintergreen,
I know that you are as thrilled as I am about the recent successful test of XP-197 on the civilian population of Cleveland, Ohio. Now that we have seen the results of the random application of XP-197 on football crowds, it is clear that the formula performs as well as was expected.
Not only did the formula render 20% of ticket-holders in Cleveland Browns Stadium invisible once the temperature dipped below 32 degrees Farenheit, but it appears to have made them weightless and noiseless as well. It's like they weren't even there! The quick development of this "Stealth Fan" cold-weather technology bodes well for future military applications, particular those that take place in mountainous regions where cold air and high winds are prevalent.
We have to tip our hats to our unwitting test subjects. There hasn't been a word of complaint!
I think back with a chuckle to those who said that PSLs and high ticket costs would result in the loss of the old fans at the Stadium. It's clear that these "corporate newcomers" are not only as dedicated as other Browns fans, but after going through this invisibility testing, it's clear that they are American patriots willing to make significant personal sacrifices as well. Kudos to all!
Military-Industrial Complexily Yours,
TO: Carmen Policy, President and Uber-Master, Cleveland Browns Football Club
FROM: Arthur B. Bietz, Official Congested Sinus of the NFL
RE: Uniform Designs
Congratulations on the recent increase in retail sales featuring the Browns "third jersey"! Seeing those old traditional designs re-appear during Thanksgiving "Classics" week was a real thrill for all of us.
I'm sure you've noticed that the name of this particular team is "Browns". The "Orangemen" are in Syracuse, which is why they wear orange jerseys. The "Browns", on the other hand, typically wear "Brown" jerseys or those which have a neutral white color but has a bunch of brown stuff on it.
It just doesn't work, see? If we're going to make this work, perhaps you should consider changing the team name to "Oranges". After all, everyone likes oranges! Think of the possibility of things like "Orange JUICE"! There could be lots of upside.
An implementation option is to make the transition in small steps. First call the team the "Cleveland Orange Browns", or "Boreanges" as a transitional step to "Orange". Fans won't like the change all at once, but maybe you can sell it little-by-little. Good luck on it.
This is definately outside the box and a real paradigm shift from the "old" stodgy image that the team had. Sports Business Journal will be all over this.
My people will call your people. Names, mostly.
A. B. Bietz
Ex-Big Five Consultant
TO: Jamel White, Running Back, Cleveland Browns Football Club
FROM: Art Bietz, Official Acknowledger of Officialness of the NFL
RE: More of the Same
I don't care who starts. You still da man and you're going to get the recognition and money someday. Either here or elsewhere. Hard work pays off... sometimes it just takes longer than it should.
You're an inspiration, man. No BS. That's all there is to say about that.