Brian Tarcy's Mirage

Brian Tarcy has, for a moment at least, stopped seeing visions of Lombardi Trophies long enough to ponder the state of his bandwagon. It was running just fine earlier this year, and now look at it...

Dear Lerner Bandwagon Dealership,

Last summer, I purchased a bandwagon from your dealership as I have every year for a decade. I have a complaint.

I loved my bandwagon. I believed when your red-haired salesman told me on the showroom floor that it would bring me great joy during my upcoming journey. I didn't bother to check with Consumer Reports. Frankly, I'll admit that I like the colors.

Here are some facts: due to the current condition of the said vehicle – in a ditch and on fire - I cannot tell if it is a Chevrolet, Chrysler or Ford, but I am writing to formally complain that this bankrupt bandwagon hasn't taken me anywhere that I've wanted to go.

I believe whichever company made this vehicle should not get bailed out, and your dealership should be ashamed to ever have put this on the showroom floor.

Let me go through a few of the details. I've had a huge problem with the fancy Braylon rims you convinced me would improve my look so much.

Sure the Braylon rims draw attention to themselves like crazy, but they were not functional all year. I'd put them on the vehicle and they'd just fall off. They couldn't seem to hold onto anything.

I already received a form letter from the maker of the Braylon rims claiming that they are Michigan's best and suggesting that the only reason that I don't like them is because my vehicle spends most of its time in Ohio. There was no mention at all of the failure to hold on.

This raises a few questions about your dealership. How is it that you install a faulty Michigan product that advertises itself as the greatest thing since sliced Wolverine, yet when a truly great Michigan product like the Brady engine was available you instead grabbed for the Wynn bicycle? Win, we did not.

I have been buying a new bandwagon from you every year for a decade. Your product doesn't seem to be getting any better. In fact, I usually spend my holidays in this ditch. Yes, I love your product.

I am the easiest customer on the planet to sell to, especially in late summer every year, but even I am frankly a bit worn out by all your false promises and then a request for another bailout. Every year, it's the same thing.

Do you remember the year you put the KII headlights on the car? Of course you do. That was the year you could have had the Roethlisberger engine. This was probably your worst decision ever.

And ever since one of those headlights was installed for a joyride on a motorcycle… Oh, it upsets me so much as the purchaser of this bandwagon. I feel that those headlights have treated me like a piece of meat.

Meanwhile, you haven't had much luck with engines for this bandwagon, have you?

Your first decision was to install the Couch 2-cylinder engine when the McNabb semi-Hemi was there for the taking.

Recently, I've actually liked the DA engine when it is well oiled. But everything's got to be perfect for that damn engine to function or else it just sputters aimlessly. As for this new shiny Quinn engine you tried out briefly before it broke… it's new and shiny, I'll give you that.

There's no way of knowing, really. Even if you have a good engine, you can't run a bandwagon without tires. Or brakes! This vehicle doesn't stop anything. Sure, you got that one efficient Rodgers great big brake pad from Detroit, which I believe is in Michigan, but other than that, what?

What I am trying to say in this formal letter of complaint is that this bandwagon has crashed into a ditch in the woods, and there is smoke everywhere. And I am worried that where there is smoke, there is fire.

My chief navigator, as you know, is an amiable guy named Romeo. He's an old school mechanic who used the weird combination of parts in this machine and then used the rubber bands and scotch tape he was given and tried to make it run. If I heard right, the same red-haired guy who sold me this bandwagon also designed it. But hey, he acquired all the parts.

So I am a bit disgruntled with this year's bandwagon. In fact, I can't believe you had the nerve to sell this piece of crap to me. However, I can't wait to see next year's model. I bet it's going to be great.

As soon as I recover from these injuries from the crash, I'll be the first in line. Mostly, my brain hurts.


Need last minute gifts? Brian Tarcy suggests a copy of The Complete Idiot's Guide To NASCAR is the perfect gift for anyone. He is also the creator of and, where Scott Boras currently offering to get you a multi-year deal.

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