SD Bolt Report: (SDBR) Why wear the hood while roaming the sideline?
Belichick: I wear the hood cuz' I'm a big fan of OB-1 Kinobi from Star Wars. I feel like a football Jedi with it on. May the force be with us.
SDBR:: Prediction for the game?
Belichick: We will absolutely pummel the Panthers in the Super Bowl; it wont be close. We're sluggers.
SDBR:: Take us inside the strategy of the game...
Belichick: We know they will try to be physical and run the ball at us, but as the saying goes: you don't slug it out with a slugger. Maybe that's not a saying, I think I just made that up. That's my line, so nobody steal it. Yeah, they're gonna try to slug it out with our defense, but we'll be ready. Me and Romeo are on our 12th night in a row without sleep. We've been sipping mocha's and devising plans on how to stop those guys. You don't slug it out with a slugger.
SD-BR: Can you be more specific?
Belichick: You don't slug it out with a slugger. You don't box a fighter and you sure as hell don't fight a boxer.
SDBR:: What has Rodney Harrison meant to your defense?
Belichick: He's a slugger. Reminds me of a young Vader.
SDBR:: Can you be more specific Bill?
Belichick: Damn it! You call me OB-1 or I walk right now.
SDBR:: Sorry, OB-1 can you elaborate on what Rodney Harrison has meant to your defense?
OB-1: He's a heck of a player for us. A slugger. I love how he tries to knock your block off. You ever see Star Wars?
SDBR:: Yeah, all of em'. Do you think the Panthers will come out throwing or running?
OB-1: Did you see the part where Luke gets his hand chopped off, that's classic.
SDBR:: Yeah, classic. And the Panthers?
OB-1: Right, the Panthers. Yeah we'll run a cover 2 with 8 men in the box playing bump-n-run nickel package blue 72 hut-hut dime package. That's my signature defense. Nobody' figured it out yet. And if they move the ball on that defense I'll switch to a 2-3-2-3-1 scheme, they'll never see it coming.
SDBR:: (scratching head) What is the 2-3-2-3-1 scheme?
OB-1: That our base slugger package. You don't slug it out with a slugger ya know.
SDBR:: Yeah I know. Will your offensive line be able to control the Panthers' fierce defensive front?
OB-1: That's not fierce. Darth Vader, Jabbah the Hut, now those guys are fierce.
SDBR:: Can Matt Light handle Mike Rucker?
OB-1: Can a slugger slug in the woods? Of course he can. Matt's a gamer, reminds me of a young Luke.
John Fox transcript:
SDBR:: What will your pregame speech entail?
Fox:: We need to accessorize for each opponent.
Fox:: Damn skippy. White shoes, one Carolina blue sock and one Wolf Pack red. None of those funky things the Europeans are trying to bring over to the states. We have to have some etiquette on the field, it is football you know.
SDBR:: Moving along…how do you plan for Bill Belichick?
Fox:: The plan is to Trek him.
SDBR:: Trek him?
Fox:: Star Trek. It is the oldest trick in the book, but since he wears that hood and cant see out his side windows like we can we are going to Trek him and Brady Bunch by bringing the heat from all sides.
SDBR:: You expect a big game out of Julius Peppers then?
Fox:: (Pondering) Pepper, that is a good idea. We can throw pepper in their eyes! Now we are accessorizing! Terrell Owens has his sharpie, we will have pepper!
SDBR:: Um, yeah…how about we talk about the importance of Stephen Davis.
Fox:: Number two has his own plans for this game with some zigs and zags that I stay out of. Give the kid a little power. Bright kid that number two. Just needs to remember he is number two and not number one like me, number one.
SDBR:: Weren't you a number two at one time?
|O'Brien = Spock?|
SDBR:: Got it. No talk about number two's or ears. Two topics I generally avoid anyway. Speaking of one, Coach Belichick thinks you are one dimensional.
Number one: Billy Bob thinks we're one dimensional, wait until the Klingons show and we will see what he has to say.
SDBR:: Is Jake Delhomme a big part of the Klingon invasion?
Number one: Have you ever seen a Star Trek episode?
Number one: I guess you will have to wait and see and ask some nerdy friends, otherwise you will miss it.
SDBR:: (mumbling) I think I missed it already.
This parody was brought to you by the small minds of Denis Savage and Will Mortensen. When your team isn't in it…you root for the commercials