The Justice Files

Happy Cinco De Mayo. 05-05-05—it only happens once a century. Despite popular perception, this is not Mexican Independence Day. That's in October. May 5th actually celebrates the infamous victory over the French due to "Montezuma's Revenge." Of course, Montezuma was the Aztec emperor who foolishly trusted Cortés and was killed by his own people. As for Thursday's Holiday, I am reminded of some words of wisdom from my dad.

"It should be a holiday any time the French take it in the (rear)."

If you find some of my references arcane, you can just imagine what gems my TiVo and iPod contain. After the draft, I was listening to my music on "shuffle," when I heard Marty Schottenheimer's voice. It turns out that it was a track from The Power And The Glory, a CD featuring the most memorable sound bytes of the late John Facenda.

Marty addressed the [Cleveland or Kansas City] locker room with: "If this doesn't light your fire, men, the pilot light's out."

I think it was those old NFL Films segments that made me dislike Schottenheimer originally. I don't care that he mixes metaphors. I guess I've just always seen his enthusiasm as a little misguided.

Anyway, everything I've read about our first four draft picks simply reinforces my belief that A.J. Smith knows what he's doing. The 3-4 revolves around speedy linebackers who can shoot the gaps. Shawne Merriman seems like that kind of player.

Our one-time backup quarterback Sean Salisbury has always struck me as a bit self-promoting during his stint on ESPN, but I agree with him that Castillo's character is a non-issue.

"If you look at the kind of person I am and look at my past, it's obvious I made an extremely big mistake for the first time in my life," said Castillo. "It's something I'll have to live with in my NFL career."

The fact that he wrote all those NFL teams admitting that he screwed up just reinforces that fact.

Actually, let me clarify. I don't think that Salisbury is a jerk. I just think he makes points because he thinks it will add to his reputation. In reality, he's just pandering. It's like that Greg Behrendt guy and his ‘He's Not Into You' book. You know, the "guide to guys" that he's always on TV hawking. This spiky-haired tool is on the tube more than "fitness celebrity" John Basedow. Dude, the fact that you think you can instill legions of women with self-esteem simply by "giving it to them straight" just reinforces the delusions you're allegedly puncturing.

Back to football.

Vincent Jackson may be a little rough around the edges, but it seems like his upside could be huge. He doesn't seem like one of Beathard's legendary projects like Oliver, Still and Rachal.

Yeah, I know that Latario showed some moves on kick returns before he got injured. But he never made me forget Johnnie Barnes or Ryan Thelwell.

In fact, with the Chargers' signing of 19 undrafted free agents, let's honor all those who never truly got to contribute to the blue and gold. Vance Johnson, Junior Soli, Brian Allred, David Poole, Basil Proctor, Jo Jo Jones, Don Sasa, José Cortéz, Dave Dickenson, Kevin Dyson—we hardly knew you.

I just found out that the night I am taking my dad to see Santana at the Garden for his birthday, Jesse "The Bitchelor" Palmer, Tiki Barber and She-li Manning will be at a "Learning Annex" seminar here in New York.

Considering the fact that I told Manning he was punking out at 1:00AM the night before the draft and that I threw my Charger beads onto Archie's lawn in New Orleans during last year's JazzFest, don't you think he'd want to answer some of my questions?

Actually, I think the home crowd will handle him just fine in Week three. Gotta go. Kiss' "Black Diamond" just came on my iPod. It could mean something.


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