On Monday morning where I live, the fall weather was beautiful. That's when I was arrested for the murder of a seven-foot-tall plastic inflatable snowman dressed in Christmas regalia.
Did you also see last Sunday night's Browns/Steelers game?
After that blowout, I was a bit tense. I didn't sleep, and frankly by Monday morning, either the snowman or a small village were going down. I saw the snowman first.
I snapped. I hate the Steelers. And, frankly, my only regret is that I can't remember my only regret. If you happen to root for the same orange-helmet team as me, or maybe even just live in a place where it really isn't Christmas season yet, you perhaps understand my frustration.
So on Monday morning, after watching Trent Dilfer play exactly like Trent Dilfer, when the only good thing in my life was the weather because even my imaginary friend was sick, I headed to the local grocery store for some milk to mix with my breakfast bowl of sleeping pills and Drano. The last thing on Earth that I wanted to see at that exact moment was a smiling inflatable snowman. And that's why I write this from Cell Block B.
It is becoming increasingly apparent that there is really no escape from this life I have chosen as a Cleveland Browns' fan. It is a life sentence, and it feels like death row. This one-way love affair of mine proves nothing short of emotional torture and when the Browns returned to the NFL in 1999, I never in my worst nightmares thought it would be this bad for this long. I am at the end of my rope. I am locked up. For gosh sakes, I murdered a snowman!
Someone please help me. Throw Braylon Edwards the ball. No, not just near him – actually throw it to him.
Hey you! Yeah you! You looking at me? You better not be looking at me!
SAINTS AT PATRIOTS – Oh when the Saints come marching in, the other team most always wins. Patriots 32, Saints 16
LIONS AT COWBOYS – Since these two teams must host the Thanksgiving Day games, they are allowed to spend the second quarter of this game eating turkey and stuffing and then in the second half the Lions go to sleep. Cowboys 32, Lions 20
DOLPHINS AT BROWNS – Romeo…this is your brain talking. Play the kid at quarterback. It's the perfect day to do it. Don't wait till the weather gets too cold. Let Charlie Frye play now, and let him throw the ball to Braylon. Ahem. I have a feeling this is the day that Browns fans have been waiting all season for. Somewhere, somehow, Charlie Frye gets in this game. Look, maybe I am wrong. It's not like I know what Romeo Crennel is thinking. Browns 26, Dolphins 21
PANTHERS AT BEARS – Football players are not dumb. There is really not better place on Earth to break another man's jaw than at a barbecue with FBI agents. Anyway, in this game these two teams are streaking so something has to give. I am going with the team with the crazy guys who fight in front of the FBI. Bears 17, Panthers 10
STEELERS AT RAVENS – While Kyle Boller is filling out a job application to stock shelves at Walmart (Tommy Maddox helps him), a Walmart smiley face falls into his pocket and somehow ends up on the field. On the first bad pass that Boller throws, his first pass, the smiley face comes flying out and hits sidelined Ray Lewis in the head. The autopsy later revealed it was his very first smile. It killed him instantly. Steelers 35, Ravens 13
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – Did you know that Chris Simms is not the same thing as Phil Simms? And while I am on the subject, is the NFL with its Simms and Mannings becoming like politics with the Bush and the Kennedy families? I don't believe in either one of these teams. Frauds, I'm telling you, all politicians are frauds. Go on, follow that logic... Falcons 20, Buccaneers 14
JAGUARS AT TITANS – Pending an appeal to be decided by Marilyn Manson and Pat Robertson, the Library of Congress has classified the Jaguars as boring. Jaguars 20, Titans 10
CARDINALS AT RAMS – Kurt Warner suffers from Bulger envy. At least that's the theory on why Brenda Warner went to the other locker room after the game. Rams 30, Cardinals 20
EAGLES AT GIANTS – The Giants are at home, needing a big game after last week's dismal game and the Eagles are in disarray with an injured quarterback and some other distraction that I can't remember because no one in the world ever talks about it. In other words, this game is like the perfect storm. Giants 40, Eagles 13
SEAHAWKS AT 49ERS – When the Seahawks get near the end zone, the 49ers actually lay out a red carpet for Shaun Alexander. "It's called the red zone," explained the 49ers defensive coordinator. Seahawks 28, 49ers 14
BILLS AT CHARGERS – Young Bills quarterback J.P. Losman said, "I've always had that chip on my shoulder. I love that anger. Call it cocky, arrogant, whatever you want to call it." If you don't succeed, it's called a lot worse. Get out your dictionary…you'll need the unabridged kind. Chargers 45, Bills 20
JETS AT BRONCOS – "For some reason, the dark cloud won't go away," said Jets coach Herman Edwards. I bet he'd charge big bucks to give your company an inspirational speech. Broncos 36, Jets 10
COLTS AT BENGALS – Sometime in the second quarter, just like some spooky scene from a Stephen King book, Carson Palmer will begin to hear that streets-of-Chicago chant, "The whole world is watching! The whole world is watching!" Colts 42, Bengals 27
CHIEFS AT TEXANS – Nobody is watching. No-bah-dee. Chiefs 39, Texans 24
I have begun work on a Constitutional amendment that would allow citizens to vote every Sunday on which NFL announcer to fire from their job. A simple vote, and we don't have to listen any more. (This is an evolved version of the amendment... my first draft unfortunately included torture.)
And since our government loves to get involved in sports – just check out last week's Committee on Cheating in Checkers – I figure it can help us get rid of (insert hated announcer's name here).
You may say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one. Write your Congressman... about something.
This column is sponsored by Americans Falsely Opposed to Facetiousism.
Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, MA. www.briantarcy.com