Top 10 Ways to Motivate the Kansas City Chiefs

If money is but a small factor in motivating someone to do their best, there must be other ways to do it. As the famous Gordon Gecko once said, "what's worth doing is worth doing for money." No truer statement has ever been spoken. But once in a while, money just isn't quite enough. That's when a little extra push is needed, so here are some ideas for stimulating more great performances out of the Chiefs next season.

10. Only pay the players if they win.

It has become harder and harder to motivate football players since money is so easy to come by in the NFL these days, what with huge contracts and multi-million dollar signing bonuses. Give them all post-dated checks that are only cashable if they win. If they lose, the check is worthless. These guys have contracts currently that pay them whether they win or lose. What they need is that possibility of missing a couple of paychecks to get them off their duffs and into the game. This would be a great way to deal with salary cap issues as well.

9. Let the team know that whoever screws up will be flipping burgers in the concession stand next week.

Just because these athletes are made to appear superhuman and larger than life, a journey back down the ladder has a way of humbling people and making them appreciate what they have. Very few of us ever have the chance to play professional ball and most would kill for the opportunity. To take this privilege for granted is to ask for a little time away from the field to get their head together and realize they had better produce or live with the smell of onions from now on. There's nothing wrong with doing an honest days work, be it sweeping floors, selling programs or what have you. However, to go from an on field superstar to an infield hot dog vendor is something I believe these men would rather not experience.

8. Just before game time, have Lamar Hunt walk very slowly and very silently through the locker room looking each player in the eye while writing down notes on a small pad.

Having to do your job with the boss breathing down your neck is bad enough. If you're not doing a good job, he can always recommend that you be fired. But to have the owner walk through and not say a word while writing down little comments about you is enough to get these players thinking, "holy mackerel, what is he writing about me?" "Is it good or bad?" "Is he going to release me on the spot?" "What reason could the owner possibly have to stroll nonchalantly through our midst, sizing us up all the while?" "Oh God, I had better get out there and play my very best today or else I could be the one parking cars at the stadium next week." When it comes to motivation, this tactic could very well prove to be a coup d'etat by anyone's standards!

7. Let it be known that every time the opposition scores, one player will be replaced with one spectator from the stands.

Go through with this routine just once and I guarantee the energy level of the remaining players would go up 1000%. Not only would the vacated position on the team be hard to fill with the likes of an untrained, unknowing and uncouth charmer simply yanked from his or her seat straight down to the turf, the other players would also have to work twice as hard to make up for the station that was lost through negligence or stupidity or whatever and could possibly go on to realize defeat and you know what that means. No paycheck. Either way, just watch and see how these guys would perform the week after that debacle. That would be the week to bet the ranch on the Chiefs.

6. Tell the players that every time they lose, Dick Vermeil will go on national TV and cry his eyes out.

Now we all know and love Dick Vermeil for what he is and what he has done for this ball club, but we also know that he tends to be a bit emotional if the right heartstrings have been touched. Knowing that defeat would mean teardrops from Dick on TV would practically force all the athletes to play their best or be looked upon by the rest of the league as the sorry lot of slackers who always make Dick cry. Their reputation for toughness and virility would be gone with the breeze, as would their self-respect. I'll bet the Chiefs would always come up big because they know that Dick means business. And when Dick means business, get your handkerchiefs ready!

5. Secretly tell each player that the team needs more revenue because Lamar Hunt is trying to corner the silver market.

Can you imagine the looks on the player's faces when they hear Lamar has suddenly decided to back up his relatives and sink his entire fortune into grabbing a controlling share of the world's silver trade? It would suddenly dawn on them that if they want their careers to remain intact and if they want to have any hope of continuing to play football past next week, the only solution is to win and win and win. Stock and real estate speculation can be a very unforgiving arena, especially when you're trying to dominate a small facet of the industry. Hey, but then again, there's a silver lining in every black cloud, right?

4. Tell them that if they win, John Madden has promised to retire from pro football completely.

Could there be anything more motivating than never having to hear or look at John Madden again? Just the memories that this town holds from the days of Lamonica and Blanda and Hubbard are enough to send a chill down your spine. But that image of Madden, unkempt and poorly clad racing up and down the sidelines screaming at personnel, referees and the sometimes unsuspecting cameraman is too much for true KC fans to endure. It always felt like there was going to be a war in the streets when the Raiders came to town, mostly because of the vileness spewed forth by Madden. And to think that this guy actually has successful lines of video games credited to him. I'm sure the kids playing these games would be shocked. No wonder he takes the bus everywhere he has to go. He's afraid some of the pilots would defer his airplane to KC for some good old-fashioned Chiefs style belly-thumping. Put that in your drumstick and smoke it, Madden!

3. Inform them that if they are not winners, Lyn Elliott is coming back to be the place-kicker for the next several years.

No! Please! Don't let this dude come back to KC! He's already been ridden out of town on a rail once. God knows what would happen to him the second time he cuts the throat of the Chiefs. Not that that would be a consideration, but just the thought of him kicking a football anywhere within 500 miles of Arrowhead would absolutely give all Chiefs players a steely resolve to not lose a game as long as the "Leg of Elliott" is dangling above their heads. Not to be confused with the "Sword of Damocles." Compared to Elliott and his game losing shenanigans, Damocles was a real sweetheart.

2. Threaten to hire Pete Rose as director of team morale if they have another losing season.

Through the decades of competition in professional sports, there have been scandals and then there have been SCANDALS. The Black Sox fiasco was notable simply for the incredible amount of chutzpah it took to try and pull it off. Then you have the shaving of the points in college basketball and the melee that ensued with that. Of course, steroids promise to bring a whole new dimension to the term scandal. But the king of all scandalists has got to be Pete Rose. Everyone knows that you are not supposed to bet on sports teams if you're an actual participant in the sport, but to bet against the very team that you are managing in hopes of them losing has to be the ever-lovin' lulu of all sporting scandals. If the players thought Pete Rose was coming out of retirement to join the Chiefs organization, a fire of giant proportions would be lit under them and they would probably win every game. And convincingly, too. I'd be willing to place a little wager as to the outcome of this scenario.

1. Make the team aware that if they lose any more games, the "I" in Chiefs will indeed be eliminated just like in the commercial.

Why try to dispel the image of the Kansas City Chefs when this great city could embrace it and learn to love it? Any item in the whole world that bears the logo of the Kansas City Chiefs would be changed to reflect the new logo of the team that will literally cook you to death, the Kansas City Chefs. On top of that, instead of the players wearing helmets, they would have to wear those silly looking little floppy hats that most chefs wear. To say the team would be a laughing stock would be putting it mildly. That would put a capital M in the word motivation. Well, look on the bright side. How many pro football players do you know who can make a soufflé come out of the oven without it falling?


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