Clayman's Corner: Likin' What I'm Seein'

Week two of my mission to find a new NFL team provided the Chiefs with an unfair advantage. King Al and Randy Moss together on the opposite side of the field? How could anyone not cheer K.C. on? Against those two, you'd be hard-pressed not to root for a kidney stone.

If you recall, last Sunday involved a memorable expedition to Hooters and a large-screen game with no sound. Tonight, it was just an easy stroll to the living room. Where one could only have wished there was no sound.

As in Sterling "I'm Likin' What I'm Seein'" Sharpe. And his willing sidekick Mike "I'm Agreein' With Anything You're Sayin'" Tirico. (I'll leave out Suzy Kolber because she's so cute.)

Now please explain how a career (almost) Bronco can make an ESPN broadcast sound like you've tuned into Black Hole Radio, the Official Den of The Raider Nation. Or, as it's apparently now known, the "Randy Moss and the Raiders" Nation.

As I was thinking that I'd sure rather drive a Hall than a Carr, it occurred to me that one wouldn't have to look at the game stats to know that the Chiefs dominated Time of Possession.

Neither does anyone who listened have to be told about the Time of Mossession (Moss Obsession). If it was up to Sharpe and Gabby Hayes, the Randy Moss and the Raiders would have thrown to R.M. on every play. Really. Every single one.

Well, to this observer, Moss is big, strong, fast and has great hands. Especially for pushing off the defender with both of them right before the ball arrives. K.C. was fortunate that at least one official had the guts to make that call.

Of course, Sharpe and friend never stopped whining, although all of the replays utterly shielded them from any ability to see the foul. Hey guys, let me clue you in on a bit of physics – when the defender (or anyone, for that matter) jumps straight up and is suddenly moving backwards, there must have been an outside force applied.

Like two big, strong hands to the midsection. Or, as in Moss' allowed TD catch, to the back.

On the other hand, taking a look at the supporters of the Randy Moss and the Raiders, one can see how an official might be distracted. There hasn't been a bigger collection of fools since the last meeting of the U.N. Oil for Food Committee.

Do these folks with the decapitation puppets, the silver faces with painted-on goatees and black sunglasses, or the many Halloween variations on human skeletons, really think it makes them scary? Or tough? Anything other than, what's the right word, oh yes, stupid?

Oh, how about the guys who look like they're wearing silver manhole covers on their heads? Well, I guess those ones are appropriate enough. Considering the sewage right beneath them.

Sound harsh? Let's put it this way. Los Angeles had to play host to these morons for several years. Now L.A. isn't exactly a city of angels, but we're not a town of clowns, either. The re-evacuation to Oakland couldn't have been more welcomed by most of our populace than the San Andreas Fault relocating to Canada.

Here's the deal. King Al thinks he's some kind of muscle-man because he's willing to steal anything which isn't bolted down (see: Irwindale) and has a cadre of lawyers to do his intimidating for him. It's a fantasy gang, a mafia of marshmallows, a cadre of 6-8 John Matuszaks who get real tough with 5-6 bar patrons.

But it's a crumbling empire, fallen into decay through the aging ego of its despot. In the game's lone shot of King Al, he looked just like Mr. Potter in "It's a Wonderful Life." And for all of us George Baileys out there, it's only justice to see His Lowness presiding in his decline over nothing more than a Cartoon Kingdom.

That didn't stop Sharpe, however. When he took a rare breath from fawning over Moss, Sterling pointed out that "the Raiders are sensitive to bad calls." Sorry, dude. These guys are a poor imitation of the team's past, when they were talented enough to get away with cheating. These days, they're just sensitive to being caught.

Sharpe went on, continually calling the Oakland baseball infield "gravel." It's actually well-groomed dirt and clay, Ster. Oh, maybe you were thinking of the Irwindale pit where King Al pick-pocketed a measly upfront, unsecured down payment of $10 million.

The best part, however, was Sharpe's continuing assertion that "I'm likin' what I'm seein'" from the Randy Moss and the Raiders. Which invariably meant that the silver and black were in trouble.

At least six times he was likin' what he was seein' from the RMATR defense as they allowed the Chiefs to mount a 19-play (counting penalties), 9-plus minute drive to use up almost the entire third quarter. He called it a "victory for the Raiders defense" when they only let K.C. run off an enormous chunk of the second half, culminating with what turned out to be the game-winning field goal.

And then, the capper. He gave credit for the RMATR defensive effort not to the defenders, not to the coaches, not to the fans, not even to King Al.

To Randy Moss.

That's right, folks. While you all were downing beers, cheering the Red to victory and tuning out the blathering of the announcers, I was listening. To the brilliant analysis – not disputed by "Whatever You Say, Sterling" Tirico – that the excitement of the crowd, the success of the defense and any open running lane or uncovered receiver was due to the presence of one guy.

But let's not forget a couple of other Sharpe gems. "(The Raiders) played very well football. Pretty well football." Very well analysis, Ster. Undoubtedly due to grammatical inspiration provided by that very well new Raider receiver.

"Special guys make special plays when the situation dictates you be special." You're starting to sound like the Saturday Night Live Church Lady, Sharpie. I'm sorry, but I don't think this is the stadium for anyone involved with a church. All right, maybe Jim Jones.

But, hey, Sterling, why don't I tell you what was really special. You know, what you missed while not taking your eyes off of the glories of R.M.

How about two running backs like Johnson and Holmes. A quarterback as solid as Trent Green, throwing to a cadre of solid receivers – not to mention one Tony Gonzalez. Running left even though good guy and great lineman Willie Roaf is back at home. Being the only team to beat the RMATRs in their home opener in 11 years, which was the last time they did it.

Not to mention playing the game like gentlemen – tough gentlemen – and not fielding a single player as obscenely fat as Warren Sapp. Going from a stadium which looks like the home of a clean, wholesome college battlefield to one which resembles nothing so much as a garbage can and not letting the surroundings keep you from bringing it.

And especially not being dependent on such an ethically, honorably and egotistically challenged duo as Randy Moss and King Al. Which may all help explain why this fan in search of a team has taken a big step in the direction of Kansas City this week.

Because they're looking more and more special all the time. And I'm likin' what I'm seein'.

This is the third in a season-long series chronicling a Los Angeles native and lifelong sports follower's mission to become a Chiefs fan. After all, he doesn't have a football team of his own, does he? Richard Clayman may be contacted at rjclayman1@yahoo.com

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