Five Ways for Denver to Get Over Monday Night Loss

As I'm writing this article, my mind is comparing and contrasting the qualities of the Chief's next opponent, the Denver Broncos. We're playing them at Mile-High stadium (it will always be Mile-High to me), on national TV, on Monday Night Football, in front of a nationwide audience.

It's a big game, no doubt. That's why the donkeys will be feeling rather blue after getting stomped soundly and decidedly by the Chiefs for everyone to see.

Throw in the factor of the Broncos being 0-2 in the AFC title hunt after this game and you have all the makings of a Lifetime Woman's Network original soap opera. They'll be left in limbo, and getting the blues is a strong possibility for our favorite bucktoothed nags. Hopefully, the following suggestions will help brighten their mood and cheer them up for the long and fruitless season that lies ahead of them.

5. Seek professional help immediately.
Only a few professionals are actually trained to handle patients with mood swings, those being psychiatrists and psychologists. They've had years of experience in helping these poor people get back in the flow of things and appreciate life once again. The Broncos will need all the help they can get. They could try a good-looking girlfriend but non-pharmacists can't legally dispense drugs like a psychiatrist can. The couch is a great place to let it all hang out so you can get to the root of your problems and attack these demons where they live. There should be plenty of time to reflect from Tuesday after the game, until Aug. 29, 2006. The Denver coaching staff may be able to give a referral, because after the draft, it was obvious that they needed their heads examined.

4. Have lots of group meetings and lots of group hugs.
Positive reinforcement is very helpful when dealing with depression. It's been proven time and again. The process of interacting with a group and baring your soul to your teammates has absolved more emotionally disturbed people than just about any other method ever used. It creates a connection and a bond, which reinforces the positive and eradicates the negative to let everyone know where they stand and exactly how they feel. For best results, it's wise not to wear full pads into the session. This could lead to violence and that's not very constructive. The inmates are usually graded on citizenship and how well they work with others.

3. Lay around the shack ‘til the mail train comes back.
In other words, take some time off and relax. Depression is sometimes brought on by stress and overwork. Of course, losing football games can really bring it on. The only two ways to relax and unwind are to travel or to sleep. Denver would do well to travel to other cities in the US and attend the games of various rival teams they would have been playing if they wouldn't have lost to the Chiefs, at home, on Monday Night Football, and dropped to 0-2 in conference and 1-2 overall. That's a sure way to fight depression.

Look at it like this: the Broncos players would be enjoying themselves in the stands, drinking and eating and carousing while their counterparts are sweating and grunting and getting their brains beat out all over the field. They could afford a top of the line private suite so no one oversaw their hedonistic actions whereupon they could retire to a private bus for a quick exit. It would be tough to be depressed after a night like that!

2. Go out and buy a brand new pair of shoes.
Music is always good medicine for the down and out and I'm reminded of an old song that tells of a solution to gloominess and despair. "Well, if you're sad and you're feelin' blue, go out and buy a brand new pair of shoes and you go down, down to Tangy Town." I don't exactly know where "Tangy Town" is, but any shrink will tell you that this is simply a metaphor to try and explain things in a bigger picture. Spending money and shopping are among the most common and frequent answers to emotional distress; especially when it's the wife of the patient who's doing the spending and shopping.

God knows that when my father became despondent or reclusive, my mother would jump up from the kitchen table, put on a dress and race straight to Montgomery Ward where her credit was always good. She only had to "accidentally" leave the charge slip for my dad to see and his self-loathing disappeared. Since she was a very unselfish person, the shopping sprees usually consisted of stuff for my siblings and myself. That was about the only time we scored like that so doing things to depress my dad became a way of life. It was a win win situation. If he was lively and up, we tried to "lower" his spirits. If not, we went somewhere else to play with the new toys my mom bought us while he was bottom feeding in his bedroom. The Broncos need to know that spending sprees equal fun and glee in the fight against depression. It's hard to be sad in a new Hummer with 29" rims!

One only has to look at another AFC team for an example--the Raiders. Now, they were horrible a couple years back, so they went on a huge off-season shopping spree. Will it help their team? Obviously not. But apparently, it made them feel better.

1. Have a paper bag handy for hyperventilating episodes.
Of all the side effects that come with deep emotional trauma, one of the worst is hyperventilation. Simply said, this condition occurs when the painful thoughts of a previously harrowing situation become too much for the body to bear and it reacts by increasing heart rate, increasing pulse rate and decreasing lung capabilities. A general feeling of edginess ensues and can leave the patient bug-eyed, stiff in the muscles, paranoid, delusional, red-skinned and "freaked-out" in general. Certain medicines counter these symptoms but are rarely on hand during the event itself.

The only other plausible resolution to the problem is breathing in and out of a small brown paper bag resembling a lunch sack while it's held over the mouth and nose thus enabling the person to catch his breath, so to speak, and bring his organs back down to earth. This really works and continues to be the cure of choice for staff doctors at The Percival Bag Co. in Peculiar, Missouri. How this was ever discovered is the true mystery to consider which further assists in distracting their minds away from their sad realities.

These are but a few of the options available to our modern day mental health specialists in response to this debilitating disease the Denver Broncos seem destined to come down with following the upcoming loss. This article will be continued after the game and will unveil the 5 best ways to manage depression if you're a professional athlete facing a season of heartache.

Denver will definitely need them.

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