So here's a little quiz. Just email me your answers and they'll appear next week in plenty of time to be used in the big comeback win against Washington.
Just number your responses, add any pertinent commentary and send them on to firstname.lastname@example.org. Remember, if you want to make next week's column, be pithy (whatever that means). Also, keep the vulgarity down, okay? I get enough of it from my kids' MTV, VH1 and Disney Channel. Not to mention the radios they always forget to turn off in their rooms.
1. What should Vermeil do to keep Trent Green sharp for an entire game?
a. Give him a cookie after each focused series.
b. Give him a kiss after each unfocused one.
c. Threaten to have him adopted by Al Davis.
2. How could Tony Gonzalez be better utilized?
a. Have him follow Javon Kearse around all game and try to block him.
b. Put him on defense to cover Terrell Owens.
c. Actually throw him the ball.
3. If even Dante Hall begins to look demoralized, what's the answer?
a. Take away his bike.
b. Give him high-heeled shoes.
c. Find a nice red towel and throw it in.
4. Is it a good idea to leave your comfortable home and travel all the way to Torrance just to watch the game with a Chief fan that has a 50-inch HD set with Surround-Sound?
a. Considering it's all of 17 minutes away, why not.
b. If he's got a Chiefs license plate frame, a Chiefs screen saver on his computer, a Chiefs jersey on his torso and his lucky Chiefs helmet on the coffee table, why not.
c. And if he speaks Japanese to his pretty wife and has two adorable little boy Chief fans of his own, yes.
5. If you're on a diet, what does having a Venti Frappuccino without the whipped cream while watching the game count for?
a. For keeping you awake while the Chiefs take a nap.
b. For keeping you cool when the Eagles get hot.
c. For about 10,000 calories. But it would be more with the whipped cream. So, what the heck.
6. Since it's now a hundred bucks more than last season to get the HD broadcasts of non-locally shown games, should you really consider yourself a Super Fan if you go for it?
a. Hey, you paid all that money for your TV, what's another c-note?
b. Yes. And you could also consider a home equity loan to finance it.
c. Pretty soon you'll be paying enough to go to each game personally instead.
7. Why is it a huge surprise to a Chief's fan when McCleon makes a play?
a. Because he's never made a play before.
b. Because he's rarely made a play before.
c. Because the last two games and all of last season have got to be someone's fault.
8. If the Rams game goes on forever so you can't get the HD broadcast of the Chiefs game for most of the first quarter, what should you do?
a. Watch the game on fuzzy analog.
b. Throw a brick through your TV.
c. Call a Rams fan and yell "Mike Martz!" a hundred times.
9. When you crank up the Surround-Sound, is it really like you're in the stadium?
a. If you have a big fan blowing greasy hot dog wrappers in your face.
b. If you can get some dummy in an Eagles jersey to come over, sit next to you and complain all game long about not being able to buy a decent cheese-steak at Arrowhead.
c. If you could get Buck and Aikman to shut up.
10. Can a true Chiefs fan care less about baseball?
a. Than what? The WNBA?
b. Well, since he or she would likely be a Royals fan.
c. No way! I love Tiger Woods!
11. How best to use Priest and L.J.?
a. As decoys.
b. As trade bait.
c. As running backs. At the same time.
12. Why do you think it seemed the officials had it in for the Chiefs in the Monday Night game vs. Denver?
a. Because Randy Moss shouldn't have been called for interference in the game against the Randy Moss and the Raiders and the officials secretly got together and decided to even the score.
b. Because they thought Dick Vermeil was making faces at them.
c. Because they can never get a decent cheese-steak at Arrowhead.
13. What has been your most effective superstitious act to help the Chiefs win?
a. Putting your Chiefs helmet on the coffee table right before the game.
b. Putting your Chiefs helmet on the coffee table before first light and then going back to sleep.
c. Not ever inviting a columnist for warpaintillustrated.com over again to watch a game. Even if he does buy you a Grande Extra Vanilla Latte.
14. Who's the Chiefs' scrappiest guy?
a. Gary Stills.
b. Dante Hall. Except after he fumbles.
c. Dick Vermeil's dentist.
15. What is it about Colquitt's punts that make them so hard to catch?
a. He secretly dunks the ball in a Grande Extra Vanilla Latte before kicking.
b. He's got one of those Harlem Globetrotters invisible rubber bands attached to the ball and yanks it back right as the return man grabs for it.
c. If you could care less about baseball, you'd know a knuckleball when you saw it.
16. If your neck is as hairy as the Eagles' Jon Runyan, what can you do to help yourself, especially on big-screen HDTV?
a. Grow your hair so long that it covers it.
b. Use some of your next paycheck and get a wax.
c. Admit that you're actually a living Australopithecus and get rich writing the first tell-all book by a real Missing Link.
17. What is it with Vermeil and challenges?
a. He only challenges plays he knows he can't win to make the officials feel better about themselves.
b. It takes away the burden of trying to figure out how many time-outs he has remaining at the end of a half.
c. He wants to prove he can be wrong and not cry.
18. As sick as you felt last Monday, how sick are you today?
a. Sick enough to not watch the Chiefs game next Sunday.
b. Sick enough to wash my whites in the same load as my Chiefs jersey and have to wear pink socks and underwear for months.
c. Sick enough to stay home from work and do nothing but drink Grande Extra Vanilla Lattes and eat cheese-steaks.
19. Is this last year all over again?
a. I don't know. I didn't follow the Chiefs last year.
b. Although I did follow the Lions.
c. And it feels kind of similar.
All right, folks. It's time for you to step up to the plate… er… take a hack… I mean… hit one over the fence… aw, you know. To show me what a true-red Chiefs fan is made of. Not to mention why.
This is the fifth in a season-long series chronicling a Los Angeles native and lifelong sports follower's mission to become a Chiefs fan. After all, he doesn't have a football team of his own, does he? Richard Clayman may be contacted at email@example.com
CLAYMAN'S CORNER: Chiefs Fans Time to Help
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