Clayman's Corner: The Chiefs' Fans Speak

As those of you with nothing better to do may recall, a whole week ago it looked like the Red World was crashing. So this column asked for your advice to help your Chiefs dig out of the hole. It says a lot about those in the Warpaint Illustrated nation that did it so assiduously and with such humor and hopefulness.

All right, I'm starting to like you guys. But let's see what happens in the next three months, okay? The Chiefs have played ten good-to-excellent quarters so far. Unfortunately, those six bad ones were doozies. Yet, if my math is correct, they've still got 48 to go – plenty of time to achieve, if not greatness, a terrific season.

And just look what a state they left those Eagles in. I'll bet the Philly boys aren't chomping at the bit to face K.C. again. Nor, I suppose, is Washington next week. Although it's a shame the Redskins won't be undefeated when the Chiefs plaster them.

Anyway, now that the Red is back practicing (we'll save the notion of a week off in the middle of the season for a future quiz), it's high time to let the views of the Chiefs faithful be known. I'll give the winning answer for each question, followed by any commentary which qualifies on the "pithiness" scale. (I'll even mention the guy who wrote of me, "I wish you weren't such an idiot and I would enjoy Scout.com a lot more!" Yeah, I guess if I weren't such an idiot I'd enjoy such notes a lot more, too. And I'd even know where to put my apostrophes. My editor made me correct them.)

Okay. Remember, 0-5 correct means you'd rather watch the WNBA Championship Game than the Super Bowl. 6-10 and you can bring all the cheese-steaks you want into Arrowhead. 11-14 gives you the right to spill beer on whomever is sitting in front of you every time Priest touches the ball (Even at home. Even on the kids). And getting all 15 means you can wear your Warpaint colors to the office Christmas party. And nothing else.

1. What should Vermeil do to keep Trent Green sharp for an entire game?
C. Threaten to have him adopted by Al Davis. (Now, now, Chiefs fans, no need to rant. The Raiders used to be scary. Then they became scary-stupid. Now they're just this odd collection of misfits led by a cadaverous King. Pity, not hatred, is the order of the day. Which, I suppose, is why it would work.)

2. How could Tony Gonzalez be better utilized?
C. Actually throw him the ball. (Although I was interested by the notion of having T.G. wear a red clown wig as he tried to block Javon Kearse, making Kearse laugh so hard he couldn't tackle anyone.)

3. If even Dante Hall begins to look demoralized, what's the answer?
B. Give him high-heeled shoes. (Not a single fan for throwing in the towel. On this question, at least.)

4. Is it a good idea to leave your comfortable home and travel all the way to Torrance just to watch the game with a Chiefs fan who has a 50-inch HD set with Surround-Sound?
Three-way tie:
A. Considering it's all of 17 minutes away, why not.
B. If he's got a Chiefs license plate frame, a Chiefs screen saver on his computer, a Chiefs jersey on his torso and his lucky Chiefs helmet on the coffee table, why not.
C. And if he speaks Japanese to his pretty wife and has two adorable little boy Chief fans of his own, yes. (You K.C. fans are quite discerning – from personal experience, I can tell you it is a very good idea.)

5. If you're on a diet, what does having a Venti Frappuccino without the whipped cream while watching the game count for?
(It appears you Chiefs fans don't know what a Venti Frappuccino is. Although a few of you had some creative thoughts concerning the whipped cream.)

6. Since it's now a hundred bucks more than last season to get the HD broadcasts of non-locally shown games, should you really consider yourself a Super Fan if you go for it?
B. Yes. And you could also consider a home equity loan to finance it. (Wow. Even with rising interest rates? You guys really love your team.)

7. Why is it a huge surprise to a Chief's fan when McCleon makes a play? (No answer quite explained it like most of you did. Not a lot of love for this young man, is there?
Although there were some grudging admissions that he might be the scapegoat du jour.)

8. If the Rams game goes on forever so you can't get the HD broadcast of the Chiefs game for most of the first quarter, what should you do?
Tie between:
B. Throw a brick through your TV; and…
C. Call a Rams fan and yell "Mike Martz!" a hundred times. (Until I received this note from Torrance: "The word ‘brick' and my TV will never be used in the same sentence again. I repeat, the word ‘brick' and my TV will never be used in the same sentence again." So I guess I meant to say the winner is C.)

9. When you crank up the Surround-Sound, is it really like you're in the stadium?
C. If you could get Buck and Aikman to shut up. (Something tells me your rabid response didn't have a thing to do with Surround-Sound, HDTV, cheese-steak or even the game itself.)

10. Can a true Chiefs fan care less about baseball?
C. No way! I love Tiger Woods! (At least according to the only two who cared enough about baseball to even pick an answer.)

11. How best to use Priest and L.J.?
A. As decoys. (Really. Although I admit the choices were limited. And it's clear that as much as L.J. is appreciated, Priest is still The Man.)

12. Why do you think it seemed the officials had it in for the Chiefs in the Monday Night game vs. Denver?
A. Because Randy Moss shouldn't have been called for interference in the game against the Randy Moss and the Raiders and the officials secretly got together and decided to even the score. (Hey, wasn't that a very young and still slightly coherent King Al right behind the grassy knoll when Kennedy was shot…?)

13. What has been your most effective superstitious act to help the Chiefs win?
C. Not ever inviting a columnist for warpaintillustrated.com over again to watch a game. Even if he does buy you a Grande Extra Vanilla Latte. (Come on, now. How about if I throw in a blueberry scone?)

14. Who's the Chiefs' scrappiest guy?
A. Gary Stills. (Although there were several votes for Dick Vermeil's dentist… and a couple of mentions of a root canal.)

15. What is it about Colquitt's punts that make them so hard to catch? Tie between:
A. He secretly dunks the ball in a Grande Extra Vanilla Latte before kicking; and…
C. If you could care less about baseball, you'd know a knuckleball when you saw it. (Sorry, but I still like B. He's got one of those Harlem Globetrotters invisible rubber bands attached to the ball and yanks it back right as the return man grabs for it.)

16. If your neck is as hairy as the Eagles' Jon Runyan, what can you do to help yourself, especially on big-screen HDTV?
C. Admit that you're actually a living Australopithecus and get rich writing the first tell-all book by a real Missing Link. (Even though it was fascinating to see some of the things it was suggested he carve into that mess.)

17. What is it with Vermeil and challenges? Tie between:
A. He only challenges plays he knows he can't win to make the officials feel better about themselves; and…
B. It takes away the burden of trying to figure out how many time-outs he has remaining at the end of a half. (I guess the crying thing's kind of worn out, huh?)

18. As sick as you felt last Monday, how sick are you today?
C. Sick enough to stay home from work and do nothing but drink Grande Extra Vanilla Lattes and eat cheese-steaks. (One guy, however, was sick enough to consider washing his whites in the same load as his Chiefs jersey and wearing pink socks and underwear. Now that's a fan.)

19. Is this last year all over again?
No one really answered this, other than to admit to being seriously depressed and hopeful at the same time. Which, I suppose, is the best description of a true fan. Unless you're a backer of the Randy Moss and the Raiders.

That definition, I think, is found somewhere in the works of Sigmund Freud.

This is the sixth in a season-long series chronicling a Los Angeles native and lifelong sports follower's mission to become a Chiefs fan. After all, he doesn't have a football team of his own, does he? Richard Clayman may be contacted at rjclayman1@yahoo.com

WarpaintIllustrated.com Top Stories