Few Words Truly Describe 2006 Raiders

The Autumn Wind is a Raider – and hoo boy does it stink!

These Raiders are awful. I remember when it first dawned on me just how bad Oakland was. It was Week 1 of the NFL season and the Raiders were hosting San Diego on Monday Night Football.

Watching the game, I had the distinct impression that former Chiefs coach Marty Schottenheimer was deriving sadistic enjoyment from beating the Raiders – except that he wasn't just beating them. Oh no. Marty had his foot on Oakland's neck and was slowly squeezing the life out of them.

San Diego's gameplan was so conservative that day that Dick Vermeil probably had to turn the game off. But Marty was enjoying it. He knew Oakland's horrid offense had no chance of mounting even so much as a single touchdown drive against his defense.

He continued to run the ball, punting when necessary. San Diego racked up 48 rushing attempts that night. Oakland's longest drive, prior to a 62-yard garbage time march, covered a meager 28 yards.

The nice thing is Oakland hasn't really improved since then. I watched them on national TV again a few weeks later against Seattle. Mike Holmgren doesn't quite have Marty's deep-seated hatred for the Raiders, but he was busting out the same gameplan.

A Seahawks team that has struggled to run the ball all year was content to grind it out against the Raiders and let their defense do the heavy lifting. Seattle ran the ball 39 times and Oakland's longest drive covered 53 yards. Oakland's defense forced the Seahawks to punt eight straight times, yet Seattle was never really in danger of losing the game.

And this was a Seattle team that hasn't even been playing great defense this year. No matter, they shut the Raiders out, 16-0.

Even Jake Plummer could not throw away a game against the Raiders. Last week he threw three interceptions (four if you count the one the refs took away), but the Raiders would not accept his gift with open arms. They stomped their feet like a petulant child and said "NO! I WILL NOT WIN THIS GAME!!!"

That's why I think the Chiefs will blow out this Raiders team tomorrow. I realize this series has been close in recent years, regardless of the records, but that was mostly because KC's defense was usually awful.

That allowed Oakland, who did have a few offensive weapons at their disposal, to keep the game close. This year, it's different. Oakland has the worst offense in the league, and Kansas City's defense is respectable. The Raiders are barely averaging a touchdown per game on the road this year. I'll be shocked if they come into Arrowhead and score more than 10 points.

So, how can we describe these Raiders? As it turns out, Oakland's ineptness defies even Webster.

The Raiders perform on another plane of existence when it comes to being a bad football team. They are that bad.

We could sit here and use simple words like bad, horrible, awful and comical. They all lack something when it comes to defining these 2006 Raiders.

If we wanted to get slightly more wordy, we could describe these Raiders as catastrophic, inept, appalling, atrocious, ham-fisted or bumbling.

But in the end, we have to create a new set of adjectives in order to define the Raiders. Normal descriptors simply don't measure up.

Perhaps we could describe Art Shell's football team as "Blackledgian," in honor of the biggest quarterback bust in Chiefs draft history. Maybe it would be apt to call them "Barteesian," a reference to Mr. Crispy himself. To steal a term from Jason Whitlock (with my apologies to Phil Kloster), "TrINTish" might be an appropriate label for these Rotten Raiders, these men of the "Silver and Lack."

But when you really think about it, if you're a Chiefs fan, there is only one way to describe these Raiders: fun to watch.

WarpaintIllustrated.com Top Stories