Do I want the Chiefs to win tonight? Yeah. Do I think they can? Maybe. There's a chance they lose, but I don't even want to consider that possibility right now, so let's just stick our heads in the sand and bring some good cheer to the players and coaches at One Arrowhead Drive.
Christmas is a time for giving. Here are my gift ideas for the select few good (and bad) boys trying to leave a lump of coal in Oakland's stocking tonight.
1. QB Trent Green - A bottle of Just for Men hair dye, dark brown.
Let's face it, Green is getting old. But he doesn't have to look it. Have you seen a shot of him on the sidelines with his helmet off recently? He could pass for a man 10 years his senior. This might also help him after football if he goes into the media.
2. DT Ryan Sims - 12-pack of Krispy Kremes, assorted.
This is just what the doctor ordered. Remember Ryan's pity party a few weeks ago? Obviously he's depressed. This will cheer him right up! It will also prepare him for his future role as one of those big "space eater" defensive tackles on another NFL team. Consider this a parting gift, Ryan.
3. HC Herm Edwards - Box of Fig Newtons
By now we've all heard the story about Herm's box of Fig Newtons. He keeps an unopened package in his office at all times. It makes him feel secure, or something. Anyway, why not get him another box? He can actually eat this package. And with Ryan Sims around, he might need to replace the old box anyway. You can't be too careful.
4. DE Jared Allen – Private limousine service for the length of your Chiefs career
We know you like to party, Jared, but that drunk-driving charge back in September has us all worried. Your private limo service will take you anywhere you want to go and you'll be free of any future DUIs. As an added bonus, you can also entertain prospective free agents that visit Kansas City.
5. RB Larry Johnson – Personal massage therapist
It's been a long season for LJ. He's taken more hits than any other Chief. He'll likely finish this season with almost 400 carries, and we don't want him to break down like Jamal Anderson, so we're going to help out with his own masseuse. Nikki is from Sweden and will be on-call 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
6. QB Brodie Croyle – A Bowflex home gym
It's time to get rid of that Don Knotts-esque physique, Brodie. You need to bulk up this offseason. You can't spend all day at the Chiefs training facility, so you can take advantage of a Bowflex at home. Get the results you want in only 20 minutes a day, three days a week! We're going to recommend 40 minutes a day, six days a week in your case. I think we'll spring for the Bowflex SelectTech free weight system, too.
7. GE Willie Roaf – A copy of Kelly Clarkson's hit single "Since you Been Gone."
GE stands for "Gumbo Eater." We miss you, Big Willie. We won't hold it against you, big guy, but Trent Green will be personally delivering this gift in a wheelchair to drive the message home. As we said before, Christmas is a time for giving, but our offensive line gave up way too many sacks this year.
8. WR Dante Hall – A pair of horse blinders
What's better than getting a nice practical gift for Christmas? We've got to get you to start running north and south on your returns. You're still dancing too much, so if we limit your peripheral vision, maybe you'll hit that hole better. If this doesn't work we might have to fit you with a shock collar and give Herm Edwards the controls.
9. CB Ty Law – "Grip-Rite" Cleats
Do you remember when you were a kid and you used to get new sneakers? No? Well, I do, and I always remember getting some cheap brand that advertised the soles of their shoes as "Grip-Rite." Clearly, Law needs an advanced footwear technology firm to develop some cleats with the same capabilities.
10. DC Gunther Cunningham – One of those "Easy" buttons from Staples
You've seen the commercials. Work is piling up for some random office employee, he's getting frustrated…and then he just hits his easy button and everything starts working. That's what Gunther needs! When you've got a head coach, three assistants and 80,000 fans yelling at you all at once, you need a simple solution. Just slap that button next time you don't know what to do on third and long. I hear the button sends a couple linebackers on a blitz sometimes.
11. OC Mike Solari – Madden 2007
This is the perfect gift. Just set up an Xbox in the coaches' booth and start a game with the Chiefs and some random opponent. On third down, when you get confused, just use the "Ask Madden" feature. We also recommend using this feature on first and second down. The only drawback to this gift is Solari might think you can field an effective offense by throwing bombs on every play.
12. RG Will Shields – A Ray Lewis doll
Since he's retiring, we'd feel terrible if we missed this opportunity to give him a gift. What better way to relive your greatest NFL moments than with a life-size doll of Ravens middle linebacker Ray Lewis? Now you can pancake him over and over, just as you did on Monday night in 2004. This will also make for a great party game when you invite Brian Waters, Jordan Black and Tony Richardson over for barbecue or something.
13. GM Carl Peterson – An Aeron Chair from Herman Miller
This is supposed to be the most comfortable office chair in the world, or close to it. Carl seems like a "leather" kind of guy, so I'm guessing he has some big cushiony-type thing in his office. I bet it gets really uncomfortable after negotiating with free agents for hours and hours. Think about it. Carl's getting really mad and now he's getting uncomfortable and his back starts hurting and he's frustrated and he just goes off! He says something horrible to John Tait! Why? Because he didn't have an Aeron chair. We get him one of these babies and we'll be signing free agents left and right. Come to think of it, Carl might want to borrow Gunther's "easy" button, too.
What's under the tree at Arrowhead?
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