In fact, there's no coal for anyone, and we didn't even try to foist off a lousy sweater this year, either. Merry Christmas to the Chiefs (but seriously, win a playoff game next year).
Jared Allen: $10 million, give or take a few.
We figure there's no way Carl is in enough of a giving mood this year to fork over $70 million to KC's newest Pro-Bowl defender. Might as well take the one-year franchise tag tender. Besides, who can honestly refuse $10 million? Do you know how many bull-horned Cadillacs that will buy, Jared?
Dwayne Bowe: A red Chiefs belt.
It's one thing to catch a short pass against the Tennessee Titans and turn it into an electrifying 23-yard gain on third-and-6, showcasing your epic talents. It's another thing entirely to have your pants fall down doing it, showcasing your epic first-round posterior. Everyone saw it in sparkling clear HD, Dwayne. There's no use denying it. Just put on a belt next time (unless you're actually into exhibitionism).
Dustin Colquitt: A wooden leg.
We figure your real leg is about to fall off after punting 85 times for 3,380 yards already this year. At times, you were so weary, you couldn't even muster the energy to finish your weekly blog here on Warpaint Illustrated. That's OK, we completely understand. They're doing some great things with prosthetics these days, so this doesn't mean the end of your NFL career. Hey, if Tom Dempsey can kick field goals with half a foot, can punting with half a leg really be that difficult?
Brodie Croyle: A new offensive coordinator.
The rumblings have carried on for over a month now – Mike Solari will probably be looking for new employment in 2008. The irony of the situation was most apparent in Detroit last week – only the Chiefs could throw two consecutive passes, complete those passes, and gain just two yards (replays indicated it was closer to a yard and a half, actually). We don't know who the Chiefs plan to hire, we just hope he actually lets you use that golden right arm of yours, Brodie. Please share this present with Herm Edwards.
Tony Gonzalez: A revolutionary, state-of-the-art, hand-crafted, space-age, butt pad.
The newest in NFL protective gear! Riddell's new "buttpad ™" is guaranteed to protect your tight end from rough impacts on the field of play. Tired of going up for overthrown passes, only to land hard on your rear end? With the buttpad, you'll wake up Monday mornings without a bruise. Recommended for any receiver playing with Damon Huard.
Napoleon Harris: Mike Singletary's brain.
We'd have gotten you a bus ticket back to Minnesota, but figured you'd get lost. In that case, we're stuck with you, so it's time to make the best of the situation. Mike Singletary has been mired in assistant coaching for five years now, despite interviewing for head coaching jobs. The guy can't even beat out Norv Turner – does that seem fair?
Since he can't get a high-paying coaching job, to supplement his income he's been selling cloned copies of his magnificent linebacker brain – it's a little-known fact Ray Lewis purchased one straight out of college. Buy one of these babies, pop it inside your noggin and KC's run defense might be respectable next year. Now if only we could get Steve Atwater to clone his noodle for Bernard Pollard...
For Larry Johnson: A 1977 Pinto.
You can drive around in this relic for a year until you start scoring touchdowns again. Score 10, and you can upgrade to a used Camaro (plenty around Kansas City). Score 20, and you get the Maybach 62 back. Sorry, but if dangling the automobile carrot in front of your nose is the only way to return you to Pro-Bowl form, then so be it. And no, you can't have a chauffer for your Pinto, either.
For Kendrell Bell, Eddie Drummond, Samie Parker and Kris Wilson:
New NFL teams.
For Ty Law, Jason Dunn, Casey Wiegmann, John Welbourn, Chris Terry, Kyle Turley and Eddie Kennison:
Fat NFL pensions.
For Herm Edwards: A loss in New York.
Herm probably wants to win this week, but this is for the best. The Chiefs desperately need the talented player a top-five draft pick will bring. Beat the Jets and that's most likely out of the question.
For Clark Hunt:
A new general manager.
For Carl Peterson: Steel-barred windows for the Arrowhead suite.
Who knows what the fans will resort to next season?
What's under the tree at Arrowhead?
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