A Walk on the Wild Side

Al Uhrich checks in with his latest whacky installment about the Colts and ColtPower fans!

A few mental musings from the past couple of weeks...

With more and more troubling headlines coming out of Coltland, here's a news item I'd like to see:

ANY news story involving a Colt player seen displaying public AFFECTION towards his spouse/girlfriend!

Ahem.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest...

The fall TV lineup is in. Some of the highlights:

Join Mike Doss as he teams up with Ted Nugent on The Outdoor Life Network! Watch "The Ohio State Kid" and "The Motor City Madman" put their rootin', tootin', shootin' skills to the test hunting big game in deepest, darkest Africa!! His accuracy sucked in Akron, but will Mike be up to the test on the Serengeti?! Tune in, kids!!

Tuesday nights are Kellen Winslow nights – join him back-to-back-to-back as he guest stars on "Fear Factor", "American Choppers", and finally, "Knievel's Wild Ride!" Mister Winslow, what exactly are you –- "a soldier", a football player, or a stuntman? Personally, I'm thinking dullard.

Join Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison on MTV, as they fulfill a lifelong dream and attend a Backstreet Boys Reunion Concert (floor seats made possible by the spectacular scalping skills of Mike Tice). Watching a beaming Peyton and gleeful Marvin singing along ("Backstreet's back – allright!") and "busting moves" proves initially funny, and then simply…disturbing.

Moving on, some thoughts and info that tickled my fancy as I perused the site:

Here was an interesting thread title, penned by the esteemed Ed Thompson, no less, that caught my eye...and reminded me that I'd just washed my car:

"Seahawks Release Two."

Nice one Eduardo, you jackass!

And you have to love it -- who's our biggest free agent signing? Why the most publicly loathed Colt -- since the non-Colt, John Elway -- Roberto "The Cat" Morris (and I, for one, thank the Lord that we did)!! Personally, I'm not buying all the talk about Gary Brackett being an improvement over Roberto. Bonus if he is, but I'm thinking Morris plays more MLB than Brackett by week 3.

And another thread of interest...

BigDL started one up regarding the "true weight" of Colt players. With Lance Armstrong's final Tour de France upcoming, I thought it appropriate to use a cycling descriptor to comment on our beloved, albeit portly left tackle, Tarik Glenn's actual weight: "Hors categorie." Explain to the masses if you would, Doe-Doe (Miss ColtPower 2004, poster extraordinaire).

Joseph "George" Jefferson is officially movin' on up to free safety. I love this move, and see him getting some playing time there even after The Ohio State Kid returns from suspension. We've got Stricknine, Jason "Frodo" David, Nick the Pick and the rooks at corner. I think JJ could turn out to be DY-NO-MITE at the free safety spot, and makes a nice change-of-pace from Doss, who excels at run "D."

And finally...

Bill5455 started a thread in the Dysfunctional Family Room entitled, "What Constitutes A Sport?"

I think a lot of things that are currently accepted as sports would be better defined as "games of skill." I'd include in this category: golf (the Scottish equivalent of Chinese water torture), darts (another thing invented by the Brits just as an excuse to get loaded!), and bowling (the American answer to both of the above).

Naturally, we Canucks couldn't be left out of the loop. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… curling.

But here's a thought -- I feel ANY of the above, with a few simple modifications, could be a legitimate sport.

For starters, take golf. You want to make it a sport? First off, carry your own clubs! What legitimate sport provides the participant with a butler, or personal valet?! "Hmmyesss, I say Jeeves, bit of a sticky wicket in that sandtrap. Fetch me my trusty wedge and a soothing beverage! Chop-chop!" And add a time factor, so after you hit the ball you've gotta run after it and hit it again! Sorta like that wacky biathlon thing, with the skiing and shooting. Sure John Daly can drive a ball 350 plus. But you're gonna need a sundial to time him running after the thing.

Darts? How about trying to hit a moving target with the thing – like your opponent! Now THAT I'd watch. ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY!!

Curling? Simple: add body contact, and the occasional broom-swinging brawl. It's Canadian, and played on ice, so that's no stretch.

As for bowling… sorry gang, I am stumped on this one. But in my books, Big Ern McCracken is a GOD.

And with that, I'm spent, and bid you Good Day.

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