It's Just a Fantasy

Al Uhrich gathered with his fantasy football cronies for the Van Nostrum FF Draft this week. Take a peak at his experience as he assembled his team for the 2005 season.

On Wednesday evening, September 7th, the 5th annual VNFL (Van Nostrum Football League) Fantasy Football Draft took place. A magical evening, as 12 men of equal mental deficiency gathered to drink to excess and exchange ignorance in the extreme as they vied to hoist Van Nostrum's Cup!

As I took my seat at the Table of Champions, I greeted my fellow immortals:

Doctor Von, aka Nelson Vondella,, CEO of the Las Vegas Caribbean Studs;

My former crime-fighting partner and Italian palomino, the very angry, very foul Aurelio "Pile" Tantalo, aka Pile Tantalombardi, aka Pile Tantagliabue; whose team name is too dirty to print on a site as dignified as ColtPower;

and defending back-to-back champion and Bollywood sensation,  Rich "Sid Vicious" Sidhu, aka "Rich Vicious", CEO: The feared Punjabi Dancers!

The rest of our adversaries, eight more men of equal moral ineptitude, were seated throughout the bar. Among them:

The cantankerous and recently retired police officer Donnie Brown, aka "The Donald", CEO: The Cleveland Donnie Browns!

My Jamaican-Canadian blood brother, Donavan "Bumba" Moss, CEO: The Kingston Clots (that's no typo)!

And a young detective on the force known for his ever-present smile and enormous ,bald head: fan favourite Mike Butt, aka  Lummox, aka "Ox" (get it – Butt-Ox!), CEO of the New York Giant Heads.

As the catcalls flew and the brownpop flowed, I felt confident that I would have a good shot at redemption in 2005. I'd won the overall points last year, but frankly, I wanted the hardware back.

My master plan didn't quite work out for me, but here's the lowdown on my picks.

First off, in our league you must protect two players from the previous years' roster. Then the draft begins, with picks going from worst overall points up to first, but playoff final four also factor in. So although I won the points, I would end up picking 10th out of 12, as I lost to the hated Lucky Charms (CEO Wee Brian James) in the semi-finals.

Here it is, for your perusal, my 2005 VNWO (Van Nostrum World Order) roster:

First, my 2 protected players –

1.EDGERRIN!! Always adding to the fun of rooting for your team is having a player representin' on your FF squad! BOO-YAH!

2. Lamont "Sanford and Son" Jordan! A small gamble here, as I also had Curtis Martin last year, but opted for Jordan because the Jets and Colts share the same bye week.

And now for the picks:

I was hoping I'd get Tony Gonzalez with my 1st pick (10th out of 12, 34th overall), since we must play a TE, and I figured the gang would be all over the RBs like a bum on a hot bowl of soup, but he was taken 2 picks before me….


I couldn't believe that Deuce McAllister was still available, but stop the presses - so was Marvin Harrison!! Do I make the cold, calculated maneuver that would give me a dominating stable of running backs and a stranglehold on VNFL glory?

Of course not – I said Harrison was still available! This IS a Colts site, people. Duh!!


Next the Charms and Dancers made their selections, times two (snake draft), and I was up again and gambled a bit and took the next best thing at TE:

4. Antonio "Enemy At The" Gates!

I then had to wait for an eon for my next pick -- although I was starting to think about Jake Plummer (my targeted QB for 5th – 7th round) and my main sleeper, I was pretty surprised this guy was still there, and thought that no one would be taking Jake too soon, so I gambled --

5. Andre "Big" Johnson!

Next up, and finally, I sprung my greasy, Cliftonesque trap, sleeper pick style! This could make or break the season:

6. Mike "Mister" Anderson, aka NEO!! People still don't believe he'll be the starter past week two. Time will tell my friends!

Unfortunately I lost out on my master plan, as Plummer was taken in the wait after Johnson (by a guy who already had Vick! Sonofa!!!!!). Not too many QBs of value were left, but the "The Old Man And the Cheese" was still there, so I grabbed him --

7. Brett Favre!

8. On the short turnaround, sleeper number two: Stephen Davis!

In case Favre gets killed:

9. Jake Delhomme! I have my fingers crossed for Favre, but Green Bay's new guards pass block with about as much force as a couple of large piles of shaving cream (anyone remember those ads?) which could see Brett getting nicked up to say the least.

Top Dawg in the Dogpound:

10.Antonio "Bear" Bryant! Bye week buffoon for when Marvelous Marv and Big Johnson are resting up.

11.Charles "Mister" Rogers! See above, and bust out the slippers and goofy sweater!

12. My TE Gatekeeper is suspended week one, so I snagged a great ex-Colt, and a guy who could have a nice year working the middle of the field in  ROCK CITY: Marcus "Aurelius" Pollard!

13.Homer pick number two: My beloved, albeit injury-riddled, Colts D.

14.Like defenses, kickers were flying off the board in the last two rounds also, but as usual there were still good ones available: Jeff Wilkins.

Next up, for all you geriatric wrestling fans:

15. The American Dream: Dominic "Dusty" Rhodes!

Continuing now to grab GOOD RB backups:

16. Anthony Thomas. If Julius Jones goes down, he is the man to have, and I'll be takin' the A-Train to TitleTown!!

17. Ronald "I reek of" Curry. After last night, I think a wasted pick. Such is life, my friends!

18.WR Kevin Curtis, STL. He is being touted by some as "this year's Brandon Stokley", no less!  Personally, I'm hoping that this year's Brandon Stokley is…Brandon Stokley!

19.Paul Edinger, kicker for Minnesota.

20. Chris Perry, very good #2 back for Cincinnati. Have any of you seen this guy play? He is dynamite.

So whaddya think, folks? Feel free to scoff and name-call, It fuels my fire!

And enjoy the game Sunday night – I know I will. It's been a long time coming. And win, lose or draw – I'll appreciate it regardless, so long as they live up to the words my mum emphasized all those years ago:

"Just try your best and have FUN!"

You think Dungy ever used that as his pep talk?

Good day to you.

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