The Evil Fisher-King Awaits

For five months we had him reeled in. But he wore us down, and now he's back in all his glory. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back the one, the only....Tony Clifton...as he makes his triumphant return to ColtPower!

The Browns have been flushed. A much more familiar and unpleasant foe looms large. They linger, like roadkill stench on a July interstate. They are the abominable Titan horde.

Good day to you all!

The war of attrition that is the NFL regular season marches on. It waits for no man; but I must make final comment on Game 3 for my own personal closure.

And because I am a huge geek.

After the Browns game, a significant number of Colt fan-atics seemed to be preoccupied with some surprisingly negative vibrations.

As I stated in my, "Theatre of the Absurd" post in the Champagne Room section of ColtPower, I could understand how some folks are concerned with the lack of offensive punch shown thus far, because, as I stated in the opening post, we have been SPOILED by offensive insanity in recent history. I do think being overly concerned about the O in general is a tad silly just yet.

However, I myself have a couple of minor offensive bones to pick. First, as the vivacious John C mentioned, I wonder about the play to date of Dallas Clark, and hope he and Peyton soon start developing that magical chemistry that Marcus Aurelius and Manning shared before Pollard's Motor City Migration.

Continuing, I have a mild beef with the stubborn choice to stick with that confounded short yardage set! It hasn't worked since its unholy conception!! Gadzooks man, I love them all, but James "Candygram For"Mungro is no Lorenzo Neal, and the offensive line is not the second coming of "The Electric Company"!

Although it seems improved, the power running attack is just not the Colts' bag yet, so why try to force it? Thomas Moore, I beseech you: spread that D out like organic peanut butter on whole wheat, then let Edge slash thru them like a finely honed Ginsu!!

And finally, although they started the short game early against the Browns, they strayed from it until crunch time. The Colts offense must accept that the defenses are not honoring the run or play-action. They must stick to the dink and dunk for as long as necessary when teams are taking this stance. I am, however, confident that they will learn offensive patience.

Just a little patience. Everybody – dance like Axl Rose! Now!!!

What struck me as "absurd" after that game was the number of people dumping on the play of the secondary thus far. If we are that peeved at their play to date, what shall we do when they surrender their first TD pass of any significance? Or perhaps the first 100 yard receiver, or 300 yard passer?

Perhaps a good stoning...no wait….a FLOGGING! Yessss, that's it…yessuvvcourrrsssse…

HOW do you dump on the play of the secondary to date? I must have missed all these big pass plays they've apparently surrendered. Perhaps my view of the boob tube was obscured at those moments as my cavernous yap was unhinging to inhale whole pizzas and other delicious gameday foodstuffs! Have the Colts' 3 opponents thus far completed a few long (actually mid-range I'd think) passes? Yes. Yessuvvcourssse.

Quick reminder: This IZZZZ the NFL, people. Hmmyesssss…. But big plays?!

Big plays are: Brunell to Moss...TOUCHDOWN!!! Twice!!!! Ask Cowboy super-safety Roy Williams about big pass plays. Big plays are Leftwich to Jimmy Smith for the gamewinner in OT. The list goes on ad infinitum. Watch ANY highlight package - I think EVERY team has given up big pass plays. Except the Colts! Sorry, I don't count "Dilfer to Bryant over the middle for 20 yards," followed eventually by a punt, as a big play.

WILL someone burn the Colts for a long TD eventually? Uvvcourssse! Could it come this Sunday? Certaine-ment! But no one's done it yet, thanks in large part to the Colts' corners. And until it happens, I for one refuse to criticize them.

So please continue to dump on the defensive backs! It provides me with huge guffaws and quality material!! I shall defend them with much gusto and moronic verve!!! A thousand thank-yous, my friends!!

But now, it is time to close ranks. Put aside our petty bickerings. For this coming evil, we must face as one.

He is a shapeshifter.

Part Elvis impersonator, part Trailer Park Love-God.

His moustache screams to the world, "I will make love to any woman alive!" His freshly-trimmed mullet, a war- banner for his trailer-hordes to follow in mindless adoration.

He is The Evil Fisher-King, now teamed with Norm "Not From Cheers" Chow!! And just whom is this mysterious traveller, Chow? He walks the AFC South, like Kane from KUNG-FU.

His attacks have dispatched of all collegiate adversaries. He is the Jet Li of offensive coordinators. Should we tremble before him, People of the Shoe?!

Ahem. No.

Seriously - Norm Chow - isn't that a dog food for medium sized breeds? A Purina product, if I'm not mistaken. I scoff at you NC, and all things Tennessean!!!

Norm Chow, welcome to the NFL. THIS… is Dwight Freeney. Gameplan THAT, tuffguy!

Seriously, I enjoy loathing the Titans. Jeff Fisher is an amazing coach, and he no doubt rides in a souped-up Camaro (or secretly yearns to). Chow obviously has great credentials. All the more fun to despise them! They are our nemesis!!

Fisher is "The Gorn Commander" to Dungy's "James T. Kirk." I suppose Fisher is WAAY more like Kirk than Dungy, but who cares! I'm on a ranting roll!!

Dungy is Spock. Only with less emotion.

Tom Moore? Bones McCoy. Crusty and cantankerous to the max!

Chow? "Mister Sulu, set a course for the RCA Dome. Ahead warp factor one!"

Albert Haynesworth? The Yeoman Janice Rand.

Suddenly, in a scene reminiscent of "Videodrome", a cyber-hand suddenly reaches out and forcefully slaps yours truly across the face!!!

Thank you, Lord Thompson. I beg forgiveness.

As much as I have enjoyed the season to date, I await this coming Sunday like a fat kid on final approach to Burger King. It's Tennessee, gang! It's The Bionic Sternum, Fat Albert, and Keith "Jim J" Bulluck!

"Warrior, come out and play-yay!" (Name THAT cheesy flick, kids!).

It's cyber-freaks StarKiller and Faceless! It's some new guy with a name that belongs less on a football star, and more on an eccentric millionaire castaway on some deserted isle! Kyle VandenBosch?!! (PS – RIP, Gilligan).

It's all that and a bag o' chips my friends, and it's all on Sunday for our viewing pleasure!! LETSGETNUTS and LETSGOCOLTS!!!!!

Ahem… [Clifton applies a chubby, greasy palm to his dishevelled comb-over and collects himself]….Good day to you.


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