Bring on the Cloven-Hoofed Toads of St. Louis

While we wait for then next Colts game on Monday Night, Tony Clifton provides his unique take on this past week's Colts and NFL events.

Hello my friends, and huzzah for us!!

With our beloved Colts sitting alone atop the entire NFL at a dazzling 5 and 0, let us savour some of the moments from our most recent triumph, and take a gander at the wacky goings-on around the rest of the NFL.

As expected, the Colts went into Monster Park and, packing silver bullets, wooden stakes and garlic, had little trouble disposing of the Niners, even if the offense was a tad sloppy.

No doubt, Alex Smith will suffer from post-traumatic stress, perhaps awakening in the middle of the night in the next few weeks, jammies soaked with perspiration, and wail aloud to his parents that, "Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis are in my closet!!"

Indeed, there was a monster in Candlestick, and it was the Colts defense

 On a team whose logo is a lucky charm, how appropriate that Cato June's hands proved to be so magically delicious!! The man looked like a stocky wideout as he jumped those routes and snagged the pigskin with great derring-do! The Chappelle Show Dance, like the show itself, was a personal favourite my friends!!!!  Just be thankful that Cato didn't re-enact the Chappelle, "R. Kelly home video" spoof. There would have been a variety of charges.  Skeet-skeet-skeet!!  


The magnificent coiffe
of Edward Thompson
How nonsensical was the speed of the spin-move displayed by Robert "Johnny" Mathis?! 

A question for my CP brethren:

If our cyber-overlord, Edward Thompson, could pull off a spin move at a similar speed….would his hair move?

 

A note to marketing/advertising geeks in the Indiana area: WHY hasn't somebody yet done an ad with Freeney and Mathis in a Tasmanian Devil cartoon bit? It must be done!

Was everybody else impressed at the play of Big D, Dallas Clark, in all facets of the game? Was anybody else petrified when he took a solid SMACK to the skull, and appeared a little "goofy" on his way back to the huddle?!

I hope that 49er defensive back was appreciative of the free piggy-back ride Edgerrin was kind enough to provide. Was that some sort of Colts promo that I wasn't aware of? I could almost hear the man's squeals of delight as Edgerrin galloped for beaucoup yards after the catch!

As Colts writer extraordinaire Jesse "The Body" Huffman pointed out, Edge looked  to be on a mission in a game that could easily have fallen into the "trap" category; a bad team, after Tennessee, before Monday night -- what a perfect formula to underachieve. But Edgerrin was going gangbusters for the most part. And yes, the fumble was a mental boo-boo on first down, but again, as everyone's already stated (except, oddly, Wild Bill Polian and Friar Dungy), that was a touchdown.

PLEASE NOTE – the fumble came out of the cursed, "no yardage set". Later, the Colts went to 3-wide down low, and Edgerrin punched that one in with no problem.

How wacky was Dick Enberg's historic call of the Peyton Manning to Troy Walters touchdown pass! D'OH!! Funny stuff.

Just as well – hopefully the record-breaking Manning to Harrison touchdown toss is done in front of the hometown fans this coming Monday. Here's hoping a Colt ends up on Madden's horse trailer. Marvin, perhaps?

And meanwhile, around the rest of the NFL, a number of situations provided quality entertainment for all fans. First…..


JURASSIC JOCK

What an impressive return to the gridiron by  "The Throwin' Genoan", Vincenzo Testaverde, in leading the Jets past Greasy John Gruden and his Dungy-Spawn.

The only quality hit doled out in the game by TBay? Ronde Barber's impressive, karatay-style hammerfist to the schnozz of a referee! The blow sparked a maelstrom of commentary in the media; I personally saw only one thing wrong with it -- Larry Nemmers wasn't the recipient.

The Bucs are still playing much better this season, in no small part due to the free agent acquisition of DT Chris Hovan. I remember pining for him this offseason; a talented tackle who everyone described as a perfect fit for the Colts' system. The later acquisition of The Simonizer, of course, more than made up for missing out on Hovan. He may fit the system, but Cory Simon fills it. Literally.

The Ravens continued their disappointing season with a loss to the Browns, who are showing everybody that they are a quality team.

Personally, I think Indianapolis' win over Baltimore in the opener really hurt the team, both physically (Kyle Boller) and mentally. It'll be interesting to see how long Ray Lewis can maintain any zip in his "Dance Of The Idiot Gardener Savant" if the losses keep piling up. Ducking and diving, dekeing and dodging, plucking sprigs of grass and examining them in midair…..I think people are going to realize that, "…boy, that looks ridiculous!", if the team continues to stink.


INTERESTING…..

The NFL Network did a touchy, feely bit on Brian Billick and his relationship with assistant coach Jim Fassel, regarding their friendship. A nice, feel-good piece, perhaps a tad overdone (it left me with the feeling that they could be best described as heterosexual life-partners!). But check this out: JUST SUPPOSE Billick, "the offensive guru", gets canned as a result of the team's poor performance. And suppose the ownership replaces him with….assistant coach Jim Fassel? Can you say…awkward?


SHOCKER…

Bill Romanowski admitted to using steroids. Later, Bob Lamey confessed to eating fried foods.

Does anyone else think Lamey is the best radio broadcaster out there?


WHAT WOULD KIRK DOUGLAS THINK?

LOVE, exciting and new….come aboard, Minny's expecting you……

Ahh, yes, the Vikings Love Boat and the alleged sex scandal.

Nude people everywhere! Crew and staff petrified!! Fred Smoot's good (???) name sullied!!

Head Coach Mike Tice, aka "Captain Stubing", stated that he'd be running a tighter ship from now on, more along the lines of Captain Bligh. Or Tom Coughlin.

But seriously, do you think this is any different than the stuff that REALLY went on aboard The Minnow, for pete's sake?

And ponder the allegations:

A group of men…on boats…on the open sea…engaged in frightful acts of debauchery….

Isn't this what Vikings are SUPPOSED to do?!

The good folks dwelling around Lake Minnetonka should be thankful that their lodgings weren't pillaged and burned to the ground!!

Run for your lives, it's Daunte The Red and Smoot Erickson!!!!!!

If Mike Tice manages to right this ship and keep his job, I'll be amazed. At least, if he does get canned, he'll have his lucrative, ticket-scalping business to fall back on.


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