Bust Out The Spittoons!

Tony Clifton returns with some whacky commentary and satire regarding this weekend's playoff game!


Bust out the spittoons, kids – that wacky horker Bill Cowher and his Steeler sty-mates are heading back to town for another go at our Indianapolis Colts!

I actually like Bill Cowher, spittle salvoes aside, as well as a number of Pittsburgh players such as Jerome Bettis and Hines Ward. But I despise some of the antics of their defense, to wit:

  • the Joey Porter pregame ritual (basically, this can be described as, "acting like an idiot")

  • the propensity of the Steelers' defensive secondary to exercise their jaws more than a pack of feral fat kids at a pie-eating competition!!

  • Because of these actions, I must now include the Steelers as one of the teams I have grown to loathe, and with Jack DelPorno and his foul Polecats eliminated, and Bill Belch's band of buffoons jetting off to Colorado, they will have to suffice!

    A quick sidenote - I wonder if the folks in Denver will blast Aretha Franklin's classic at kickoff, just for poor Thomas "Rodney" Brady?

    But back to the task at hand – Pittsburgh!

    Will the Steelers perceive us as "soft" this time? I doubt it.

    Will ANGRY MARV smack the lips off someone? I hope so!

    And will Bob Sanders continue his secret mission for NASA, as he renews his attempts to turn Willie Parker into a latterday, Yuri Gagarin?!

    (*Another trivia question for the CP masses! First to ID Mr. Gagarin will receive a spectacular prize package from Ed Thompson!!!!! Or not).

    And what of Ben Roethelsumthing versus the Indy passrush? I read some time ago that the Pittsburgh QB had a sandwich named after him at some area restaurant. I sincerely hope that Misters Freeney and Mathis will be actually sandwiching him for much of the game.

    These questions, and many others, will be answered next Sunday, starting at 1 pm. And not a moment too soon for this Colts fan, who was beginning to suffer some serious withdrawals.

    Did anyone else find the wildcard games……unbelievably boring? To answer the question posed by Maximus, "No, I was not entertained."

    The Steelers and Pats both looked very good in their victories. But both victories came against half-teams: the Jaguar offense was terrible, and the Bengal defense really disappointed.

    The only competitive tilt of the weekend was the Skins at the Bucs, and the Redskins offense set a record for having the crappiest winning performance of all time.

    I was impressed to no end by Edgerrin's bud Clinton Portis, however, who, although missing a lot of time with an undisclosed injury (possibly a neck stinger), ran hard with a capital R when he was in there, and blocked up a storm as well.

    And it was great to see the much praised Redskins D being led by former Colt Marcus Washington. Just starting to grasp and shine in our scheme when free agency reared its ugly head, it was tough to see him go. But it's nice to see him having a blast and tearing it up in DC.

    I was also impressed with Chris Simms. His stats may not show it, but I thought he was outstanding. Despite the complete lack of a running game, he kept the Bucs in it. His picks both came off passes tipped at the line of scrimmage, and his receiver dropped what would have been the game-tying touchdown late in the 4th quarter. Watch him sling it next year.

    What does Chris Simms have to do with the Colts? Well, nothing. But I liked Phil Simms too, and his dad DOES seem to give us some pretty good print, so what the hey!

    ELECTRICAL SURGE FORECAST FOR AFC SOUTH!!

    On another sidenote - after his amazing performance, University of Texas quarterback Vince Young just announced he's entering the 2006 Draft.

    So Colts fans can expect to see two of the most electrifying talents to come out of the college ranks in sometime taking the field against Indianapolis in the near future. The Texans are vowing to make Reggie Bush the number one pick, and look for Vince Young to get snapped up by Tennessee at number three. Apparently Steve McNair is pretty close with the Longhorn pivot, and the Bionic Sternum won't be around for much longer.

    SO… here we go. It's the final countdown to the most important game, perhaps, in Indianapolis Colts history to date. This team was expected to go far, all the way by most. Now, many aren't so sure.

    The Steelers are coming in red-hot.

    How will the Colts deal with the layoff?

    Will Diem and Simon be able to play, and play effectively?

    And certainly not least of all, how will the team be able to focus after the tragic death of James Dungy?

    It's so obvious, by their words and more so their actions, that most of the players look at Coach Dungy like another father as much as a coach. With a relationship that close, will they be able to concentrate on the task at hand?

    I, for one, think they will. BECAUSE of Coach Dungy.

    Win or lose, I think we are going to see an awesome performance come Sunday.

    So crank up the loudspeakers, and don your face-shields! Let's Go Colts!


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