You remember Bill Parcells, don't you? The Dallas coach who runs all aspects of the football operations? Who declares "Jerry Jones doesn't make the personnel decisions, I do''? Who famously says that because he has to cook the groceries, he demands to also "shop for the groceries''?
This week at Valley Ranch, the Cowboys decided to part ways with Jacob Rogers, who just two weeks ago was designated by the coach as the answer at right tackle. We don't know if there is any truth to the rumor, started by our friend Venger, that they attempted to swap the allegedly, er, "soft'' Rogers for a box of panty liners to be named later; but we know that Parcells' heralded second-round pick from 2004 is no more.
But wait! Good news! Rogers' WASN'T Parcells' pick!
In his answer to a question about whether he's disappointed that one of "his" draft gems had devolved into a lump of coal, InfalliBill made it quite clear that the questioner was mistaken.
"First of all,'' the coach instructed, "it's not 'my' draft choice. We took these players as an organization. ...''
Oh. Thank goodness. For a moment there, we thought he was no longer InfalliBill. For a moment there, we thought InfailliBill had a blemish. How could someone who is "all-powerful'' suddenly be "not responsible''? Well, luckily for Bill's image as a genius, it turns out he never liked Rogers in the first place. And so the buck stops. ... aw, I dunno. Down the hall somewhere.
Thus we continue to march through a time in sports when the rally cry is "I'm smarter than you!'' unless that assertion is proven wrong, in which case we yell, "I'm not responsible for having to be smarter than you.''
In addition to noting that Rogers' was "the organization's pick'' and not his, the coach unloaded on the doofussy media complicated phrases and words like "inexact science" and "qualifiers" and "economics" and "integrating" and "vitat" and the classic, "It's just God's plan in this game."
God's plan? To be unable to convince a player to refrain from season-ending surgery so he can remain as a starter at right tackle, and to respond by releasing him, even though his injury status will allow him to collect his entire paycheck while planning to forge a career with another team? God has time for all that?
The words were so weighty that following the press conference, Cowboys equipment manager Mike McCord loaded 'em all aboard a forklift and hauled 'em off.
One thing Parcells said did ring true: "It's an inexact science.''
Boy, is it -- and all we have to do is leaf back into The Sporting News for an August 2004 preview of Bill's personnel thoughts. As written by a certain Cowboys beat writer who some might say comes off as sharing Bill's superiority complex (oh, is this beat writer gonna get some emails from you in a moment!):
"The team likes RCB Pete Hunter's work ethic and athletic ability, but there is uncertainty over how he'll fare because he never has been a full-time starter. .... Coach Bill Parcells likes RT Jacob Rogers' strength, technique and demeanor. Rogers is a tough player whom Parcells is rotating with Torrin Tucker and Javiar Collins to see if he's good enough to start. ... Parcells thinks LT Flozell Adams can be one of the top three linemen in football. ... (by) Jean-Jacques Taylor.''
Between The Sporting News and info that JJT received from the coach, Parcells "likes'' Hunter, thinks Flozell is an elite player and. ... geez, do we have to type this again: "Parcells likes RT Jacob Rogers' strength, technique and demeanor. Rogers is a tough player. ...''
An "inexact science,'' indeed.
We're not hatin' on Bill Parcells here; he remains, potentially, one of the best things to ever happen to this organization.
(And honest to God, we're not picking on poor defenseless JJT, either; we sear it's just a coincidence that JJT happened to be The Sporting News scribe in question.)
Rather, we're trying to serve a purpose, to be a part of a system of checks-and-balances, if you will, that keep the fans above being something more than baa'ing sheep and braying asses who believe everything shoveled into their troughs by the powerful coach and the mainstream media.
In 2004, coach Parcells' Cowboys ended up with two second-round picks. InfalliBill is credited with engineering his way to nailing running back Julius Jones with one of them. ... and is now saying that it's somebody else's fault that he whiffed on the other one. Hey, they were selected just nine picks apart; what, Bill made the JuJo pick and went out for Chinese food, thereby missing the Rogers pick?
Sorry, coach. But we'll have to demote you. You're not InfalliBill. Today you're just plain ol' Bill.
Mike Fisher is the editor of www.DallasBasketball.com and hosts a daily sports-talk show, "Fish For Lunch,'' noon-to-3 on 990 Texas Talk Radio (990am in North Texas, and www.990texastalkradio.com on the web.) Contact him at Fish@DallasBasketball.com.
Infallibill: Rogers' Release
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