It Never Hurts To Laugh

Two of the greatest gifts known to man are self-deprecation and levity.

Not only are they great, they're scarcely-used in today's society and it begs the question, "Why?" They're viewed as trivial, throw-away items. To most, yes, but try offering them up as missed opportunities, especially when things are going good.

Cowboys' fans how are things in your world? Are things good? How could they get any better? Your beloved team is 9-1 and literally getting every favorable bounce known to mankind. Your quarterback is playing on another planet, and Camp Cupcake is but a mere speck in the rearview mirror. Yet, the naysayers and perfectionists still run rampant. Quite possibly they're the same assemblage of people who find fault in President Bush's, post 9-11, Washington National Cathedral speech. Before you counter, go back and listen. How soon we all forget. Be thankful, very thankful, for what you have in this world.

Using levity and self-deprecation as the back drop, would you rather be followers of the high-flying, net less, traipse act known as the Pokes from Big D or the pristine, sterile, surgical unit known as the faceless Ultranationalists? What fun is there in perfection? The world is the furthest thing from perfect, and the Belichickians will soon find this out. We'll ride with the Charlie in the Box and the Island of Misfit toys. With perspective in focus, let's take a look into the Cowboys' big top act.

Gloves. Check that, oven mitts. Heavy-duty, reinforced oven mitts. This is the suggested sideline apparel for Coach Phillips. You've had 10 games to see your against-all-odds quarterback in action. He's lethal and borderline crazy. If you're going to extend your hand in celebration while extolling congratulations, expect it to get smacked from Dallas to Orange, Texas. Number nine is not normal, so why would you expect his low five to be anywhere near gentle? Coach, stick to the patented, double fist pump following all touchdowns. It's safer.

Speaking of playing it safe, when was the last time you've seen a NFL signal-caller fair catch a snap? Not to be outdone by the likes of Matt McBriar, Andre Gurode has added "hang time" to his craft at center. Interesting twist, but when is it going to cost the Cowboys? Have you ever witnessed more favorable bounces in your life? And not just bounces, but one-hop come backers! "Want to play a little ball, Scarecrow?" Come on now, you play with fire; you're going to get burned.

For all intents and purposes, take that third degree scorch somewhere during the regular season. Don't wait for the first round of the playoffs to mishandle a snap. That show has played this town before, and it wasn't pretty. If the cat truly has nine lives, the Cowboys are quickly exhausting their supply.

While we're exhausting matters, might as well throw patience on the scrap heap. The patience factor surrounding Roy Williams is quickly diminishing. Roy remains a quality NFL strong safety, but there is a significant "sorry ness" factor to his game. No one wants internal strife or confrontation, especially when good fortune is currently abundant, but someone has to call Roy out during film study or game rewinds. That someone has to carry authority, so the likes of Todd Bowles, Brian Stewart or Oven Mitts are nominated. How long is Roy going to be allowed to openly display non-verbals which clearly spell dissatisfaction and promote unaccountability? Roy, the act is not only tiresome; it's the ultimate sign of disrespect to fellow teammates. Your defensive Brothers deserve better. Much better. Grow up and own up to the shortcomings.

From the absurd to ludicrous, how can you not stop to laugh at the defensive coordinators in the NFC East? The Eagles, Giants and Redskins need to pass out the plastic cups and ask for deposits. It's not like this is Terrell Owens' first year in the division. The Cowboys just came through a three-game divisional stretch, and the methodology used to defend T.O. was either criminal or comical; take your pick.

Every week opponents are confronted with decisions on how to stop game breakers. The contest changers are usually isolated for shut-down purposes. Evidently, the NFC East defensive brain trusts have tabbed Jason Witten (not a bad choice by any means) as the "you won't break us" guy. Maybe it's a new trend or way of thinking, but wouldn't you take your chances with the methodical chess piece navigating the board instead of serving up "center cut" to the clean-up hitter? Just asking.

While throwing around baseball analogies, is there a better home run hitter than Tony Romo? When has he actually missed on the long ball? Every week, to include Jason Campbell on Sunday, there's an abundance of "just misses." Maybe you've heard it's a game of inches, and it's always a play here or there that decides a ton of contests, so it makes the Romo feats even more remarkable. Without having done any research or attempting to dive into the numbers, one would logically assume the longer the attempt the less likelihood of a completion, right? Percentages would bear this out, wouldn't they?

War references and comparisons do nothing but get writers in trouble, and rightfully so. You absolutely cannot equate a scenario where young women and men are giving their lives for our freedoms to a game. Thus, draw your own analogies as it relates to distance and accuracy, but you want Tony Romo on your side. He rarely misses the target, especially on the deep ball. Keep your eyes on the guy as the cameras often catch him taking the Tiger Woods' "green walk" immediately after releasing the ball. The great ones seem to know. They feel it. Granted, Tony Romo has a few more TD passes to throw before Woods' putts and Jordan jumpers are in comparative view. Until then, let it fly as good things seem to happen when Romo rears back for a downfield heave.

If the Cowboys can contain one Leon Washington (huge concern) and bottle up Brother Thomas on Turkey Day, head out with the post-Thanksgiving shopping crowd and purchase yourself some ear plugs. Yes, ear plugs. Nothing fancy, just your garden variety foam plugs used to drown out any would-be snorer on a camping trip. Tear into the plastic wrapper and immediately place them in your ears.


The week-long lead up to the Favre vs. Romo showdown will be ad nauseam. The comparisons. The idol worship. The over-the-top usage of the words gun slinger. The game won't come quickly enough. The promos and lead-ins may rival the two-week Super Bowl gap. It should have you screaming, "Enough already!" It's quite possible an icon here at The Ranch Report may destroy a TV or two before the 11/29 showdown. He's a huge fan of the Mississippi Miracle. It's all those years of Vikings vs. Packers which have soured him so. Just take his lead and tune it all out.

You all are highly-encouraged to continue monitoring the 2007 NFL season with Cheshire cat giddiness. Your beloved Cowboys are good. Very good. They're also lucky. Very lucky. You need both to win. Enjoy, with a laugh or two, what's going on right before your very eyes. It's fun. Stop the "we don't match up" with the Patriots comparisons. Worthless chatter. It doesn't matter. There's a long road to haul before that might even present itself as an issue. Go buy a jersey and big foam finger.

Kick it back a few notches and watch your wide-eyed QB and nutty professor offensive coordinator game plan December. The Cowboys are currently positioned very nicely, so don't try to make it something it's not. It's a ride. Let it play out. There's no reason to mash down the brakes with "what if" and "we're not" innuendo. Oh yeah, if you can't get out on Friday, due to turkey-induced lethargy, just rip a portion of your foam finger and shove it in your ears before Lord Favre embarks on Texas Stadium.

Pass the cheese.

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