That and a skillion other random musings on a Super Monday. …
CHEATING POINT 1: If Belichick's Patriots really are in the habit of sneakily filming opponents' practices, that provides them a HUGE and UNETHICAL and ILLEGAL competitive advantage.
Should they therefore have to forfeit their Super Bowl titles? I'm not sure. Ask the 1919 Chicago White Sox. Ask the SMU football program. Ask the 2006 South Oak Cliff (TX) High School basketball team.
I do take delight in the fact that the New England Patriots won't have to worry about forfeiting THIS Super Bowl title.
CHEATING POINT 2: Senator Arlen Specter (Eagles fan) is overdoing it. But NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is under-doing it. The NFL is a brilliant machine when it comes to burying negative stories (or haven't you noticed that baseball has been left holding the steroid bag?) but this one might be hard to ignore. How many times can the government politely knock on your door before they finally battering-ram it down?
CHEATING POINT 3: Would New England have won all those games and all those Super Bowls WITHOUT cheating? Yes, say some in defense of the Patriots' greatness. But I go the other way: I say they probably would have indeed been a champion without cheating. … and that that is the indictment of their arrogance, their stupidity, their guilt.
BILL BELICHICK IS A TURD: He might also be a genius. But there was 1 second left on the clock. And he didn't want to have to deal with it. So he trotted on the field for the goodbye handshake anyway. And then he trotted off to the locker room while the game was still going on. His actions made him look like an egomaniacal, control-freaky sore loser who doesn't bother playing by the rules. And a turd.
SPEAKING OF FECES HUMOR: Patriots safety Rodney Harrison told FOX that his childhood nickname was "Doody'' … "because I used to have really bad gas.'' Too much information, guys.
ANOTHER DALLAS DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR?: Reports are suggesting that the Cowboys might be talking to Redskins' D-coordinator Gregg Williams about a job. Really? Wade Phillips, Dom Capers, Dave Campo, Todd Grantham and Brian Stewart have all run their own kitchens. How many chefs do we need?
TO CATCH A PREDATOR: Not even avid football fans knew that the Patriots punter is Chris Hanson. Now the whole world knows. … and will be telling the same jokes at the Monday morning watercooler.
HAT TRICK: Why do all the Patriots – especially the linebackers – wear stupid hats? I'm about ready for Adalius Thomas to pull out a turbin.
GETCHA T-SHIRTS!: I think 18-1 has a lovely ring to it, don't you?
THE ANNOINTING OIL: He goes 72 yards in two minutes again The Greatest Team Ever. Annointing oil? MVP Eli Manning deserves to bathe in it. At least until next year.
DICKENSIAN NAME: He's almost a goat because he can't be pushed off the field in time. … and his name is "Chase Blackburn''? Who writes this stuff?
WHAT DID PLAXICO SAY?: He had it at 23-17, Giants. What a doofus. It was 17-14, Giants.
Seriously, remember Tom Brady's reaction when told of Plax' prediction? "We're only going to score 17 points?'' Brady said, trying to be cocky-funny.
No, Tommy. You're only going to score 14.
THE MANNING BOYS: Brother Peyton Manning wins the Super Bowl one year. Brother Eli Manning wins it the next year. Kudos to my man Richie Whitt for suggesting that the Texas Rangers are trying to sign brother Cooper Manning so they can win it next year.
WHAT DID BERMAN SAY: Among ESPN's carnival barker Chris Berman's inane pregame predictions: "Junior Seau, perhaps on special teams, to score a touchdown if the situation dictates itself.''
THE HORIZONTAL BOP: Tom Jackson reported that not counting the sacks of Tom Brady, the Giants' pass-rushers "knocked him off his feet 18 times.'' Considering the poor game that "the greatest quarterback of all-time'' endured, maybe he shouldn't have spent so much time in the horizontal position alongside Gisele, eh? Point being, shouldn't Brady – who spent his off-days escorting his supermodel squeeze around The Big Apple and delivering flowers to her – now come under the same scrutiny as Tony Romance?
DID SEAN SALISBURY EVER PLAY?: Brady wore a protective boot on his ankle in the week leading up to the Super Bowl. Was it a factor? Not according to Salisbury, the former NFL backup QB now an ESPN commentator, who actually claimed that the boot was a sort of decoy hoax created by the Patriots to distract the opponent. Brilliant, Sean.
HAVE ANOTHER DRINK, SHOCKEY: If I heard right, immediately after New York tight end Kevin Boss – playing because Jeremy Shockey was hurt -- caught a big pass, Aikman and Buck said something about how much it must hurt Shockey to be unable to play. And with impeccably bad/good timing, the FOX cameras located Shockey. In a lux suite. Having another drink. Feeling no pain, maybe.
SHAQ ON HORSEBACK: Maybe it didn't work for non-sports fans, or non-basketball fans, but the Vitamin Water featuring Shaq as a jockey was No. 1.
I'M RACIALLY SENSITIVE, SO. …: The commercial featuring panda bears talking and acting like clichéd Asians kinda bothered me. Until I was informed that the same company had earlier run a related spot featuring clichéd members of other ethnicities. And then it really bothered me.
I'M ALSO SENSITIVE ABOUT BREASTS: It wasn't quite as big a deal as Janet Jackson's nipple, but the TV ad that showed a guy attaching jumper cables to his areolas was a little rough for me. I was waiting for the whips, handcuffs and feather teasers to come out.
And then came the ad with the woman's left melon leaping right out of her sweater. Turned out to be her heart, but still. … it was ALMOST a melon.
POOR, POOR EMMITT: At a couple of points over the weekend, ESPN anchor Stuart Scott inexplicably blathered, "Mama say knock you out!'' And at least once, poor demented Emmitt Smith answered even more inexplicably, "Yeah, L Cool JJ.''
CARLOS MENCIA IS NOT FUNNY: Who told Bud Light otherwise?
BUT WILL FERRELL IS: Will Ferrell as an ABA basketball star shilling beer. "Bud Light ... suck one!''
BILL BELICHICK IS NOT A GENIUS: Second half. Tight game. The Patriots facing fourth-and-13 from the 31-yard line. That's a 49-yard field goal. And Belicheat goes for it on fourth-and-13? The pass fails, of course, and the turd gets what he deserves.
KEYSHAWN JOHNSON SHOULD DATE WOODY ALLEN: Why is he wearing a scarf? What is this, the Annie Hall look?
CRIPES, HERE COME THE '72 DOLPHINS: Brace yourself for another four decades of insufferable chest-puffing.
JUSTIN TUCK, MVP: They always give it to the QB. But Giants pass-rusher Justin Tuck was a monster, with two sacks, six tackles and a forced fumble.
TOM PETTY AND THE WHOS?: Am I too old to remember that this is supposed to be a "legend'' playing at halftime? Or am I too young to know that they're "legends''? Funny note of fake hype: Petty takes the stage and hundreds of teeny-boppers/stunt kids storm the field to cheer for him. Two hundred 17-year old girls, screaming for a skeletal old freak who they cannot possibly identify. That's showbiz!
GO TO THE VIDEO: Interesting, isn't it, how Brady didn't look cool, how the NE defense didn't look anticipatory, how the Pats didn't look dominant. … almost like they were without the advantage of illegally obtained video tape of the opponent, eh?
Super Notes - And A Super Regret
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