What's Gonna Happen?

Just in case you don't have time to indulge in Week 17 action, we've got the rundown on what's going to happen. This way, you can skip the TV because you already know the outcome or you can amaze your friends with your insight into the final week of the season.

I started out on burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff; Everybody said they'd stand behind me when the game got rough; But the joke was on me there was nobody there to even call my bluff; I'm going back to New York City, I do believe I've had enough
- Bob Dylan

I received coal for Christmas and I didn't know what to do with it so I asked another Browns fan who told me that it is best used to start a fire to cook your broken heart.

Yes, I predicted that the Cleveland Browns would win this year's Super Bowl. I stood behind them all the way. I predicted the Cleveland Browns would win every game this football season. I even optimistically predicted the Cleveland Browns would win last week, on Christmas Eve.

Then, through a quirk of DNA, I traveled from the East Coast to Pittsburgh for Christmas and it was while I was there that my Cleveland Browns lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers by the score of 41-0! The exclamation point is part of the official score. Who doesn't love the holidays?

All artists through history have said the same thing about this year's Cleveland Browns in one way or another. Eminem recently put it rather succinctly: "I am whatever you say I am."


Shakespeare wrote: "To be or not to be?" Seriously, why bother with such effort. That's a punch in the gut full of lots of truth. I am a Cleveland Browns fan living in New England and I have long believed that football hell is being among the Belichick worshippers. But now I know better. In hell, the store clerks wear Roethlisberger jerseys.

In the Orwellian world of the NFL at the end of the season, losing is winning – witness this week - except when it is losing 41-0! to the Steelers on Christmas Eve. Bob Dylan wrote: "Don't send me no more letters no, not unless you mail them from Desolation Row."

My football team stinks. They don't even try. Optimism is stupid. On the other hand, I am stupid too. So that's good.


BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – Most teams that get knocked out of the playoffs would just fold it up for the last week of the season but the Chargers seem to try the hardest when it means the least. Chargers 30, Broncos 20

GIANTS AT RAIDERS – For sale: 60,000 satanic silver-and-black outfits and one smelly jumpsuit. Yes, the rest of Oakland thanks God for the off-season. Giants 39, Raiders 17

BENGALS AT CHIEFS – The Chiefs can make the playoffs by beating the Bengals but then they are relying on the Lions to beat the Steelers. Relying on the Lions…That's the punch line. Bengals 38, Chiefs 30

CARDINALS AT COLTS – This is a great philosophical question for the college students – who wins between a team that stinks and a team that doesn't try? The answer, in this case, is the team that doesn't try. Colts 35, Cardinals 10

SEAWHAWKS AT PACKERS – Wouldn't it be cool if Brett Favre played linebacker and stopped Shaun Alexander at the goal line while Mike Holmgren watched? Yes, I have delusions of irrelevant grandeur. Seahawks 33, Packers 22

RAVENS AT BROWNSRay Lewis is in downtown Cleveland admiring the statue of Charlie Frye – "The Savior" – when the statue falls on him because, well, the foundation isn't very strong. In the game, Antonio Bryant drops four passes and brags three times. At the end, the Browns win when Kyle Boller, just as he is throwing a pass, trips on a leftover Steelers' fan from last week's game. Browns 20, Ravens 17

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Jim Mora is the star of this week's nature show, "When NFL coaches melt down." Panthers 19, Falcons 14

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – It would take an Act of God for the Saints to beat the Buccaneers this week. Oh yeah, the Saints already tried that. Buccaneers 40, Saints 20

LIONS AT STEELERS – Not even God could help the Lions this week. Steelers 41, Lions 3

BILLS AT JETS – Buffalo has bought into the mirage that is Kelly Holcomb while the Jets have New Yorkers wanting Bush. Too bad. Jets 21, Bills 14

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – The Dolphins begin the week by deciding, unlike the Jets, to stop the linebacker from scoring two touchdowns. Of course, that's why they forget about Deion Branch and Troy Brown. Patriots 28, Dolphins 14

TEXANS AT 49ERS – I wish they would be obvious. Both teams not trying at all, not blocking, fumbling, not tackling on purpose. Instead, it will just look that way but they will be trying. That's how you get in this position. The game goes to overtime. 49ers 3, Texans 0

TITANS AT JAGUARS – Nobody seems to know who is quarterbacking either team. But I think that the quarterback of the Jaguars, Joe Isgonnawin, has a way better chance than the quarterback of the Titans, Sam Isgonnalose. Jaguars 30, Titans 10

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – Joe Gibbs is going to the playoffs if he wins this game and if he does he is then going to try to explain to Redskins fans what the hell he was doing in NASCAR. Redskins 34, Eagles 17

BEARS AT VIKINGS – The Bears want to keep Rex Grossman healthy. So why are they playing him? Vikings 35, Bears 24

RAMS AT COWBOYS – Four different scenarios exist for the Cowboys to earn a playoff spot and all of them involve donuts. But just outside of Dallas, the donut truck is held up by Michael Irvin, who is really hungry and then Jimmy Johnson pulls his fishing boat up alongside Michael's truck and asks, "How ‘bout them Cowboys." Bill Parcells goes back to New York City. Rams 28, Cowboys 27


Every city has its sports nightmare.

When I was a kid, the Cleveland Indians always stunk and so I was forced to pick a baseball team to root for in every World Series.

Now I do it in the Super Bowl.


This column is sponsored by New Year's Revolutions.

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