Like that would ever happen, right?
So anyway, I heard the Giants general manager being interviewed on the radio last week. And wouldn't you know it; he was asked about Plaxico Burress, his reserve wide receiver.
Oh, those pesky media people! Always drumming up trouble!
Reese said he would keep all of his thoughts and comments in house.
That's fine with me. That's exactly where I am – in house, on the sofa, free to fire away, no fear of being benched or saying something my boss might not appreciate.
I will keep all of my comments about this current affair in house, where it naturally belongs.
Let me begin in the kitchen: Plaxico, you are taking the fizz out of my Diet Pepsi, the fluff out of my cheese puffs, the guaca out of my mole. And I don't appreciate it.
You are wearing the fans out in classic Ocho Cinco, T.O., Kellen Winslow, Randy Moss (pre-Patriots) style.
History lesson: The Giants have been around since the 1920s, survived the 1970s, dealt with Ray Handley, Willie Beamon and the disappointment of Super Bowl XXXV.
They will be around long after you've retired and VH-1 signs you to star in your own reality series: "Just The Facts About Plax."
Jeff Feagles should have never sold you No. 17. Maybe then you would have signed with the Vikings. You are testing our patience, causing unnecessary stress for the league's best team. We resent it.
This just in: The local library has fined Plaxico Burress $5 for returning "Green Eggs and Ham" four days late.
"Sam I am, oh, Sam I am, I don't believe in green eggs or returning library books before I'm good and ready," Burress said.
I don't believe your teammates who say that they are cool with you. They are not cool with you. They can't possibly be cool with you. They know selfish when they see it. They just can't admit it because Chris Mortensen, Jay Glazer, John Clayton and Peter King would be on them come Monday like Guldens on a foot-long.
ESPN is reporting the United States post office has fined Plaxico Burress 42 cents for trying to mail a letter without a stamp.
"I mailed it. I caught the winning pass in the Super Bowl. What do I need a stamp for?" Burress said. "Now, Michael Jennings ... he needs stamps."
Giants fans root for the jersey, Plax. You are an expendable commodity. Here today, gone tomorrow; yesterday's news. We're just as anxious to cheer for Steve Smith, Mario Manningham, David Tyree, Sinorice Moss and Domenik Hixon. We know what class looks like: It wears No. 81. We don't believe what Mike Francesa says, that the Giants couldn't have won the Super Bowl without you.
The Pathmark food chain announced today that it has banned Plaxico Burress from its stores for repeatedly attempting to redeem Pepperidge Farms bread coupons for Arnold's Country Wheat.
"Bread is bread, man," Burress said. "Pass the roast beef and leave me alone."
What you are doing is disrespectful to Coach Coughlin and his staff, who have worked hard to earn the trust and confidence of your teammates. Your dismissive tone, casual shrug of the shoulders, apparent disinterest in rules and regulations run counter to the fundamentals that built a world champion last season. Get over yourself. We already have.
Fox News is reporting that Plaxico Burress tried to sneak into a drive-in movie in the trunk of a friend's car – with his own popcorn, no less!
"Paying for a movie? Nah? It's like game film. That's what the NFL Network is for," Burress said.
I have really come to like Coach Coughlin. I respect his love for the game and trust his instincts when it comes to handling situations. But if it was me in the headphones on the sidelines in Pittsburgh, your butt would have been on the bench for four quarters. No reprieve. If we had lost because of it, so be it. At this point of the season, making a point about conformity and dedication to team would have been more useful to me than making you sit for one measly quarter.
Inside Edition is apparently telling sources it has video of Plaxico Burress crossing Fifth Avenue without first waiting for the walk signal to flash!
"I wouldn't want to miss practice, would I?" Burress said.
If you ask me, this is beginning to look a little like the Manny Ramirez situation. I believe you and DrewRo [that's what I call Drew Rosenhaus, your agent] are plotting an exit strategy. I believe your intent is to make such a pain of yourself that the Giants will have no choice but to release you, trade you or at least suspend you. I'd vote for option No. 2. I want you in Cincinnati where you can play catch with Ryan Fitzpatrick instead of Eli Manning.
The Greater New Jersey Senior Citizens Center has filed a complaint with local authorities claiming a slender male, about 232 pounds, presumed to be about 31 years old, wearing an alternate home jersey, cut to the front of the line ahead of many elderly ladies and gentlemen who had been waiting since 9 a.m. for their flu shots.
"The media's always complaining about me missing treatments," Burress said. "Now they are complaining about this? All I ask is that you all be consistent, which is what I'm all about."
Hey Plax: Get Over Yourself, We Already Have
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