Column: Important Information About Opening Day

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Important Information About Week One of the Upcoming NFL Season

Landon Smith  -

Although I am not able to attend Training Camp, I do have my own way of finding out how the Lions will look this year. Throughout my years of being a fan, I have found arguably the most effective way to predict the play-by-play of any given game or entire season.

That's right, NFL Gameday for the Sony Playstation is not only a fun waste of time, money, and human life, but is also made "for the pros by the pros." Therefore, we the fans have access to every movement each specific player would make throughout the course of a game. Ladies and gentlemen, this is foolproof.

I have just used my copy of NFL Gameday 2001 to see what WILL take place during the Lions game against the Packers on November 9th. I have some good news as well as some disheartening news, and several extremely bizarre and unusual surprises.

Just to let you know, I did do a little roster tweaking.

Here is the quarter by quarter breakdown.

1st Quarter:

The quarters for this game will strangely be just five minutes long. The Lions will win the coin toss! However, because I pushed the wrong button they will elect to kick off. Luther Ellis will boot one out of the back of the endzone, after which Brett Favre will line up under center at the twenty yard line. On the first play from scrimmage, John Jett and Charlie Batch will team up to sack Favre, injuring him for two to three weeks!!!! The Packers end up punting after a three and out drive.

Warren Sapp, who we will have picked up via the free agent market, will return the punt to the Packer 48 after stiff arming and mowing over several defenseless Packers.

Now, I know there are many questions about our starting offensive line unit and who they will be. Let me clear up these questions now. At center is Jason Hanson, who will play a good few quarters but then show signs of fatigue. Next to him will be Terry Fair at right guard, who is extremely quick for a lineman and will fit the WCO very well. At right tackle will be Charlie Batch, who is playing right tackle on both the offensive and defensive units. I'm disappointed in his work ethic as he will begin moving much slower by the end of the game. At left guard we will see Stephen Boyd who holds his ground very well. Next to him at tackle will be Bryant Westbrook who will look lost and unnatural the entire game.

Meanwhile, for the Lions' first offensive play from center, Robert Porcher will take the snap from Hanson and hand off to the half back, Aaron Gibson for a sweep to the right side which will go for about 2 yards. On second and eight, Porcher will drop back and throw a long ball to wide receiver Tracy Scroggins for a 46 yard touchdown.

The two point conversion will be successful as Porcher hits tight end James Jones in the corner of the back of the endzone.

Next, a strange thing will happen. Luther Ellis will have every intention of kicking the ball deep. However, the moving scroll bar at the bottom of the screen will be moving too fast, and he will accidentally kick it onside instead. This mistake turns out to be a good thing, as Allen Aldridge picks up the loose ball.

With 58 seconds left in the quarter, Porcher will take the snap and hand off to full back Ron Rice who will run for thirty yards and the first down. Hanson will then wait until one second is left in the quarter to snap the ball, after which Porcher will accidentally laterally pitch the ball back to nobody, but luckily wide receiver Pamela Anderson will alertly pick up the loose ball.

1st quarter score: Lions 8 Packers 0

2nd quarter:

More of the same will take place. Highlights include a McDougal interception, Morton will get 2 sacks, a Herman Moore fumble recovery, and touchdowns by Robert Porcher and Wide Receiver Allen Aldridge. Also, Warren Sapp will return a punt 88 yards for a touchdown while eating 45 seconds off the clock. He will then drop to a knee in prayer.

2nd quarter score: Lions 31 Packers 0

3rd quarter:

After about a two second half time, Warren Sapp will return the kick up to the Packer 10 yard line, but will turn the ball over with a fumble. Upon viewing the replay, I don't understand exactly why he fumbles unless he secretly hates the Lions. There was no Packer player in the vicinity, and yet Sapp makes a loud screaming noise, and falls back, hitting the ground hard and dropping the ball. I have watched the play in slow motion from many angles and have even stopped the motion at crucial parts of the play and have come up with no explanations.

Later, Porcher will be sacked and injured and will be replaced by backup quarterback "Det. Rookie 13 Det." I did not know this player existed, and have seen no scouting reports on him, but I do see potential out of this 362 pound quarterback.

In the quarter, the Packers will score a field goal which will be cancelled out by a Luther Ellis field goal. Also, the Lions will score on a fake field goal from the Packer 15 yard line (We'll really fool them). Pamela Anderson will also score a touchdown following an interception from free safety Chris Claiborne.

3rd quarter score: Lions 48 Packers 3

4th quarter:

This quarter will be an all out riot. Immediately the Lions will discover a weakness in the Packer defense and will run "Fake Punt 1" the entire time and score a touchdown with it every single time.

On Defense, the Lions will run "Goal line zone" on every play for a Packer loss.

Final score:

Lions 102 Packers 3

There you have it. I think it's a good start to the season. Another strange detail, the game will be rescheduled to be played at three o'clock in the morning.

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