Column: Educated Predictions

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Landon Smith -

Now that the Lions are off to a shaky start under a new regime, it is important for Lions fans to keep in mind that only 1/8 of the games have been played. I think now is an appropriate time to look ahead at the remainder of the season. The following is my predictions and analysis of the season beginning with next week.

Week 3/ BYE week: We won't lose. I predict that the skill position players will have their best fantasy numbers yet this year. If you have one of them on your team, this is the week to start them. Ty Detmer's quarterback rating will probably raise a few points. Don't be surprised to see Millen cut a player or two for not performing on Sunday.

Week 4/ vs. St. Louis on Monday Night: Barry Sanders will be mentioned about fifty times during the television broadcast. During the warm-up's for this game, Charlie Batch will blow his nose on the sideline straining his left nostrile. However, based on the poor first half performance by Detmer, Batch will be called upon to play and will gain the respect of his team for being so dang tough. A fan will make a television appearance on ABC with his carefully painted body while waiving an inflatable banana in the air (OK. It'll be me). Based on the scientifically proven fact that during prime time on a night that the Lions should get embarrased they actually look like an NFL team, I predict a Lions' win. Even more scientific than that however is the little known fact that they are undefeated when that fan that will have the banana is in attendance and does not go to the bathroom during the game.

Week 5/ at Minnesota: Before predicting this game, it is important to note that the Vikings are off to just as slow a start as the Lions. One thing's for sure: The Lions and Vikings have NEVER tied a game while playing in a domed stadium. Therefore, I predict that one team or the other will win. I believe based on my studies and knowledge that the winner will depend on one aspect: who's kicker out-performs the other. Both offenses have looked weaker than a porcipine in a washing machine, and the defenses just might allow the critter to escape. Thank God for kickers without whom the field would have a permanent indention the shape of a football from where it would sit on the 20 yard line the entire game.

Week 6/ vs. Tennessee: This game will not be finished. Marty Mornhinweg will hear a fan call for the beer man, and will therefore cancel the game while driving a go-cart used for injured players out of the stadium in a fit of rage. He'll run over Charlie Batch, injuring him for a week.

Week 7/ vs. Cincinnati: We will see a great quarterback battle. When you have John Kitna, Scott Mitchell, Akili Smith, Ty Detmer, and an injured Charlie Batch all on the same field, you're in for a treat. Based on the happenings during this game, fans brave enough to watch, hear about, or God forbid attend the game will go into a coma for the next 3 weeks.

*****period of recovery*****

Week 11/ vs. Green Bay on Turkey Day: GREEN BAY AGAIN!!!!!! Fans go back into coma.


Week 15/ at Pittsburgh: Bettis will call tails. Hey!!! He called tails!!! Here we'll have another big-time quarterback matchup between Ty Detmer and Kordell Stewart. Batch will not play as he'll be recovering from the broken wrist he'll suffer when he goes to hand the clipboard to Mornhinweg and accidentley slams his hand on a set of pads. I'm predicting a Lions win, simply because watching Bill Cowher after a Steelers loss is the funniest thing I've ever seen. EVERYONE, STAND CLEAR OF THE OUTSTRETCHED CHIN!!!!!!

Week 16/ vs. Chicago: I predict two things here: This game will not be widely televised, and being that it is toward the end of the year against Chicago it will be a game factoring in the Lions' playoff hopes. The Lions win because they know they just can't handle having to learn a new offensive scheme next year. They make it close however, and I drop a hernia.

Week 17/ vs. Dallas: While running out of the tunnel, I predict David Sloan will stub his toe on the back of Charlie Batch's heel, leaving them both injured in time for the playoffs. The option game causes Emmit Smith to run for negative 1000 yards and he will be once again behind Sanders on the all time rushing list. We can dream. Prior to the game, Jerry Jones and Matt Millen will have a contest cutting players from their roster. The starting quarterback for the Cowboys will end up being a friend of mine, Wade Wilsher, while the Lions will go with Aaron Gibson. Jerry Jones will pace the field constantly, and Wade will not be able to pass the opportunity to hit him in the back of the head with a ball. He will then go into a coma.

When the season is over, whether the Lions go to the post-season or not, Millen will answer every question with "attitude", and Mornhinweg will proclaim that each of the seasons mistakes are the "fixable" kind.

One thing's for sure: This will be an interesting season. Especially when the inflated banana shows up on your television screen.

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