WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN (Home of America's Bye Week)
I don't want to work, I want to bang on the drum all day
- Todd Rundgren
I am the voice inside your head and yes I am talking to you, but could you please quit looking in the mirror when you ask if I am talking to you. It creeps me out.
So anyway, your boss called me in your imagination and told me that according to the schedule this is a bye week. This means that you must practice, but you need not work.
You should stay home, drink beer and grill dead animals while relaxing in front of the TV watching a show about your job. Tell your boss that you are doing film study. Say I said it was okay. Use my name. Yes, say that that Lee Kabooby told you.
That's right, the voice you hear belongs to Lee Kabooby. Explains a lot, eh?
TEXANS AT BENGALS - This is the long-awaited day of the passing-of-the-potty ceremony. It's like a passing of the torch, if the torch was a potty. Bengals 34, Texans 6
CHARGERS AT PATRIOTS - LaDanian Tomlinson runs from San Diego to Foxboro, leaping every tall building he comes across in a single bound. So imagine his surprise when he arrives to discover that the job of Superman has already been taken by a guy who doesn't care how many metaphors of protection he has lost. Oh, and for those who want to know what happens after the commercial ends…the chick pays the check. He's Tom Brady! And yes, she's his 12th in a row - don't you think? Patriots 28, Chargers 26
BYE AT BEARS - So that's why they invented Chicago Blues.
BILLS AT SAINTS AT SAN ANTONIO - With games in Mexico City and San Antonio this week, the NFL is doing a quick test of the new idea of all home teams playing home games away from home. The next Buffalo Bills' home game is in Santiago, Chile. Saints 26, Bills 20
RAMS AT GIANTS - The Giants are still chasing LaDanian Tomlinson. Rams 34, Giants 14
LIONS AT BUCCANEERS - The warranty for Cadillac Williams might expire but at least he is a new model. Have you seen the guys who drive the old ones? I don't think they could beat the Lions. Otherwise, anyone can. Buccaneers 29, Lions 10
BYE AT BROWNS - While fans revel in the glory of a 1-2 start, Romeo Crennel lights five rooms in his house with Super Bowl rings and wonders how such proud football fans could have ended up so demoralized as to be happy right now.
COLTS AT TITANS - Peyton Manning is due to throw five touchdowns soon. And the Colts' defense really is due to give up four touchdowns. Colts 35, Titans 28
SEAHAWKS AT REDSKINS - Joe Gibbs in his garbage truck covered with decals for septic pumping chases down Mike Holmgren in the parking lot because he wants one of those goofy NASCAR sunglasses-wearing fights. But when Holmgren pulls over his pizza delivery truck, eating a doughnut and fondling a pocketful of sugar, he is in no mood for a fight. He suggests Chinese. Redskins 12, Seahawks 10
JETS AT RAVENS - Ray Lewis sacks three Jets' quarterbacks in a row, ending their careers with a smirk. Herman Edwards is quick to point out that this is good news. And it is, as Joe Willie Namath is brought out of retirement to lead the Jets to victory. In the middle of the fourth quarter, Ray Lewis quits breathing forever because Herman Edwards bets him that he can't stop and tough guy Ray takes the challenge. Ravens 25, Jets 10
BYE AT DOLPHINS - Misguided optimism is always better than well-placed pessimism.
EAGLES AT CHIEFS - Donovan McNabb has a hernia and so do I. We both play in pain. I'm operating at less than 100 percent of my athletic ability around the keyboard. Obviously. Ouch! Chiefs 36, Eagles 20
VIKINGS AT FALCONS - Last week, Aaron Brooks of the New Orleans Saints struggled against the Minnesota Vikings. Aren't Brooks and Michael Vick cousins? And are you anything like your cousins? Falcons 30, Vikings 10
COWBOYS AT RAIDERS - Jerry Jones is so upset he has told people he will not be Elvira this year at Halloween. Raiders 32, Cowboys 17
BYE AT STEELERS - The city has a toothbrush shortage because the one in stock sold to an out-of-town visitor.
49ERS AT CARDINALS AT MEXICO CITY - This game requires tequila vendors, thus the venue. Cardinals 23, 49ers 19
PACKERS AT PANTHERS - I would bet at this stage of his career, Packers fans and even Brett Favre's own family are sick of hearing how great of a career he had. Take it away, John Madden. Still, I am a sucker and it's Monday night. That Brett Favre sure had a great career, huh? Packers 31, Panthers 20
This is a football column. Therefore I am obsessed with baseball.
I grew up in Cleveland and so a Cleveland Indians' championship is my Holy Grail. Now I live in New England by choice because it is the best place that I know of but last year the Boston Red Sox won baseball's championship.
Isn't that special?
The Boston Red Sox are my second favorite baseball team. They have been since Bernie Carbo pinch-hit in the eighth inning of game 6 of the 1975 World Series. Look it up. Back then, for decades in fact, my favorite team, the Cleveland Indians, stunk. Look it up. So every World Series, I had to pick a team to root for. Obviously.
Now I live in Massachusetts, and the baseball race this year is the tightest ever with the Red Sox and Indians fighting for a spot in the playoffs.
Everybody hates the New York Yankees.
This column is sponsored by a Cleveland Indians' World Championship.
Brian Tarcy is a book developer. www.briantarcy.com
You think you can pick the games better than Brian? Think he doesn't like your team? Think you would like to donate to his tequila fund? Talk back to Brian here, on his home turf.