WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
(Home of Easy Ignorance)
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds
himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous
resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the
Kurt Vonnegut – CAT'S CRADLE
I am a motivational speaker because I know how to say words.
And I am often asked to give motivational speeches in schools because of my message: Don't study; buy lottery tickets. Knowledge is for idiots, money makes you smart.
My message is in demand by corporations, governments, and NFL teams desperate to dream without doing any work or possessing any talent. It is a message that America wants to hear.
And football fans, especially fans of losing teams with desperate futures, yearn for my message of hope. Truly, sometimes ignorance is bliss. Well, that plus money.
You want proof? Here: the Washington Redskins and Tampa Bay Buccaneers are undefeated. It is impossible to explain either without showing me a winning lottery ticket. And yet for one of them, it may actually continue. It's funny how that works sometimes. If you don't know that you're no good, you just might become good. That's right, I can say words.
PATRIOTS AT FALCONS – This game is between Tom Brady and Michael Vick and none of the other players on either team are allowed to play. Just watch the pre-game shows this week and you'll see. Patriots 23, Falcons 21
DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Hi, I'm Kelly Holcomb and I'm here to tease you and destroy your young quarterback's confidence forever because he really can't fathom that I'm actually better. That would be pathetic. Anyway…, J.P. Losman, say hello to Tim's Couch. Bills 31, Dolphins 27.
BEARS AT BROWNS – Romeo Crennel has managed to confuse Peyton Manning and other great quarterbacks for years now. Kyle Orton is a rookie. That's funny, so maybe it should be scary for Browns fans. It's not, it's just funny. Meanwhile, Trent Dilfer is finally told he can pass to Braylon Edwards and he does. The kid's got game. Breakout game. Browns 30, Bears 20
BYE AT CHIEFS – Professors from around the world gather for yet another symposium on the meaning of the color red.
RAVENS AT LIONS – When a major auto maker asks Ray Lewis to be in a commercial he is so excited that he doesn't notice when he is being strapped in next to a crash test dummy. The director of the commercial can't tell the difference between the two, and so "by mistake" they are asked to switch roles. It holds up in court. Lions 7, Ravens 6
SAINTS AT PACKERS – Earl Little continues his Pro Bowl tutorial on techniques of the 30-yard tackle. Sign up now! Packers 21, Saints 17
BYE AT VIKINGS – Mike Tice. That's the punch line.
BUCCANEERS AT JETS – Vinny Testaverde, with a walker and oxygen tank, is greeted by a standing ovation by Jets fans who are happy to see him until they see him play. Buccaneers 30, Jets 13
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – We want Mike Martz to get better because he is so despicable that we want him to get sick but he can't get sick if he's already sick so we hope he gets better in a hurry just so we can wish bad things on him again. Life is so complicated these days. Rams 30, Seahawks 27
COLTS AT 49ERS – Hey, here's a great idea, let's start Alex Smith in his first ever game against the firestorm that is the Colts defense. Meanwhile, Archie Manning calls his son, Peyton Manning and tells him that he is his favorite NFL quarterback. Colts 1 million, 49ers 3
BYE AT GIANTS – Archie Manning calls his son, Eli Manning and tells him that he is his favorite NFL quarterback.
PANTHERS AT CARDINALS – Archie Manning calls his son, Jake Delhomme and tells him that he is his favorite NFL quarterback. Panthers 19, Cardinals 17
EAGLES AT COWBOYS – When Archie Manning calls his son, Donovan McNabb, McNabb informs Archie that Rush Limbaugh is really his father. Eagles 17, Cowboys 12
REDSKINS AT BRONCOS – Clinton Portis is the only important player in this game. No one else counts so when others tackle him, ignore it. Broncos 14, Redskins 13
BENGALS AT JAGUARS – Bengals schmengals! That's all I've got because frankly, I'm exhausted from thinking about it. Jaguars 24, Bengals 21
STEELERS AT CHARGERS – Marty Schottenheimer and Bill Cowher are the other coaching tree that is not full of Parcells or Walsh DNA and they have a lot of successful heartbreak to show for it. On this night, Schottenheimer is successful because when such a coach has a running back such as LaDanian Tomlinson, well, that coach gives him the ball and the other coach gets heartbreak. At game time, an argument can be made that either team is the best in football. Afterward, people argue about politics and religion. My argument goes like this: I'll think about it. Chargers 27, Steelers 21
So, like you, I saw the Snake versus Gator story and as a sports fan, I was intrigued.
Now that Don King has staged a death match of monstrous creatures in the Everglades (Frank Sinatra took the pictures), I wonder what would happen if either of them took on Ray Lewis. I'm just asking.
This column is sponsored by the teachings of Bokonon.
You can tell Brian that his picks didn't make you any money last week right here.
Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, Massachusetts and has a website at www.briantarcy.com.