Behind Enemy Lines: Comedy Edition

Comedian and Packers fan Mike McDonald drops by to offer his humorous insights on Sunday night's showdown at New England. Leading off: Randy Moss, Kim Jong Il and the Keebler Connection.

Comedian and Packer Report Magazine columnist Mike McDonald corresponds with Bill Huber from behind enemy lines in Boston in this irreverent look at Sunday's Packers-Patriots game.


Bill Huber: I know a lot of eyebrows were raised when the Patriots dumped Randy Moss on the Vikings. We all know Moss is a lousy guy to have around, but the Patriots clearly were contenders, and if they had lived that long with Moss, what was another couple of months? Well, I guess Bill Belichick knew what he was doing.

Mike: Moss is like Rainman. A genius if he wants to play but also a guy with the social skills of Kim Jong Il. Belichick is all about team chemistry, and when Randy started pouting about a new contract and putting out signs that he might pull down his pants to rub his bottom on the Gillette Stadium goal posts, he got shipped outta town and replaced with midgets. And I'm talking about midgets that are making offensive magic in Woodhead, Welker and Branch. I call them the Keebler Connection, 'cause those guys should be making cookies in a hollow tree. Instead, they're toasting defenses like s'mores at a Brownie jamboree.

I mean Woodhead is lucky if he's 5-foot-6, which means if one of the other players drop their keys down the heat grate, they can squoosh him into the ductwork to fish them out. Branch at 5-foot-10 is the tallest Hobbit in that group.

Bill: Without Moss, the Patriots have turned to their rookie tight ends. They've got two gems in Aaron Hernandez in Rob Gronkowski, who have combined for 72 catches and 11 touchdowns. What can you tell us about them?

Mike: They sound more like a landscaping firm to me than tight ends. "Honey, we've gotta cut back the shrubbery and put in those railroad ties? Did you call Hernandez and Gronkowski?"

But they're two of eight Patriots rookies playing a lot this year, and both of these guys are going to be really fabulous tight ends for years in the NFL.

Hernandez , if you can believe it, is more athletic than Finley. He runs like a big version of Jennings and leaves much smaller athletic defenders without jocks all the time. 

Gronkowski is close to 6-foot-7, so he's built like Giacomini, but unlike Giaco, he can block and catch. He's got two brothers also playing in the NFL, and I'm suggesting that in the offseason, they start a polka band.

Bill: On paper, the Patriots' defense isn't that great. Just ask Mark Sanchez and Jay Cutler about the difference between "on paper" and reality. Fill us in on this unit, which is made up of a bunch of relative no-names outside of beefy nose tackle Vince Wilfork and linebacker Jerod Mayo.


Fear the Zoltan.
George Gojkovich/Getty Images
Mike: They just lost their second-leading tackler, Brandon Spikes, to a four-game drug suspension, and based on his homemade sex tape he released on the Web earlier this season, that performance-enhancing drug is Cialis. Google it at work if you'd like to be fired.

They drafted Devin McCourty, who a lot of Packer fans wanted and the kid is a really good corner with six picks. Personally, I'd be worried about the Patriots' special teams and punter Zoltan Mesko if I'm the Pack, because if you remember the movie "Big" with Tom Hanks, Zoltan was the mechanical sideshow machine that turned Tom Hanks into an adult fourth-grader. My fear is that Tramon Williams will be back receiving a kick from Zoltan and suddenly be transformed into an 8-year-old kid in a punt, pass and kick contest. Of course, then he could play on equal footing with Woodhead and Welker.

Bill: Belichick looks like he'll win coach of the year. I thought Mike McCarthy had a chance for that until last week. Belichick makes all the right moves, except on fashion. Then again, maybe McCarthy needs to try a hoodie?

Mike: I'd like to see McCarthy go hoodie, 'cause, you know, as the season goes on, he's really not getting any better looking and anything we could do to get him to throw a hood over that big square Pittsburgh head would be great. Plus, if he misses the playoffs, he's gonna need a place to hide. 

Bill: Had the Packers not thrown their season away at Detroit, I think most people figured Tom Brady vs. Aaron Rodgers would help decide the MVP race. Has this been Brady's best season, considering he had to adapt on offense at midseason with the Moss deal?

Mike: I don't know if this is Brady's best season, but he is smart enough to know when to slide. 

The stats say it all: 29 TDs vs. four picks. The guy is ridiculous. I mean, the Pats haven't lost at home with Brady in the lineup since Favre used a dial-up phone, 26 straight games. On top of everything, he just got an endorsement contract as the male spokesmen for Ugg boots, which is about as androgynous as a man can get, but if you try to make fun of him, he just points to his supermodel wife and Super Bowl rings and shuts you up.

Really, Brady would have to turn the ball over four or five times for the Packers to win there.

I do expect the Packers to be able to score on the Pats' D, 'cause their pass rush is mediocre and the back end of the defense is young, so maybe the best case is the Packers win in a shootout.

But if Matt Flynn is the QB, tap the keg early.


Packers fan and comedian Mike McDonald can be found on his idiotic golf site, ComedyGolf.com.


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