Earlier this week, Brett Favre, one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, got his release from the New York Jets. But conspiracy theorists will note his carefully worded, "At this time, I'm still retired," statement and quickly connect the dots.
Days later, a flight arrives in Hattiesburg, Miss., and then leaves the exact same day. Exact. Same. Day. I think we all see where this is going. This plane was said to be carrying executives from retail giant Target, based in the Twin Cities. But we all know who shops at Target, don't we? That's right, the Minnesota Vikings. We're also all too aware of how people cleverly pronounce Target as "Tar-Get," with a French accent. As in French Quarter. As in New Orleans. As in site of Super Bowl XXXI. They're not fooling anyone.
And pictures obtained that were too blurry to run with this column show a certain professory-looking "Target" executive with a mustache, glasses and a very obvious toupee exiting the plane. This all makes sense now, doesn't it? And I think we all know now who made the Percy Harvin draft pick for the Vikings, too.
While I have supported Favre through his bitter divorce with the Packers and cheered him on through his New York fling, I'm not prepared for the vomiting that will ensue if I actually see him suit up in purple. Put simply: I hate the Vikings. Clearly, this will be the ultimate test for my love and admiration of Favre.
Unfortunately, this is something I may have to come to terms with sooner than later. As you'll see below, I've come into possession of a transcript of a phone conversation between Favre and Vikings coach Brad Childress.
Childress: So Brett, is there anyone you'd like to see us take in the first round before coming back?
Favre: Well, I watched the national championship game and like that Harvin kid from Florida.
Childress: Uh ... we kind of took him off our draft board. Thought he was a character-risk. Tested positive for marijuana at the Combine.
Favre: Didn't you guys have a bunch of players on your team that took a boat full of hookers out on a lake and have some running back that got caught using a fake — well, you know — to pass a drug test?
Childress: Well, uh ... yeah. But that was before I got here.
Favre: Whizzinator! That's what it was called. Hey look, I like this Harvin kid a lot. I'll make him look like a shorter Randy Moss.
Childress: Fine, we'll draft him.
Favre: Good deal.
Childress: OK, talk to you soon.
Favre: Hey, Brad...
Favre: Make sure you clowns get you're pick turned in on time. You've got 10 minutes. Don't screw this up.
Childress: We won't!
Favre: You guys aren't the only ones that called me.
Childress: Yes, we know.
Favre: I hate Ted Thompson.
Childress: We know. So do we.
Favre: No, I really, really hate him!
Childress: Yes, Brett.
Favre: Hate him!
Childress: Got it.
Favre: OK, remember — Harvin!
Childress: Yes, Brett!
Favre: And you don't get 15 minutes anymore for the first round.
Favre: So, what are you gonna tell people about why you took Harvin?
Childress: I'll tell them we heard the Patriots were going to take him next.
Favre: Oh, that's a good one. Those guys know what they're doing.
Favre: They run a tight ship over there. Get it? Ship?
Childress: I told you that cruise happened before I got here.
Favre: I mean, nobody on the Patriots would ever take a boat full of hookers out.
Favre: I'm just saying...
Childress: They're not perfect, you know. Remember Spygate? What about that?
Favre: It wasn't a hooker videotaping a guy faking a drug test, right?
Childress: I can't believe I'm having this call.
Favre: Hey, that wasn't you that scalped those Super Bowl tickets that time, was it?
Favre: Are you sure?
Childress: Yes, I'm sure! It was Mike Tice!
Favre: That was pretty dumb. And funny. Mostly dumb, though.
Childress: Dear God, maybe we should just run the Wildcat next year.
Favre: You know, if I had waited, I could've signed with the Patriots last year. No one would've ever heard of Mike Cassel.
Childress: Matt Cassel.
Favre: Whatever. Patriots probably would've won the Super Bowl.
Childress: Didn't your Jets lose to the Patriots last year?
Favre: Only once.
Favre: That could've been two Super Bowl victories for me, Brad. Hey, did you know the Packers won 12 world championships and three Super Bowls?
Childress: I'm aware.
Favre: How many Super Bowls have the Vikings won?
Childress: Are you kidding me? We haven't won any, Brett! We've been there four times and lost every time! Why do you think we're having this conversation!?!
Favre: Really? Wow. Maybe I should call those Glazer guys back.
Favre: Uh... I said, 'Deanna, give me that glazed donut back!'
Childress: Is that part of your workout?
Favre: I got a few kids from the high school lined up to catch some balls this summer.
Childress: High school kids?
Favre: It's fine. Don't worry about it. They're pretty good. One kid is my second cousin. Might play D1.
Childress: You know, no one can know we had this conversation.
Favre: My lips are sealed ... ‘Hey, Bus, don't tell anyone yet, OK?'
Childress: Who are you talking to?
Favre: Just Bus Cook. Oh, and Jay.
Favre: Cutler. Bus is his agent, too. We were just hanging out talking about how Bus got him out of Denver. Do you know that Denver's coach is only 32?
Favre: Seems like a bad idea. Then again, he came from the Patriots.
Childress: I try not to worry about what other teams are...
Favre: Hey, hang on a minute ... ‘Hey Jay, the Bears still suck!' Ha, ha, ha. I bought him one of those shirts where the kid in the Packer helmet is peeing on the state of Illinois. That cracks me up every time. Man, I hate the Bears almost as much as I hate the Vi...
Favre: Sorry. Old habit. Hey, do you know what else Packers fans say? They say, ‘Bears suck, but Vikings...
Childress: I don't care! Can we stay on topic, here? Please?
Favre: Fine. Just remember, I turned down a spot on ‘Monday Night Football' for you.
Childress: You weren't going to host Monday Night Football.
Favre: That's not what Madden said. Anyway ... did you bring up the uniform thing to Zygi?
Childress: We're not changing our colors to green and purple.
Favre: I don't think you even asked him. You didn't, did you? Have you come up with a nickname yet? I never liked Broadway Brett. I thought Jet Favre was better. What about Twin City Slinger?
Childress: I need to go.
Favre: So, when I am I going to hear from you next?
Childress: We'll be flying down after the draft.
Favre: OK, sounds good. Things are on 'Target.'
Childress: Are you winking while you say that? You are, aren't you? On second thought, don't tell me.
Favre: Hey, do you hear a clicking noise on your end?
Childress: What phone are you calling me from, Brett?
Favre: I don't know. My cell phone.
Childress: It's not a phone you got from the Jets is it?
Favre: Uh, no. I mean, OK yeah, I got it from the Jets. But it's OK, they released me.
Childress: Not this again. I'm hanging up.
Favre: Wait, wait! Say hi to Darrell Bevell for me!
(Writer's note: The previous conversation never actually occurred. At least not that we're aware of.)
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W. Keith Roerdink has covered the Packers since 1992. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
‘At this time' mystery revealed!
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