Sit back and enjoy this weeks rendition of Against the Spread, by Chris Shepard.
Against the Spread: Week 13
By Chris, the Impaler - Patriots Insider
It seems to me that if you are serious about making money, I mean really serious about making money, youll keep your eyes open for a virgin, that is prone to appear at any moment anywhere on earth, and give up on gambling entirely. In her latest sighting, Mary was seen riding shotgun on a mold free ten-year-old grilled cheese sandwich in Miami, Florida.
Isnt it funny how the absence of mold leads people to believe the image is authentic! I mean I dont have any mold on my fromunda cheese but you dont see me making a grilled sandwich (burnt no less) and selling it on eBay do you?
The woman, Diana Duyser, took a bite (ten years ago) and discovered a cheesy find; the virgin etched between the carbon of her burnt toast. Duyser mentioned she was scared at first, but once she recovered she managed to have the presence of mind to put it in a clear box with cotton balls (something about cottons amazing preservative powers) on her night table.
Have you seen the image? I was curious so I looked and at first all I saw was a really burnt piece of toast with a bite taken out of it. I thought, man, this woman had no idea how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Then I saw the ghostly image that looked to me no more than the virgin Mary than an aborted fetus. But obviously I am the only one who thought so.
Apparently containing a holy item akin to the Shroud of Sedona was too much for Duyser (she didnt say whether or not she brought it to church or if she had the afflicted and the affirmed showing up at her door to touch the sandwich-and it is unclear at this time if the sandwich has any healing powers) and so she decided that the world had to share in her find. No longer could Duyser be selfish and so following the words of God this year, the eleventh commandment I think, Thou Shall sell the image of the mother of God and make money on Ebay!
And so Duyser did. The winning bid netted Duyser USD 28,000 and was bought by Antigua based casino GoldenPalace.com (you knew this had to return to gambling at some point) who, and this is the best part, plans on taking the sandwich on a world tour!
I cant wait to see the sandwichs rider on the smoking gun in a few months. It will read something like, And the sandwich requests that the only people allowed in her dressing room are virgins, and the Holy Ghost if he wants to come. The sandwich requests that there be milk as the beverage of choice with the blood of Krist as the only alcohol allowed. The money from merchandising the grilled cheese is forecast in the millions, as suckers across the globe snap up the image of the virginal sandwich on hats, t-shirts and sweatshirts.
Funny enough, the other day at the Ravens game, I thought I saw an image of Jesus crying in the half-digested mayo steak and cheese puke stain on the floor next to the urinal at the Razor. But relax folks it turns out that I was so crocked on bootleg vodka that I was pissing on the puke which made it look like Jesus was crying when it was really just vomit.
New England (-8) v Cleveland (41 o/u)
Butch Davis called it quits after participating in the second highest scoring game in NFL history leaving the Browns with more questions than answers and a paltry 3-8 record. He is the second coach to quit before the end of the season this year. Either Offensive coordinator Terry Robiskie or defensive coordinator Dave Campo will take his place for the Patriots game. It should be a fun day for Browns fans.
Impaler Perspective: Patriots laying eight points on the road for 330 Butch Davis.
Carolina (+2) v NEW ORLEANS (46.5 o/u)
Carolina finds them on a three game win streak and in second place (tied with two other teams) in the NFC South. Although their 4-7 second place is well behind the 9-2 Falcons, theyll travel to New Orleans to play another 4-7 second place team, the New Orleans Saints. But these teams have been opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to level of play in recent weeks. Carolina, despite its injuries, has played well the last three weeks and is looking to win their fourth game in a row. An eye opening stat is that New Orleans has allowed the second most points against in the conference (guess who is last?) at 312, or 28.7 ppg while Carolina has allowed 217, or 19.4 ppg. Carolina will be able to put up points on New Orleans awful defense while New Orleans will have a harder time running up the score despite the game being played on the home turf of the Superdome.
Impaler Perspective: Carolina plus two points gives us an excellent dime (1100) play.
Buffalo (-3) v MIAMI (35 o/u)
Wow, Buffalo a team that had won only 10-11 road games before last weekends win at Seattle, is now a three point road favorite going to Miami? Say it isnt so? Yes, that is the line. And in a classic match of one team on the rise and one team going down faster than a 10th Avenue All-star, it is hard to see how lame duck Miami wins this one. With a win Buffalo can improve to 6-6 on the season, which would be an amazing feat for the Bills. The Bills were able to overcome Bledsoes three interceptions with super running from Willis MaGahee. But dont overlook the Bills defense that held Seattle RB Shaun Alexander to 39 yards on 13 carries. On the other side of the ball Miami also traveled to the West Coast and managed to beat the hapless 49ers in an ugly game that was not seen on television. If the Bills keep playing the way they have they should be able to defeat Miami for Willis MaGahees triumphant return to the Sunshine State.
Impaler Perspective: Buffalo is the bettors team dujour, so why shouldnt it be ours as well? Because it is a reversal so were laying a nickel (550) and taking the points at home as the Dolphins do enough on defense to win this game.
TAMPA BAY (-1) v Atlanta (39.5 o/u)
Two weeks ago the Buccaneers traveled to Atlanta and nearly got blown out in the first half allowing the Flacons 17 first-half unanswered points. This week Atlanta travels to Tampa trying to clinch the NFC South. The Buccaneers rallied to get within 3 points, but a turnover and an uncontained Falcons QB Michael Vick quickly put up ten more points and ended Tampas hopes for a second half playoff run in the watered down National Football Conference. Last week the Buccaneers lost another game they should have won courtesy of PK and resident head case Martin Gramatica. Losing to the Panthers must have been a bitter pill for Gramatica since across the field Panthers Punter Todd Sauerbrun grinned like a maniac with every miss. Hes been feuding with the Gramaticas and just last week told Panthers HC John Fox not to hire a Gramatica to replace injured PK John Kasay. This week Buccaneer HC John Grudens task is to find a kicker who can make a field goal and my sources say he has found one. In the meantime, Tampa is still a much better team with Griese at the helm throwing to stud Bayou Bengal WR Clayton and the returned slot WR Jurevicious. RB Pittman is also running much better as of late which should make it difficult for Atlanta to win the NFC South on Sunday.
Impaler Perspective: Play of the year; were taking Tampa Bay and laying the one point for 2200 Grieses.
Monday Night Bonus
SEATTLE (-7) v Dallas (43.5 o/u)
When your record is 6-5 it is a small consolation to know that you are in first place in the NFC West despite all efforts to the contrary. St. Louis is a close second at 5-6, but still have the edge over the Seahawks due to the strength of their impressive 4-0 division record. This week the Hawks have an extra day to rest and figure out what exactly went wrong last week in their 38-9 home drubbing at the hands of a resurgent Buffalo Bills (a team I might add that had lost 10 of its last 11 road games). The key to the Seahawks loss was their third down defense that allowed the Bills to convert seven of eight times in the first half. The Seattle defense also allowed Buffalo RB Willis MaGahee 116 yards rushing and four, count em, four touchdowns. The sad truth is that Seattle is an awful team that has been unable to beat any team convincingly other than the 1-10 San Francisco 49ers. Conversely, we see that Julius Jones return for the Cowboys last week we just what the Parcells ordered as he ran past a normally good Chicago Bears run defense. Rookie QB Henson is now 1-0 as a starter and likes the winning feel. Dallas has had an extra three days to rest and game plan for Seattle and should be able to grind out enough yards to keep this game close.
Impaler Perspective: Since Seattle hasnt been able to cover a spread against a decent team all year, we dont see this changing on Monday Night. Dallas grabbing seven points for 1100 Jones is the play.
WEEK 12 RECRAP
There is nothing better than a hummer on Thanksgiving from an ex-High School girlfriend who ditched her husband for a ten-minute engagement in your parent's basement. Of course if this doesn't happen I supposed hitting on the Colts-Detroit game for a grand is a good second place. However, having her fat sister watch the action close up is akin to losing a nickel on the late game as the Chicago Bears kept the game close until the fourth quarter. Still up 500 going into the weekend isn't a bad place to start. On Sunday the Patriots cashed our under ticket for 100 but we lost it immediately when the Ravens failed to cover the 6.5 points in the second half. Sunday night we were still up 490 when the Raiders upset Denver costing us a dime bringing us down 1160 bucks. Proving once again why we own Monday Night, the Green Bay Packers destroyed the St. Louis Rams (a team that wants the Seahawks to win the NFC West) and cashed our second nickel bet of the week bringing our weekly tally to 3-3 for a deficit of $660. Looking to move into positive territory we notice our record has improved to 18-23-1 ATS with a deficit of 2000 after twelve weeks playing the topsy-turvy 2004 NFL season.
You can find The Impaler's weekly column here each week as he contemplates the odds and provides perspective for the top 5 picks for the week. Have a bone to pick, want some more insights, just want to talk football odds? You can reach Chris in the forums, under the screenname: christheimpaler.
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